Paddywhack

I was going down on a woman last night when I started to taste horse semen. I looked up at her and said 'Oh, so that's how you died, Nan'.

Have I just revealed a teenage wank story in a car thread..?

When I was about 13 I stole a condom from my dad's bedside table and used it for a posh wank. I didn't want to put it in the bin in case my mum saw it, so I tried to flush it down the toilet. After the fourth or fifth attempt I realised it probably wasn't going to flush. So I did the next best thing; I left it on a shelf in my bedroom for a few months before it disappeared one day after my mum cleaned my room. Thank god she didn't see it in the bin, that would have been embarrassing.

Baselayers, can you just at least like this post so I don't look like such a **** idiot when I tell people I know you.

Congratulations Baselayers!! You're about to reach 2000 posts! Oh, well done for that medal thing too.

It doesn't piss me off, it just makes me shudder a bit when I see people talking on the phone and using their shoulder to hold their mobile to their ear. It was fine with cheap, old house phones but it makes a me panic a bit watching people do that with their expensive smartphones. I went up the Empire State building a few years back and got the same feeling watching people put their cameras through the bars to take photos, there was loads of them.

Jenny, are you really small or are the medals really that big?

"Jenny Jones has won a medal. I know her!" "Wow, how do you know her?" "...off an Aston Villa forum" It doesn't sound as impressive as it feels.

Jenny Jones makes history by winning Great Britain's first ever Winter Olympic medal on snow.

Fantastic Jenny, well done!!

G'wan Jenny!

I've shit myself a fair few times. One was a few months back whilst paint-balling. That's not really a confession though, I told everyone at the time.

Eurgh, I hate whiskey.

Great start to the day. Missus has a job interview today. She was gone when I woke up but you could tell she'd been there, her wardrobe emptied over the bedroom floor, make up on the carpet and straighteners left on. Walking to the bus stop and my bus goes flying past, seconds before I get there. Makes me 15 minutes late for work. Getting off the bus, only then do I realise I must have been sitting on a wet seat. My jeans and pants are soaked and it stinks. It's not water. (I promise this isn't a poor excuse for pissing myself). Put the kettle on at work, came back in a few minutes to make my cuppa only to find someone has unplugged the kettle to plug the toaster in. Something small like that wouldn't usually bother me, but the mood I was in they were nearly wearing the toaster as a hat. Rant done, feel better now, if not slightly damp. Oh and my team leader just told me to get off the internet.

I hate this thread.

Couldn't have asked for nicer parents and think they gave me a great up bringing. They didn't have a lot of money so we didn't really go on holidays or anything, but they always got me what I nagged them for on my birthday or at Christmas. I loved Primary school but hated high school. I wasn't one of the smart kids, but I wasn't ever naughty either. I wasn't popular, but not really picked on, so I just kind of floated through, unnoticed, uninterested and bored. Loved my later teenage years though. Playing in bands, discovering alcohol, etc. Can't really moan at all really, I think I had a much better childhood than most kids in the world.

I don't eat them anymore, a few weeks ago I cracked one open and there was a little bug in there in a sort of cocoon.

My 2 year old nephew has got really got manners which I think is brilliant, but I do always think, 'He only said please so he can have the biscuit'.

Looks just like his dad.

The first name I had was Yorke on the 95/97 shirt, but my dad didn't want to pay for the number as well. Name on the back, Premiership patches on the sleeves, but no squad number. Drove me mad. I had my own surname with number 9 on the back for both 'Rover' shirts, because I was cool. 07/08 - 7 Young 11/12 - 11 Agbonlahor. So...you know...there you go.

This is ridiculous.... Gabby on the right, Albrighton on the left!?

What a beauty.

What I don't like about the January wildcard is that everyone ends up with pretty much the same team.

Ahhh, that must be it, makes sense. Cheers.