WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[RamboMcInally]

Two blokes on their dinner break and one looks in his bag only to find he has forgot his lunch. He says to his mate "Bloody hell, I'm starving have you got any spare?" His mate says,"Yeah have this sarnie, it's crab paste." He takes one bite and spits it out. "Thats disgusting" he says "where did you get the crab paste from?" He says "The doctors."

[rjw63]

I feel ill!

[rjw63]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy said "Me feet are freezing, will you nip upstairs and get my slippers for me?" "No bother", said Murphy and goes upstairs. There he finds Paddy's stunning twin 19 year old daughters sitting on the bed."Hello girls", he said smiling, "Your Dad sent me up here to shag the pair of ye!" "Feck off ya liar!" they replied. "I'll prove it!" says Murphy, so he shouts down the stairs "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course! What's the use of **** one?

[Ikantcpell]

A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The chicken turns over on its side and mutters, "Well, I guess that solves that debate

[Ikantcpell]

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" the interviewer asks.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responds the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 a.m., but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first

[villal]

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[will87]

Two suicide bombers are in a camping store trying on rucksacks.

One says to the other "does my bomb look big in this?"

[Daholteend]

A bloke was out on a date with a girl who asked him how he managed to get turned on.

"It's the blue pill." he tells her.

"Would it work for me ?" she asked.

"Possibly." he says.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asks.

"Probably if I take two of them !"

[Olejniker]

A man received a letter from a goverment agency ...

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activit on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative

Land and Water Management Division

This was his response ...

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any plce you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michign Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam anwering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Didn't really find it amusing, but what the heck.

[rjw63]

Taffy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." Taffy says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.

[The_Rev]

Why did R Kelly film himself having sex with a 14 year old girl, and when the video got leaked onto the internet and it looked like he would go to jail on charges of statutory rape, soliciting an underage girl into making childhood pornography and producing childhood pornography did he pay the girl a massive amount of money to say it wasnt her in the video?

He didnt. He's innocent.

[Gabby15]

Are we sticking to clean jokes or are sick ones allowed as well?

While I wait for the response:

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

[MR.Smalljob]

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That’s easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, ’Of course I will’".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that’s what I MEANT to say. But what came

OUT was, ’Of course I do.’"

[Phumfeinz]

Are we sticking to clean jokes or are sick ones allowed as well?

While I wait for the response:

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

[MR.Smalljob]

Why...?

- Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn’t usually wear any pants?

- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

- Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn’t it be leaving a dump?

- Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?

- Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?

- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

- Why do people say, "you’ve been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?

- Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

- Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

- Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you’re standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn’t you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?

- Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn’t be more fun to

eat a big one?

- Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it’s only a "penny for your

thoughts"? Where’s that extra penny going too ?

- Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?

- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

- Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

- Why is it called ’after dark’, when it is really after light?

[Gabby15]

What has 8 legs & makes women scream?

Gangra...

Spiders!

[rjw63]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. He said, "B.J. Titsengolf"

[villavipers]

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES NAVY'S ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[rjw63]

^^^

[Villaninireland]

2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ****' arse it won't be Coco Pops.

"

One fine day mister rabbit goes running around the forest and he sees a giraffe rolling a big fat juicy joint and says "giraffe giraffe! why do you smoke puff? come run with me and get fit instead" so the giraffe stops rolling his reefer and runs with the rabbit . Then they come across an elephant doing big fat lines of charlie on a mirror . The rabbit says "elephant elephant. why do you do drugs? come run with us instead and get fit ." so the elephant stops and goes running with the two then they come across a lion preparing a syringe of smack "lion lion" cries the rabbit, "why do you do drugs? come run with us instead." The lion with a mighty roar squashes the little rabbit to smithereens. "no!" the giraffe and the elephant cry "why did you do that? all he was trying to do was to help you out!" The Lion says "**** rabbit always makes me run around this wanky forest when he's done a few pills.

"