rjw63 Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 Hmmmmm... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 I wish they did Jokes about beardy, apple drinking porn merchants... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 Gingers are obviously a much easier target :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santa_Rosa Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch. You should enunciate better. That should help give them a better understanding of your intentions :nod: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted May 22, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted May 22, 2009 Probably bin dun but I'm not going through 177 pages to find out :winkold: A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 A father-to-be paces up and down the corriders of the maternity unit when the midwife suddenly bursts through the doors of the delivery room. "Your baby has been delivered sir, but im afraid theres some good news and bad news". "oh my god" says the father, "whats the bad news?" "Well im afraid your baby has been born ginger" says the midwife, "bloody hell!!" screams the father in horror, "what the hell can the good news possibly be then!!" "well fortunately sir" explains the delighted midwife "your child was also born dead!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackosotc Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 ^^^ that was terrible but very funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Probably bin dun but I'm not going through 177 pages to find out :winkold: A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 ...and race relations !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 A wife takes her husband to the local lap dancing club as a birthday treat. The doorman greets him with " hi jim, how's tricks ? ".the wife is suspicious " how does he know you ? ".she asks. " er...i play footie wih him " came the reply. When they get to the bar, the barmen says " hi Jim..usual is it ? ". Jim quickly says to his wife " before you ask, he's on my darts team ". just then a lap dancer comes over and says " hello Jim..do you want a special again ? ". The wife is furious and storms out dragging Jim with her, they get into a cab...and the cabbie says " **** ell Jimbo...you've pulled a right ugly **** this time" *********************************************************************************************** Jack and Jill went up the hill so jack could lick Jill's fanny Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cos Jill's a pre-op tranny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fran_villa Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 What do you call two black men wrapped in aluminum foil? Kit Kat. What do you call 1 obese black man wrapped in aluminum foil? Kit Kat Chunky. What do you call Michael Jackson wrapped in aluminum foil? Kit Kat White. Pardon my pitiful attempt at humor.eh are you alright? :bonk: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 A wife takes her husband to the local lap dancing club as a birthday treat. The doorman greets him with " hi jim, how's tricks ? ".the wife is suspicious " how does he know you ? ".she asks. " er...i play footie wih him " came the reply. When they get to the bar, the barmen says " hi Jim..usual is it ? ". Jim quickly says to his wife " before you ask, he's on my darts team ". just then a lap dancer comes over and says " hello Jim..do you want a special again ? ". The wife is furious and storms out dragging Jim with her, they get into a cab...and the cabbie says " **** ell Jimbo...you've pulled a right ugly **** this time" *********************************************************************************************** Jack and Jill went up the hill so jack could lick Jill's fanny Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cos Jill's a pre-op tranny Heard the first one but still Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Like most 16 year old girls my age, I'm a 42 year old man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OutByEaster? Posted May 23, 2009 Moderator Share Posted May 23, 2009 UP & DOWN SEX At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?' There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?' The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?' She replied, 'Up.' This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!' She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were **** or drown... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted May 23, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted May 23, 2009 An elderly couple had been married for 50 years. They'd gotten into a strange sexual routine. Every night, the couple would sit in bed watching the tv and the old woman would just hold the old man's penis in her hand. This had been going on for years, no sex, no oral sex, just the woman holding the man's penis. One night, the old woman came home late to find her husband in bed with another woman. To her horror, the other woman was doing exactly the same thing as she'd been doing. Just sitting there with the man's penis in her hand. Obviously she was upset. "Why, Ernie? Why are you cheating on me? What does she have that I don't?" Asked the old woman. "Parkinsons" replied Ernie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 An elderly couple had been married for 50 years. They'd gotten into a strange sexual routine. Every night, the couple would sit in bed watching the tv and the old woman would just hold the old man's penis in her hand. This had been going on for years, no sex, no oral sex, just the woman holding the man's penis. One night, the old woman came home late to find her husband in bed with another woman. To her horror, the other woman was doing exactly the same thing as she'd been doing. Just sitting there with the man's penis in her hand. Obviously she was upset. "Why, Ernie? Why are you cheating on me? What does she have that I don't?" Asked the old woman. "Parkinsons" replied Ernie. Bahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PompeyVillan Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 An elderly couple had been married for 50 years. They'd gotten into a strange sexual routine. Every night, the couple would sit in bed watching the tv and the old woman would just hold the old man's penis in her hand. This had been going on for years, no sex, no oral sex, just the woman holding the man's penis. One night, the old woman came home late to find her husband in bed with another woman. To her horror, the other woman was doing exactly the same thing as she'd been doing. Just sitting there with the man's penis in her hand. Obviously she was upset. "Why, Ernie? Why are you cheating on me? What does she have that I don't?" Asked the old woman. "Parkinsons" replied Ernie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 I've heard Tampax are going to sponsor Newcastle next season, fitting for a bunch of words removed going through a bad period Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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