Hurdy Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 My Girlfriend came up to me yesterday and told me she was pregnant. So I punched her as hard as I could in the stomach and said "Not anymore, bitch" You must be twelve and so can be forgiven. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted December 12, 2008 VT Supporter Share Posted December 12, 2008 My Girlfriend came up to me yesterday and told me she was pregnant. So I punched her as hard as I could in the stomach and said "Not anymore, bitch" You must be twelve and so can be forgiven. How patronising. i could almost feeling you reaching out of my monitor and ruffling my hair... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 What's the difference between a gay and a microwave? A microwave won't brown your sausage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnCresswell Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 This thread is a month away from being five years old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delaney Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 q. What's Mr. T's favourite yoghurt? a. A petits filous q. Whats E.T. short for? a. Because he's only got wee legs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RamboMcInally Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 This thread is a month away from being five years old. I dont get it :winkold: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Si. Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 What you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nevillain Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 What you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Si. Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 A lesbian goes to her weight watchers class. Her tutor says to her, "You have gained 3 pounds..thats not good enough remember, you ARE what you eat." The lesbian replies "Oi are you calling me a kant?" (had to spell it kant coz of the word removed bollocks) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 q. Whats E.T. short for? a. Because he's only got wee legs! I laughed. :oops: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gringo Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 Birmingham say Scotland striker James McFadden is staying at St Andrews unless they receive an offer of £18m. (Daily Star) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 A 13 year old girl sits on Santa's knee. Santa says "What would you like for Christmas?" The girl says "I want some hair round my fanny". Santa says "Would a white beard be OK? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xliosive Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 It's not a joke but an amusing comment I came across on a martial arts mesage board: "Nahhhh I may be physically strong, but I still have flaws when it comes to fighting. You'll feel my punches though. I had 5 fights last night, and one of them was with a small Japanese girl...and she's very fast, and she told me to use 10% of my power, but she walked right into one of my punches to her liver, and I felt so bad...there is only one girl that I can actually fight with 40% of my power, and she's about 5'10 165LB...very pretty too. I like fighting women, because it teaches me to use control, and work on speed. One thing people do have a problem with though is keeping their hands up...I watch hands constantly, and if you drop any one of your hands for a split second...you will pay for it...but you'll probably never do it again...lol" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 I just bought my epileptic mate a strobe light for xmas... He's gonna have a **** fit when he sees it!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 A man is sitting at the breakfast table when his wife comes in and hits him on the head with a rolled up newspaper. "What was THAT for?" he asks? "I just found a piece of paper in your pocket with Mary Ellen written on it!" "Oh" he replies,"that was just the name of a horse I was going to bet on!" A few days later at breakfast the mans wife comes in and bladders him round the head with a frying pan. "What the **** was that for?" he cried. "Your horse phoned" she replied Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Birmingham 1 - 3 Reading (No this isn't in the wrong thread) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
privateer Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 My uncle was the world's worst ventriloquist. When I was a kid he used to sit me on his knee, stick his fingers up my arse and tell me to say nothing to anybody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 A man is sitting at the breakfast table when his wife comes in and hits him on the head with a rolled up newspaper. "What was THAT for?" he asks? "I just found a piece of paper in your pocket with Mary Ellen written on it!" "Oh" he replies,"that was just the name of a horse I was going to bet on!" A few days later at breakfast the mans wife comes in and bladders him round the head with a frying pan. "What the **** was that for?" he cried. "Your horse phoned" she replied That one is superb. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted December 21, 2008 VT Supporter Share Posted December 21, 2008 A man is sitting at the breakfast table when his wife comes in and hits him on the head with a rolled up newspaper. "What was THAT for?" he asks? "I just found a piece of paper in your pocket with Mary Ellen written on it!" "Oh" he replies,"that was just the name of a horse I was going to bet on!" A few days later at breakfast the mans wife comes in and bladders him round the head with a frying pan. "What the **** was that for?" he cried. "Your horse phoned" she replied As you say 'Its a cracker'! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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