WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[sheriffvilla]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never

been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[Designer1]

Bloke walks in to the Dr's office with a banana in one ear, a bunch of grapes in the other ear, and a melon on his head.

The Dr says:

"You're not eating properly, are you?"

[duncandares]

Cowboy in Mexico --

A big Texas cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation -- bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned and placed his order. That evening he returned and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[villab0y]

George W Bush and Tony Blair are in a meeting at the white house,

when George's wife walks in and asks what they are doing..?

Tony replies ' we are making plans for world war 3 '

so she asks what the plans are.. to which Mr Bush answers..

'we're going to kill 14 million Muslims and 1 Dentist...'

'why 1 dentist' his wife enquires...

Bush pats Blair on the back and says.........

' You see, told you no one would ask about the Muslims....'

[sheriffvilla]

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "Business trip or holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States." The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. "Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most Well-endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos . But all my friends call me Paddy."

[b23avfc]

quality and good timing!

[Jimzk5]

why do scottish people where kilts?

because the sheep run off when they hear the zip come down.

[aussiedave]

Hope this hasn`t been done already....

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the

well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said

'OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr Chang then said

"OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse

case I ever see.Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously

"Oh my God,Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied,

" Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse ."

[Demitri_C]

Johnny wanted to shag a girl in his office.....but she belonged to

someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give

you a 1000 dollars if you let me shag you... but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you

bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She

thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her

boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very

fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and

accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to

call.

Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...

She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"

[sheriffvilla]

Hope no-one takes this in an anti-DOL way, this is just how the joke was sent to me...

David O'Leary has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Dave thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Glenn Hoddle and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" David said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Doug Ellis with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented David.

The devil opened a third door. In it, David saw Steve Bruce lying naked on

the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in

spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Karen Brady, taking it up the arse. O'Leary looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Karen, you're free to go!"

[Designer1]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do

you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on

her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft,

fuffy Bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her

knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don't weally fink my pet pyfon

gives a phuk"

[LancsVillan]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take

off my trousers," he said.

"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they

were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear

them, as they were too large.

I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family

and I always will. " Ever since that day, we have never had single

problem."....

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the

wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and

told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear

them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I

always will.

I don't want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.

"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your **** attitude, you

never will."

[LancsVillan]

Almost a millionaire....

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his

sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So

one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most

beautiful

woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up

to her"

but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit

20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and,

three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men........

[LancsVillan]

The Rabbi and Inland Revenue At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent

an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to The Rabbi and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle

drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the

candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question

had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to

trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back

to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy

biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the

know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins

from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all

the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a Year they

send us a complete dick ".

[LancsVillan]

Cooking breakfast

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for

Breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"

[NibblyPig]

LancsVillan shares his unique brand of wit and humour with other VillaTalkers

... ah shit, wrong thread!

[Demitri_C]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and

step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not

bothering

to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the

showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns

heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall

and

freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun

suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he

drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure

enough,he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice

and

three

times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells...

"Holy Mary, Mother of God hand lotion too!"

[b23avfc]

oh my!

[Designer1]

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc....

After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant

and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The

farmer doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to

display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the

pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around

and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the

conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate

the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has

sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he

wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing

around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the

truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for

good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he

wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells

himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls

listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at

the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in

the mud.

No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

[Guest RantinRob]

Muhahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa :-)