WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Spoony]

this isn't quite a joke, more an amusing observation

yes? no?

[rjw63]

Yes.......but I dont know who the first bloke is

[acwilliams]

Yes.......but I dont know who the first bloke is

Current Lincoln manager Peter Jackson.

[Mellberg21]

A young girl had been raped and was in court to give evidence.

Again I'll ask - where IS Gabby15??? :-)

Gone. :cry:

[zak]

A young girl had been raped and was in court to give evidence.

Again I'll ask - where IS Gabby15??? :-)

Gone. :cry:

pretty sure he got a red card!

[Ikantcpell]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "The wall! Watch the **** wall!"

[Mellberg21]

A young girl had been raped and was in court to give evidence.

Again I'll ask - where IS Gabby15??? :-)

Gone. :cry:

pretty sure he got a red card!

Yeah, it was. :cry: :cry: :cry:

[sled]

If you do a search for any post by gabby15 you'll see he has a card - a yellow one like mine.

[acwilliams]

This one might sit uncomfortably with some, but it is a parody of an advert.

Eighteen year old Virgin.

No recollection from the victim.

No witnesses.

Carlsberg don't do rapes.......

[BOF]

I haven't just texted that to my mates. Nope, not a bit of it.

[villab0y]

The Death of Mr. Common Sense

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I

would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was

always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by.

Today I read his obituary. Please join me for a moment of silence in

remembrance. For Common Sense had served us all so well for so many

generations.

Obituary

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who

has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was

since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as

knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the

worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more

than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children

are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but

overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy

charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended

from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for

reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the

job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental

consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a

student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant

and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became

contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better

treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you

couldn't legally defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the

burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to

realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in

her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his

wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He

is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to

Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If

you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do

nothing.

[Juju]

Common sense is about checking facts before posting them. It's not dead yet, but the poster appears to have failed to use it.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to

realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in

her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

There is a lot of hype about the McDonalds' scalding coffee case. No

one is in favor of frivolous cases of outlandish results; however, it is

important to understand some points that were not reported in most of

the stories about the case. McDonalds coffee was not only hot, it was

scalding -- capable of almost instantaneous destruction of skin, flesh

and muscle. Here's the whole story.

Stella Liebeck of Albuquerque, New Mexico, was in the passenger seat of

her grandson's car when she was severely burned by McDonalds' coffee in

February 1992. Liebeck, 79 at the time, ordered coffee that was served

in a styrofoam cup at the drivethrough window of a local McDonalds.

After receiving the order, the grandson pulled his car forward and

stopped momentarily so that Liebeck could add cream and sugar to her

coffee. (Critics of civil justice, who have pounced on this case, often

charge that Liebeck was driving the car or that the vehicle was in

motion when she spilled the coffee; neither is true.) Liebeck placed

the cup between her knees and attempted to remove the plastic lid from

the cup. As she removed the lid, the entire contents of the cup spilled

into her lap.

The sweatpants Liebeck was wearing absorbed the coffee and held it next

to her skin. A vascular surgeon determined that Liebeck suffered full

thickness burns (or third-degree burns) over 6 percent of her body,

including her inner thighs, perineum, buttocks, and genital and groin

areas. She was hospitalized for eight days, during which time she

underwent skin grafting. Liebeck, who also underwent debridement

treatments, sought to settle her claim for $20,000, but McDonalds

refused.

During discovery, McDonalds produced documents showing more than 700

claims by people burned by its coffee between 1982 and 1992. Some claims

involved third-degree burns substantially similar to Liebecks. This

history documented McDonalds' knowledge about the extent and nature of

this hazard.

McDonalds also said during discovery that, based on a consultants

advice, it held its coffee at between 180 and 190 degrees fahrenheit to

maintain optimum taste. He admitted that he had not evaluated the

safety ramifications at this temperature. Other establishments sell

coffee at substantially lower temperatures, and coffee served at home is

generally 135 to 140 degrees.

Further, McDonalds' quality assurance manager testified that the company

actively enforces a requirement that coffee be held in the pot at 185

degrees, plus or minus five degrees. He also testified that a burn

hazard exists with any food substance served at 140 degrees or above,

and that McDonalds coffee, at the temperature at which it was poured

into styrofoam cups, was not fit for consumption because it would burn

the mouth and throat. The quality assurance manager admitted that burns

would occur, but testified that McDonalds had no intention of reducing

the "holding temperature" of its coffee.

Plaintiffs' expert, a scholar in thermodynamics applied to human skin

burns, testified that liquids, at 180 degrees, will cause a full

thickness burn to human skin in two to seven seconds. Other testimony

showed that as the temperature decreases toward 155 degrees, the extent

of the burn relative to that temperature decreases exponentially. Thus,

if Liebeck's spill had involved coffee at 155 degrees, the liquid would

have cooled and given her time to avoid a serious burn.

McDonalds asserted that customers buy coffee on their way to work or

home, intending to consume it there. However, the companys own research

showed that customers intend to consume the coffee immediately while

driving.

McDonalds also argued that consumers know coffee is hot and that its

customers want it that way. The company admitted its customers were

unaware that they could suffer thirddegree burns from the coffee and

that a statement on the side of the cup was not a "warning" but a

"reminder" since the location of the writing would not warn customers of

the hazard.

The jury awarded Liebeck $200,000 in compensatory damages. This amount

was reduced to $160,000 because the jury found Liebeck 20 percent at

fault in the spill. The jury also awarded Liebeck $2.7 million in

punitive damages, which equals about two days of McDonalds' coffee

sales.

Post-verdict investigation found that the temperature of coffee at the

local Albuquerque McDonalds had dropped to 158 degrees fahrenheit.

The trial court subsequently reduced the punitive award to $480,000 --

or three times compensatory damages -- even though the judge called

McDonalds' conduct reckless, callous and willful.

