Paddywhack

Today feels like a Friday.

I thought my ham and cheese melt would fill me up on lunch, but it didn't so I bought a pack of crisps after.

You were never a 15 year old boy. You couldn't possibly imagine... Men at 35 are just as bad in my experience! Nah, I don't just stuff tissues down the side of my bed thinking they'll just disappear by themselves any more. I throw them in the general direction of the bin nowadays.

I think I've put this on here before, but anyway... After my nan passed away when I was 15 I had her VCR (something sentimental, ya know?) and the tape left in the machine had the film 'Three Kings' on which my nan had recorded off channel 5. Straight after the film the tape had continued to record the usual late night soft-core stuff. Anyway, I wasn't bothered by Three Kings and taped over it with Forrest Gump. A few days later my mom was talking to my mate who lived over the road from me and the conversation somehow got round to talking about how Forrest Gump was on the telly the other night and how his girlfriend had never seen it. My mom told him I'd recorded it and to come knock our door later, I could lend it him for them to watch. Him knocking the door would be the first I knew of this and I panicked because I knew him and his girlfriend would watch the film and then as soon as it's finished the soft-core porn would start. I told him I didn't know which video it was, to give me 20 minutes and I'd run it over to him when I'd found it. I recorded 20 minutes of Kerrang TV at the end of the film to tape over the shitty porn. Next time I saw them both, his girlfriend said 'We know why you took so long to bring the video over, you were taping over your porn.' to which I responded 'Nah, it was my nan's video'. They still don't believe me.

how embarrassing. I remember once when my grandparents popped out only to return because they had missed the bus to find me completely naked in the living room with a porn film on. felt like crawling up my own arse You took ALL your clothes off? What about socks?

I'm eating out on the evening. Trololol!! But seriously, thanks for reminding me to get a card on lunch, might have forgotten!

Hey, he's from Halesowen... Oi... Actually, fair enough.

Oh, you've never lived!

When did nose bleeds go out out fashion? They used to be all the rage. It's been years since I've seen someone have a random nosebleed.

All I knew of Luc Nilis is that he played a few games for us, broke his leg and retired. I just went on his Wiki, I had no idea he was such a prolific goalscorer. 1984–1986 Winterslag 47 (16) 1986–1994 Anderlecht 224 (127) 1994–2000 PSV 164 (110) 2000 Aston Villa 3 (1) EDIT: oh, that copy and paste didn't work well. Meh.

Yep, he was my first thought too.

I was going down on a woman last night when I started to taste horse semen. I looked up at her and said 'Oh, so that's how you died, Nan'.

Have I just revealed a teenage wank story in a car thread..?

When I was about 13 I stole a condom from my dad's bedside table and used it for a posh wank. I didn't want to put it in the bin in case my mum saw it, so I tried to flush it down the toilet. After the fourth or fifth attempt I realised it probably wasn't going to flush. So I did the next best thing; I left it on a shelf in my bedroom for a few months before it disappeared one day after my mum cleaned my room. Thank god she didn't see it in the bin, that would have been embarrassing.

Baselayers, can you just at least like this post so I don't look like such a **** idiot when I tell people I know you.

Congratulations Baselayers!! You're about to reach 2000 posts! Oh, well done for that medal thing too.

It doesn't piss me off, it just makes me shudder a bit when I see people talking on the phone and using their shoulder to hold their mobile to their ear. It was fine with cheap, old house phones but it makes a me panic a bit watching people do that with their expensive smartphones. I went up the Empire State building a few years back and got the same feeling watching people put their cameras through the bars to take photos, there was loads of them.

Jenny, are you really small or are the medals really that big?

"Jenny Jones has won a medal. I know her!" "Wow, how do you know her?" "...off an Aston Villa forum" It doesn't sound as impressive as it feels.

Jenny Jones makes history by winning Great Britain's first ever Winter Olympic medal on snow.

Fantastic Jenny, well done!!

G'wan Jenny!

I've shit myself a fair few times. One was a few months back whilst paint-balling. That's not really a confession though, I told everyone at the time.

Eurgh, I hate whiskey.