WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Withnail]

One for Rob:

A young woman visits the doctor for a breast examination. When he sees her he is surprised to see an 'O'-shaped mark on her chest.

"Oh," she explains. "That's from my boyfriend's Oxford University jumper. He likes to wear it when we have sex and the crest rubs against my skin."

A couple of weeks later, another girl is in for a breast examination. She whips her top off, and there is a 'C' in the middle of her chest.

The doctor raises an eyebrow while the girl explains that her lover likes to wear his Cambridge University jumper during sex.

Weeks later, a third girl comes in for an examination and she has a 'W' on her chest.

"Ah!" cries the doctor. "Let me guess, you have a boyfriend at Warwick?"

"No," smiles the girl. "I've got a girlfriend at Manchester."

[NibblyPig]

Do you know what makes me really cross?

When I simply have to get to the other side of the street!

[paddy]

Something very rare here, a funny quote from a female comedian...

"My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when

I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a clearing in the woods."

[gareth_barry's_left_foot]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I would like to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. You see, my brothers, they’re not so religious but I’ve given up beer for lent"

[Grogan_Avfc]

A woman notices a small wrinkled man sitting in a rocking chair on his front porch. She walks over to him and says "you look like you've lived a long life, whats your secret?". The man replies "well I smoke 50 fags a day, drink gallons of vodka and whiskey each day, and make sure i've always got some drugs with me". "Wow" says the woman, " how old are you?" "24"

[Grogan_Avfc]

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle she was eager to find out all she could about him. After an hours worth of questions, Jane asks "Tarzan what do you do for sex?" "Tarzan not know sex" came the reply. So Jane explains sex to tarzan and tarzan says "oh, Tarzan just use hole in trunk of tree." "no,no" says Jane and takes off all her clothes. "Here Tarzan, you put it in here." So Jane lies on the floor and tarzan gives her an almightly kick between her legs. After Jane had finished rolling around in agony she asks "what did you do that for?!" "Tarzan check for bees"

[b23avfc]

all quality...

[villahero]

just had this on e-mail...........

what have heather mills and everton got in common ?

their second leg is just for show !!!!

poor taste but amusing

[Withnail]

A Salesman knocks at the door of a house and a young boy, 7 or 8 years of age opens the door. In his right hand the boy is holding a large lit cigar and in his left, an exceedingly large brandy.

"Hello son" says the Salesman, "Is your Mum or Dad in"?

The boy gives him a confused look and holding up his cigar and brandy says

"Does it **** look like it"?

[ChrisVillan]

Something very rare here, a funny quote from a female comedian...

"My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when

I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a clearing in the woods."

Karen Bayley?

[Withnail]

Finding it hard to be politically correct...not anymore!!!!

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

1. She is not a babe or a chick - she is a Breasted Citizen.

2. She is not easy - she is Horizontally Accessible.

3. She is not blonde - she is A Detour Off The Information Superhighway.

4. She has not been around - she is a Previously Enjoyed Companion.

5. She is not an airhead - she is Reality Impaired.

6. She does not get drunk or tipsy - she gets Chemically Inconvenienced.

7. She is not horny - she is Sexually Focused.

8. She does not have breast implants - she is Medically Enhanced.

9. She does not nag you - she becomes Verbally Repetitive.

10. She is not a slut - she is Sexually Extroverted.

11. She does not have premier league hooters - she is Pectoraly Superior.

12. She is not a two-bit slapper - she is A Low Cost Service Provider.

How to speak about men and be politically correct:

1. He does not have a beer gut - he has developed A Liquid Storage Facility

2. He is not a bad dancer - he is Overly Caucasian.

3. He does not get lost - he Investigates Alternative Destinations.

4. He is not balding - he is in Follicle Regression.

5. He is not a cradle snatcher - he is Generationally Differential.

6. He does not get falling-down drunk - he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

7. He does not act like a total ass - he develops Rectal Cranial Inversion.

8. He is not a male chauvinist pig - he has Swine Empathy.

9. He is not afraid of commitment - he is Monogamously Challenged.

Save the best till last..........

10. He is not a w*nker - he is an Owner Operator

[Guest]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so

much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

[LancsVillan]

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. No one else will know, so you won't be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember, your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line.

Here's the situation:

You are in Louisiana; New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer...somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is. It's George W. Bush, President of the United States!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under... forever. You have two options - you can save the life of G.W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question below, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high-contrast colour film, or go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[BOF]

High contrast colour

[drat01]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed"

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, with head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks:

"How many is a Brazillion?"

[Richard]

Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson at an awards bask.

"Hello" she says "I've seen you before. What do you do"

"Top Gear" says Jeremy.

"Great I'll have 4 grammes please"

[LancsVillan]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to

the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the

confessional, the man said, "Father ... during World War II, a beautiful

woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid

her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you

have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual

favours."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However,

two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way.

But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. "That is a great load off my mind. However, I do have

one more question "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell

her the war is over?"

[villahero]

doctor is examining a bloke and notices his yellow cock. the doctor is puzzled and asks " is there anyone in your family with the same problem ", the bloke answers no so the doctor asks " do you come into contact with chemicals at work ? " the bloke replies " no, i don't work " the doctor asks " well what do you do all day ? " to which the bloke replies " i just watch porn films whilst eating ' quavers ' !!!!

[Nigel]

Not really a boom boom joke but by god it made me laugh.....

Take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two

judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to

town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was

visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli

cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions

to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the

other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that

spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy 5h1t, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure

what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people

who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more

beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose

feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by

now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the

back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting

5h1t-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,

was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting

to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an

aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I fart3d and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding

by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm

burning my lips off. It really p155e5 me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Stuff those rednecks!

Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 - I 5hat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any

more. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,

and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the

world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with

chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like

stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know

what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Sod

it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it

in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed

out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not

sure if he's going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he'd have reacted

to a really hot chilli?

[LancsVillan]

1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a gun at him?

8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10 What is the speed of darkness?

11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for non-disabled people at the paralympics?

12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

18 Can you cry under water?

19 What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ............ they're still going to see you naked anyway