Nigel Posted February 5, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted February 5, 2009 Tony insired me to look through my old folders. Ah the old ones... A Scouser, a Manc and a Brummie are all working in Saudi Arabia. As it is a strict government alcohol is against the law and the nightlife is pretty limited. The Englishmen decide that they will not get caught and decide to risk brewing their own. Unfortunately they are caught and hauled up in front of the Sheik. "Alcohol is strictly against my laws and as you have disobeyed me you will be punished" boomed the Sheik. "100 Lashes for each" "However, I have fond memories of England and I will grant you all one wish because of my sentimentality" The Manc was 1st in line and when asked what wish he wanted he said with a smug grin "Tie a pillow to my back" The Sheik tied a pillow to the back of the Brummy and a huge Arabic guy stepped up behind him with the whip. The pillow only lasted around 30 lashes before the whip cut through, after 80 the Manc passed out with the pain and was carried off to his cell. Next up was the Scouser, having seen what had happened to the Manc he was a bit panicked and not being the best at maths spluttered out "Tie 2 pillows to my back" The sheik looked at him curiously and carried out his wish, tying two pillows to his back. The same punishment began and obviously after only 60 lashes the whip cut through the pillow. The Scouser still had 40 lashes left and although he didn't pass out, he waswhimpering when the sheik counted 100 and was dragged off back to his cellin a right state. The sheik turned to the Brummie, who looked remarkably relaxed considering his circumstances. "I visited Birmingham as a youth and found it to be a most beautiful city, for this reason I will grant you 2 wishes my friend" The sheik said. The Brummie was pleasantly surprised and said "Give me 300 lashes" The sheik looked at him with total admiration "not only are you an honest man you are also very brave my friend" the sheik commented "and your second wish?" "Tie the Scouser to my back" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted February 5, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted February 5, 2009 A man the size of a tank walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department meekly told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent and demanded that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 A man is sitting in his living room watching TV when all of a sudden the door bursts open and his girlfriend storms through. "You **** asshole!" she screams and heads into the bedroom. Stunned, the man walks toward the bedroom, wondering 'now what have I done?'. Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a paedophile!" The man responds, "Wow... paedophile............... that's a big word for a 12 year old." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nevillain Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ? Everybody won. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says. The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?' 'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says. The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?' 'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!' ' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Rev Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarves are not happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 A Chinese guy walks into a bar, sees the black bartender, and says "Get me beer, nigga!" The bartender says "What did you say to me!?" to which the Chinese man replies "You heard me the first time, now go get me a beer nigga!" The bartender looks around for a second, obviously quite stunned, then replies "How would you like it if our positions were reversed? I don't think you'd want to be spoken to like that!" The Chinese man says "Really nigga? Alright then, let's switch positions." So they do, and the black bartender walks out of the bar while the Chinese man gets behind it. The black man walks back in and says "Get me a beer, you stupid chink!" to which the Chinese man replies "I'm sorry, we no serve niggas here." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am." replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now somehow, it's my **** fault." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted February 12, 2009 Moderator Share Posted February 12, 2009 What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) easiest way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jezza Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) easiest way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gort Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 A man is sitting in his living room watching TV when all of a sudden the door bursts open and his girlfriend storms through. "You **** asshole!" she screams and heads into the bedroom. Stunned, the man walks toward the bedroom, wondering 'now what have I done?'. Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a paedophile!" The man responds, "Wow... paedophile............... that's a big word for a 12 year old." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 14, 2009 Share Posted February 14, 2009 What's the difference between Sharon from Eastenders, and Chelsea? Nothing - they both **** Grant, and then Phil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olejniker Posted February 14, 2009 Share Posted February 14, 2009 What's the difference between Sharon from Eastenders, and Chelsea? Nothing - they both **** Grant, and then Phil Nice ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted February 14, 2009 Moderator Share Posted February 14, 2009 "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now somehow, it's my **** fault." I never get tired reading that. It's unbelievably true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Ahmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East. He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?" The doctor said "You were homesick!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 How do you make a dog quit humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
privateer Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Bought a 2009 Jade Goody calendar today. **** ripoff, it only goes as far as May. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 I'm getting quite concerned about what my kids are hearing in the playground. This morning I caught my daughter imitating sex acts with her Barbie and Ken dolls. I told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that." She replied, "Don't worry, Dad. He's doing her up the shitter!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 hahahahaaa :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Hilarious, **** hilarious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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