rjw63 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 I've heard Tampax are going to sponsor Newcastle next season, fitting for a bunch of words removed going through a bad period Hahahhaaaaaaaaaaaa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer breaks? Nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LondonLax Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer breaks? Nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 I went the shop the other day and said "Can I have a kit kat chunky?" The woman behind the counter went to give me a kit kat chunky to which I said... "No, I want a normal kit kat you fat idiot!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 I say old bean, I think we've seen this somewhere before! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Man goes into a toy shop looking for a present for his daughter. Shop assistant says "how about a Barbie doll? They're very collectable and retro, the kids love them since they updated the range!" So he goes, "ok, how about that one? " pointing to the first one ont he shelf... "Thats £34.99 sir" - "Blimey, how come its so much?" Well, its "Air Hostess Barbie, and comes with a matching uniform and scale Louis Viuitton luggage sir." "Ok, how about that one?" "Thats £27.99" "Blimey thats a bit dear too... " "Well sir, its Vet Barbie. Comes with an adoption certificate for an animal from London zoo!" "Ok, how about that one? " "Aha... thats the Jordan Barbie... and thats £599!". "Why so expensive?" asks the man..... "Well it comes with Peter Andre's house, Peter Andre's car's, and most of his income and pension for the next 30 years".... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted May 26, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted May 26, 2009 A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?" The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said. "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy ?" The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London...". "Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist, and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jondaken Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Not a joke, but a hilarious post I saw on the caf forums... (highlight the white text to read) Originally Posted by Anna_Livia Thank **** Yeah, he was horrible. Some of your most consistent and best showings in the CL, nearly four successive titles...what a useless plonker. "But...but...but...we don't play like Barcelona!" - no shit Sherlock. The fans have been asking for his head for almost two years. They've got it. Enjoy. The wife and I have already had this quite extensive 'discussion' about gratefulness and about backstabbing devious boring useless clueless Third-Division word removed-faced leprechauns overnight. She does have more adjectives than me and manages to be quite loud. She wants Mowbray, in spite of him looking like someone stuck a lemon down his throat and then ran over his face with a great big truck. Which was then responded with... Why thank you. It's always nice to be lectured on my own team by butter-inhaling yanks who have never been to a **** football match in their puffs and latch onto the first big name club they stumble across in the "sports round up" section of the Buttfuck Iowa Sentinel when the editor needs something to fill up the dead space in the tractor-pulling close season, and who's idea of "following" a team is to switch from ESPN 1 to ESPN 2 and yet think that somehow this, and 60,000 futile posts on an internet forum, gives them an insight into the game of football, its rich history, or what it means to the people who support it in football cities like Glasgow. :yawn: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trimandson Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 A young girl from a small heath family was getting married and her mother said "I'd better have a talk with you before you get married". "Yeah mum, what do you want to talk about?" the young girl asks. "Well, on the night you get married, your husband is gonna want to put his most prized possession where you pee." the mother says. The daughter replies "Why the **** would he want to put his burberry cap in the sink...?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, "E-G-G". "Very good", says the teacher. Peter says he had toast "T-O-A-S-T". "Excellent." Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. "I had **** all", he says, "F-U-C-K-A-L-L". The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, "Where is the Pakistani border?" Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got **** all for breakfast". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YorkshireCoop Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 An old man had to show his grey chest hair to the DHSS Dr to prove he was old enough for a pension. His wife said, you should have showed them your cock, we could of got disabilty too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Try saying 'halal meat' without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
briggaman Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Try saying 'halal meat' without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Cameron Jerome went into Burger King and asked the Assistant for two Whoppers. She replied, "Your good looking, and you've a great first touch". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted May 31, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted May 31, 2009 Try saying 'halal meat' without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone. That's like trying to say "small key beer can" without sounding like a jamaican saying "smoky bacon" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 Try saying 'halal meat' without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone. That's like trying to say "small key beer can" without sounding like a jamaican saying "smoky bacon" ..and "whale oil beef hooked" without sounding like an Irishman saying "Well I'll be ****" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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