No one will ever know the final ending to this case.

The parties eventually entered into a secret settlement which has never

been revealed to the public, despite the fact that this was a public

case, litigated in public and subjected to extensive media reporting.

Such secret settlements, after public trials, should not be condoned.

-----

excerpted from ATLA fact sheet. © 1995, 1996 by Consumer Attorneys of

California

click for link

[rjw63]

^^^

;-)

[hycus-flange]

Common sense is about checking facts before posting them. It's not dead yet, but the poster appears to have failed to use it.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to

realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in

her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

There is a lot of hype about the McDonalds' scalding coffee case. No

one is in favor of frivolous cases of outlandish results; however, it is

important to understand some points that were not reported in most of

the stories about the case. McDonalds coffee was not only hot, it was

scalding -- capable of almost instantaneous destruction of skin, flesh

and muscle. Here's the whole story.

Stella Liebeck of Albuquerque, New Mexico, was in the passenger seat of

her grandson's car when she was severely burned by McDonalds' coffee in

February 1992. Liebeck, 79 at the time, ordered coffee that was served

in a styrofoam cup at the drivethrough window of a local McDonalds.

After receiving the order, the grandson pulled his car forward and

stopped momentarily so that Liebeck could add cream and sugar to her

coffee. (Critics of civil justice, who have pounced on this case, often

charge that Liebeck was driving the car or that the vehicle was in

motion when she spilled the coffee; neither is true.) Liebeck placed

the cup between her knees and attempted to remove the plastic lid from

the cup. As she removed the lid, the entire contents of the cup spilled

into her lap.

The sweatpants Liebeck was wearing absorbed the coffee and held it next

to her skin. A vascular surgeon determined that Liebeck suffered full

thickness burns (or third-degree burns) over 6 percent of her body,

including her inner thighs, perineum, buttocks, and genital and groin

areas. She was hospitalized for eight days, during which time she

underwent skin grafting. Liebeck, who also underwent debridement

treatments, sought to settle her claim for $20,000, but McDonalds

refused.

During discovery, McDonalds produced documents showing more than 700

claims by people burned by its coffee between 1982 and 1992. Some claims

involved third-degree burns substantially similar to Liebecks. This

history documented McDonalds' knowledge about the extent and nature of

this hazard.

McDonalds also said during discovery that, based on a consultants

advice, it held its coffee at between 180 and 190 degrees fahrenheit to

maintain optimum taste. He admitted that he had not evaluated the

safety ramifications at this temperature. Other establishments sell

coffee at substantially lower temperatures, and coffee served at home is

generally 135 to 140 degrees.

Further, McDonalds' quality assurance manager testified that the company

actively enforces a requirement that coffee be held in the pot at 185

degrees, plus or minus five degrees. He also testified that a burn

hazard exists with any food substance served at 140 degrees or above,

and that McDonalds coffee, at the temperature at which it was poured

into styrofoam cups, was not fit for consumption because it would burn

the mouth and throat. The quality assurance manager admitted that burns

would occur, but testified that McDonalds had no intention of reducing

the "holding temperature" of its coffee.

Plaintiffs' expert, a scholar in thermodynamics applied to human skin

burns, testified that liquids, at 180 degrees, will cause a full

thickness burn to human skin in two to seven seconds. Other testimony

showed that as the temperature decreases toward 155 degrees, the extent

of the burn relative to that temperature decreases exponentially. Thus,

if Liebeck's spill had involved coffee at 155 degrees, the liquid would

have cooled and given her time to avoid a serious burn.

McDonalds asserted that customers buy coffee on their way to work or

home, intending to consume it there. However, the companys own research

showed that customers intend to consume the coffee immediately while

driving.

McDonalds also argued that consumers know coffee is hot and that its

customers want it that way. The company admitted its customers were

unaware that they could suffer thirddegree burns from the coffee and

that a statement on the side of the cup was not a "warning" but a

"reminder" since the location of the writing would not warn customers of

the hazard.

The jury awarded Liebeck $200,000 in compensatory damages. This amount

was reduced to $160,000 because the jury found Liebeck 20 percent at

fault in the spill. The jury also awarded Liebeck $2.7 million in

punitive damages, which equals about two days of McDonalds' coffee

sales.

Post-verdict investigation found that the temperature of coffee at the

local Albuquerque McDonalds had dropped to 158 degrees fahrenheit.

The trial court subsequently reduced the punitive award to $480,000 --

or three times compensatory damages -- even though the judge called

McDonalds' conduct reckless, callous and willful.

No one will ever know the final ending to this case.

The parties eventually entered into a secret settlement which has never

been revealed to the public, despite the fact that this was a public

case, litigated in public and subjected to extensive media reporting.

Such secret settlements, after public trials, should not be condoned.

-----

excerpted from ATLA fact sheet. © 1995, 1996 by Consumer Attorneys of

California

click for link

where's the punchline, i thought this was a joke thread

[BOF]

found Liebeck 20 percent at fault in the spill

I'd be fairly sure she was 100% at fault FOR THE SPILL. Idiot.

[RichardCanning]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

[kingphil]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car saleroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring." I can get away from him – no problem!" thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

[usvilla]

I went to the ATM / cash machine this morning and an old lady asked me to check her balance

so I pushed her over !

[Nigel]

Whats blue and **** grannies?

Me and my lucky blue coat!

(With thanks to Mr Jack Dee)

[rjw63]

Two old queens (Jim and John) had been together for many years and one day, Jim died. Then John asked all his mates to come round for the wake.

Once they had all arrived, they asked to see Jim's body. John told them that it would be impossible, as he had made Jim into a curry. Everyone was shocked and asked John why he had done this. John replied, "I just wanted to feel him slowly slip out of my arse one more time"