Nigel Posted October 5, 2007 VT Supporter Share Posted October 5, 2007 What has anal sex and spinach got in common? If you were forced to have it as a child, chances are you wont like it as an adult. Brilliant! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 A man logged on to a website and got a yel.......no, its just not THAT funny :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Why I fired my secretary: Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... Sobbing... Naked... and erect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LincsVilla Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 Why I fired my secretary: Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... Sobbing... Naked... and erect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says: "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan. Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 whats worse then letting your children stopping at Micheal Jacksons? ...letting the McCanns take them on holiday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing every where. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'" Leroy said, "I want the name of the word removed that pushed me in!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Doris went to see a medium as she was desperately missing her husband Alf who'd been dead 6 months. The medium contacted Alf and his soft voice could be heard in the darkly lit room Doris...." is that you Alf, oh i've missed you so much sweetheart. What's it like on the other side ? Alf........" oh it's ok Doris love, in fact i've been flying today " Doris...." oh, you hated flying when you were with me Alf" Alf........" yeah, but it's different when you cross over Doris love ...in fact i went swimming all day yesterday " Doris...." oh, but you hated the water when we were together. All this flying. all this swimming, it doesn't seem like you Alf " Alf........" but Doris love, i don't have much choice........i'm a **** duck " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 A man goes into the doctor and says: Man: Hey Doc, I have a problem with my hearing! Doc: What are the symptoms? Man: It's a cartoon on the telly...isin it? whats the first sign of madness ? suggs walking up your drive way I was walking down the high street yesterday and I heard a busker playing dancing queen on a digeridoo. It was very abba-riginal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 What's Mr. T's favourite yoghurt? Pity Faloo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist. "Only one," replies the bride. "I won't take it up the arse." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maqroll Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing every where. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'" Leroy said, "I want the name of the word removed that pushed me in!" LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 Alan Sugar sees an old woman crossing the road struggling with 2 shopping bags. He shouts over 'can you manage love?'. She replies '**** off, I dont want the job' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Women's English Translations Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead] Men's English Translations: I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now? What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? I love you = Let's have sex now! Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex? Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex without me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$65,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
limvillian Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$65,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?" thatt mo fo i`m down $966,000 because of him lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 4, 2007 Moderator Share Posted November 4, 2007 whats the first sign of madness ? suggs walking up your drive way Brilliant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shambles Posted November 5, 2007 Share Posted November 5, 2007 FOR SALE: Used tent. Wolverhampton city centre area. Knock down price due to one missing pole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrogers Posted November 5, 2007 Share Posted November 5, 2007 FOR SALE: Used tent. Wolverhampton city centre area. Knock down price due to one missing pole. I don't get it?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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