Jimzk5 Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 how do you kill a circus? go for the jugular. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChesterVillan Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two tickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChesterVillan Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's f***ing hundreds of them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernvilla Posted November 26, 2005 Share Posted November 26, 2005 GARY GLITTER FACING THE FIRING SQUAD. HAVE YOU ANY LAST REQUESTS? YES. I'D LIKE PETER CROUCH TO SHOOT ME.. excellent!! Cant believe this thread has been going nearly two years. Not having been on the site in a while I had to check it was the same one!! Keep it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish-villan Posted November 26, 2005 Share Posted November 26, 2005 Aston Villa signed a young Iraq kid and he slowly made his way up to the reserves. He played magnificantly for the reserves and the manager said hed put him on the bench to play Bolton on Saturday. With 20 minutes to go Milan Baros picked up an injury and the Iraq kid came on for him. 5 minutes after coming on the ball landed to him on the edge of the area. He had a shot and the ball went straight into the top corner. Villa went on to win the game. After the match he went straight out to ring his mother and tell her the story. Hes mother then said to him when you were out playing football, your father was shot, your sister was raped on the streets and your brother was kidnapped. The son then said sorry but theres nothing i could have done. The mother the mother replied angrily and said what do you mean theres nothing you could have done, its your fault we moved to Birmingham in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others,if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The Waiting Room erupted in laughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villafan306 Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 Aston Villa signed a young Iraq kid and he slowly made his way up to the reserves. He played magnificantly for the reserves and the manager said hed put him on the bench to play Bolton on Saturday. With 20 minutes to go Milan Baros picked up an injury and the Iraq kid came on for him. 5 minutes after coming on the ball landed to him on the edge of the area. He had a shot and the ball went straight into the top corner. Villa went on to win the game. After the match he went straight out to ring his mother and tell her the story. Hes mother then said to him when you were out playing football, your father was shot, your sister was raped on the streets and your brother was kidnapped. The son then said sorry but theres nothing i could have done. The mother the mother replied angrily and said what do you mean theres nothing you could have done, its your fault we moved to Birmingham in the first place. Works better with Liverpool :winkold: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheriffvilla Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have suffered particularly horrible deaths. So, what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for weeks now I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to catch her in the act. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could sense something was wrong, but all my searching didn't reveal where this other guy could be hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes and survived. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, pushed our old refrigerator (that hadn't been picked up yet) over the edge, where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning when I was stretching my legs on the railing, somehow I slipped and fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor beneath me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside an empty refrigerator..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted November 28, 2005 Moderator Share Posted November 28, 2005 As its approaching the festive season........... A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish-villan Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 This bloke goes down on a woman he'd met that night and says "**** hell whats that smell?" The woman replies "that'll be my arthritus." The bloke says " wha in ur fanny????" Woman says " no in my shoulder.. I cant wipe my arse". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish-villan Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, trying to go asleep. the husband turns on the bedlamp to read a book. As hes reading he periodically reaches over and fondles his wifes "special area." The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused. Assuming that the husband is seeking some encouragement she gets out of bed and stsrts stripping off in front of him. The husband asks " what are you doing" The wife replies "You were rubbing me downtown i thought it was foreplay" The husband says " no not at all" The wife replies angrily "so what the **** were u doing" Husband replies "i was just wetting my fingers so i can turn the pages of my book" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Chavmas Carol ...... On the 12th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me: twelve chavvers chavving, eleven prammers pushing, ten lads joy-riding, nine ladies drinking, eight midriffes showing, seven scallies stealing, six teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 why did mickey mouse go to space? to see pluto :oops: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Ali G's sister goes into labour. she is screaming in pain as she is giving birth to twins. the doctor says push, push! they eventually both come out but before she could see what sex they are she passes out and goes into a coma. three months later she wakes from the coma, "where am i" she asks the doctor. he says your in hopsital. "my babies were are my babies?" she shrieks "don't worry your brother has looked after them for the past few months, you have a beautiful baby boy as well as adorable little girl.he even named the babies for you" he replies "oh no! what did he name the girl? "dernise" the doctor says "thats not too bad. so what did he name the boy?" " der nephew" :oops: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 ANAL SEX.....it's **** shit !!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted December 6, 2005 Moderator Share Posted December 6, 2005 To be taken seriously. The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion. 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windscreen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duncandares Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen, I'm 68 years old, I only get an erection once a month, but I fart all day long !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheriffvilla Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. She yelled "fore" but it was too late. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony. The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Condimentalist Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Whats the difference between Oral sex and Anal sex? Oral sex makes yor day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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