victie1 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Christiano Ronaldo.............................has been cleared of all sexual assault charges. The woman in question said "he dribbled a lot but got nowhere near the box". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villafan1985 Posted October 28, 2005 Share Posted October 28, 2005 Bird Flu has reached Florida They've had to cull Donald Duck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gareth_barry's_left_foot Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 Well it is Halloween... :evil: Johnny was sitting on a park bench stuffing his face full of all of the sweets he blagged on Halloween. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of those sweets will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?" "My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny. "Did he eat five chocolate bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted. "No, said Johnny, but he minded his own feckin business." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villafan306 Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 Doug created jokes you know.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gareth_barry's_left_foot Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line ... just one guy in front of me ... He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated ... he asked the teller ... "Why it change?Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?" The teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted November 2, 2005 Moderator Share Posted November 2, 2005 It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 am, on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker... "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!" I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep into my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE, PLEASE!!!" I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back ... "WOULD THE ASSHOLE WITH THE MICROPHONE KINDLY KEEP QUIET AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT !!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villadude Posted November 3, 2005 Author Share Posted November 3, 2005 Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not,! " he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 bloke walks into a pub with a piece of tarmac under his arm, says to the bar man "pint of bitter, and one for the road" ill get me coat..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheriffvilla Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Chav Jokes... What do you call a chav in a box? Innit. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs! What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?" How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand What do you call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4 What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything! What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 4, 2005 Moderator Share Posted November 4, 2005 The Irish government today announced it is changing it's emblem from a shamrock to a condom. This is because it reflects the government's political stance more accurately. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being ****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 ...-..--....----...-..--...--..----.....-..-.....-.. ..-..-....-.....-......---.-..-..-...-..-....--....----. ..-.-...--....--......-...-...-...-...-...-...-......--.. -.-..-....-.......---....-.....-....-....-....-.--...-.-. DAVID BLUNKETT'S RESIGNATION Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WEAREVILLA Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. So she decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70'S), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day after her add ran in the paper, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ...you have no legs! The old man smiled. "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!" Again the old man smiled, "I will never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said..."I rang the doorbell, didn't I ????" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hev Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Bit rude this - but I guess the blokes might like it!!!! Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on > >> the > >>bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she > >>somehow > >>slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. > >> > >> She yelled out for her husband Bruce. > >> > >> "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. > >> > >> "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. > >> > >> "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. > >>I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). > >> > >> They came back and they both tried to pull her up. > >> > >> "No way. We can't do it." > >> > >> Cobba said, "Lets try Plan B." > >> > >> "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" > >> > >> "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles > >> under > >>her" replied Cobba. > >> > >> "Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play > >> with > >>her tits." > >> > >> "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that > >> mate?" > >> > >> "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can > >> > >>slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive." :oops: (This just went round work!!!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish-villan Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Two cannibals are eating a clown and one of them turns to the other and Asks "Does this taste funny to you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish-villan Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Two fish are in a tank and one of them turns to the other and says "How the **** do you drive this thing?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish-villan Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 THE SMILE There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!" CONFESSIONAL An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s*x with each of them three times. Priest: Are you sorry for your sins? Man: What sins? Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you? Man: I'm Jewish Priest: Why are you telling me all this? Man: I'm telling everybody! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gareth_barry's_left_foot Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 Hmmm.... A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: el lápiz.'' A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because: 1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval. 4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador''), because: 1) In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2) They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. 3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish-villan Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 Man and Sheep Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisVillan Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 Genius. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheriffvilla Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 Woman walks into a butchers, said "Have you got any Ox tails?". The butcher said, "Yeah of course. Once upon a time, there was this ox..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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