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I should have said...


AJ

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For all those times in which a certain situation arose, you wish you had said something different or ages after the event, the perfect quip comes to mind. This thread is for those moments.

Whether it is the perfect comeback, a one liner that makes you a comedy legend in your lunch break, or even the right words to use that would quell an angry partner's rage rather than condemn you to the destitution of singledom (again), what are the best things we could say in the moment rather than in hindsight? Hopefully, with the collective wisdom and experience of VT, we may be able to have a ready catalogue of the best things to say in just about any random scenario, right here in this very thread!

OK, I will start.

I have " banked" a couple of retorts for people who piss me off. I am usually pretty tolerant, and I try to refrain from swearing, but if someone truly deserves it, I have these grenades. " Why don't you f### your boot, there is a c### in it." and ( while handing somebody a 50c coin) " Here is 50 cents. Go buy yourself a carrot and go f### yourself." I intend to use these for people who really piss me off, and truly deserve it. Of course, being mature would be the correct course of action, but there would be a great deal of satisfaction saying it to someone who truly deserves it.

Hindsight is a goldmine. Now please, share the wealth!

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L'esprit de l'escalier or l'esprit d'escalier("staircase wit") is a French term used in English for the predicament of thinking of the perfect reply too late.

Origin

This name for the phenomenon comes from French encyclopedist and philosopher Denis Diderot's description of such a situation in his Paradoxe sur le comédien. During a dinner at the home of statesman Jacques Necker, a remark was made to Diderot which left him speechless at the time, because, he explains, "l’homme sensible, comme moi, tout entier à ce qu’on lui objecte, perd la tête et ne se retrouve qu’au bas de l’escalier" ("a sensitive man, such as myself, overwhelmed by the argument levelled against him, becomes confused and can only think clearly again [when he finds himself] at the bottom of the stairs").

In this case, "the bottom of the stairs" refers to the architecture of the kind of hôtel particulier or mansion to which Diderot had been invited. In such houses, the reception rooms were on the étage noble, one floor above the ground floor. To have reached the bottom of the stairs means to have definitively left the gathering.

Similar English terms

English speakers sometimes call this "escalator wit", or "staircase wit". Afterwit is a synonym, with forewit as its antonym, and is also sometimes referred to as "jerk-storing" after the Seinfeld episode The Comeback.[citation needed]

In other languages

The Yiddish trepverter ("staircase words") and the German loan translation Treppenwitz(when used in an English language context[citation needed]) express the same idea as l'esprit de l'escalier. However, in contemporary German Treppenwitz has a different meaning: It refers to events or facts that seem to contradict their own background or context. The frequently used phrase "Treppenwitz der Weltgeschichte" ("staircase joke of world history") derives from the title of a book by that name by W. Lewis Hertsletand means "a paradox of history".

Wiki

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48 minutes ago, Paddywhack said:

I always think it's better if the put down is relevant to the situation rather than just a generic come back. I hate it when a stand up handles a heckler by some one liner they've been using for years.

True. Someone could come up with the best " Yo Mama" joke, but they would look stupid saying it to their brother or sister.

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I don't really have anything I can say in a moment of an argument or anything like that. 

I like to look them right in the eye, move closer, point to my eyes and start crying.  Then I'll say something like "I hope you're happy now, you big bully", before running off, flailing my arms and screaming. 

Where I go, I have no idea, but it's a very dark place. 

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I started a new job in January, and in the first few weeks on a pub lunch, a few guys were playing shuffleboard. After watching someone do a poor shot, which barely left his hand (it slid about 7 inches), I let out a really loud "HA!"

 

I wish I could take that back. The guy taking the shot is in a different team to mine. I'd never spoken to him at this point, and still haven't. I'm sure he's forgotten about it, but I still feel bad whenever I walk past his team. They must think I'm a right arse. I do that kinda sympathetic smile every time I see him around the office. Almost like I'm correcting my reaction, and reliving the moment where his arm could only muster up the strength of a 4-year-old girl.

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12 minutes ago, Rob182 said:

I started a new job in January, and in the first few weeks on a pub lunch, a few guys were playing shuffleboard. After watching someone do a poor shot, which barely left his hand (it slid about 7 inches), I let out a really loud "HA!"

 

I wish I could take that back. The guy taking the shot is in a different team to mine. I'd never spoken to him at this point, and still haven't. I'm sure he's forgotten about it, but I still feel bad whenever I walk past his team. They must think I'm a right arse. I do that kinda sympathetic smile every time I see him around the office. Almost like I'm correcting my reaction, and reliving the moment where his arm could only muster up the strength of a 4-year-old girl.

Could be worse. If you said something like " If 7 inches is all you have to offer, I am off to see your missus." , that could be regrettable.

OK. You looked and felt like a tit for a moment, but it shouldn't be for an age. Hopefully, an opportunity will come up that shows him that he is wrong to think you are a dick, and that you are actually pretty cool. There are worse things in the world to be than bad at shuffleboard.

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There was this time that a black guy was saying shit to me.  He was a muslim bloke, and he was disabled and wheelchair bound.  Dwarf too.  Cross dresser and was bisexual. 

man.. that was a toughie to navigate.  

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My problem isn't so much not thinking of something to say but I have the old problem where I say the bits I mean to say quietly loudly, and the loud bits quietly.  For example, my boss goes 'Could you just give Caroline a push, she's struggling again' and I'd go 'Yeah that's ok, I'll give her a push....OFF A CLIFF' or I'd be 'mumble, mumble, mumble...YOU CLEARING IN THE WOODS'.  I can't help it sometimes, it's like I start a sentence calm and get pissed off by the end of it.

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On 13/03/2018 at 10:45, Rob182 said:

I started a new job in January, and in the first few weeks on a pub lunch, a few guys were playing shuffleboard. After watching someone do a poor shot, which barely left his hand (it slid about 7 inches), I let out a really loud "HA!"

 

I wish I could take that back. The guy taking the shot is in a different team to mine. I'd never spoken to him at this point, and still haven't. I'm sure he's forgotten about it, but I still feel bad whenever I walk past his team. They must think I'm a right arse. I do that kinda sympathetic smile every time I see him around the office. Almost like I'm correcting my reaction, and reliving the moment where his arm could only muster up the strength of a 4-year-old girl.

He now think's you're gay and fancy him

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