mansonAVFC Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty 1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. 3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 6. Lift your head and spread your legs. 7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. 8. Just turn your back and drop it. 9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls. 10. Damn, I missed the hole again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mansonAVFC Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Car Names BMW Bavarian Manure Wagon SATURN Sorry about that unusual rattling noise FIAT Feeble Italian attempt at transportation And in German:Fehler in allen tilen (errors in all parts) Ford Found on road, dead or Fill Oil Reservoir Daily Lada Lousy and Defective Automobile GM General Maintenance Great Mistake GMC Garage Man's Companion Gotta Mechanic Coming? Generally Mediocre Cars Gets Mechanics Crazy Gods Mechanical Curse Got More Crap HONDA Had One Never Did Again Hang On, Not Done Accelerating Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive... JEEP Just Eats Every Part Junk Engineering Executed Poorly Just Empty Every Pocket MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along MG Money Guzzler MGB Might Go Backwards MGF Might Go Forward MIATA My Intention Always To Accelerate MOPAR Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously Most Often Passed At Races Mostly Old Parts And Rust Move Over People Are Racing Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly My Old Pig Ain't Running My Only Problems Are Repairs MUSTANG Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good OLDSMOBILE Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment old ladies driving slowly making other behind insanely late everyday PINTO Put In Nickel To Operate Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook PLYMOUTH Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood PORSCHE Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything SAAB Send Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown Sad Attempt At Beauty Sorry Auto, Always Broken Shape Appears Ass-Backwards SUBARU Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass The One You Ought To Avoid TRIUMPH This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help! Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt! VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless ACURA Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile Asia's Curse Upon Rural America AMC All Makes Combined A Major Cost A Mutated Car A Morons Car Another Major Catastrophe AUDI Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Automobile Under Demonic Influence Another Ugly Deutsche Invention Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc. BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Break My Window Break My Windshield Babbling Mechanical Wench Beastly Monstrous Wonder Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Barely Moving Wreck Big Money Waste Big Money. Why? Big Money Works Born Moderately Wealthy Breaks Most Wrenches Bring More Wrenches Brings Me Women Brings More Women Broken Money Waster Broke My Wallet Broken Monstrous Wonder Bumbling Mechanical Wretch Blasphemous Motorized Wreck BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques DODGE Drips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater Dead Old Dog Going East Dead On Day Guarantee Expires Dead On Delivery, Go Easy Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive EDSEL Every Day Something Else Leaks FIAT Failed Italian Automotive Technology Fix It Again, Tony! Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation FORD Frigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill First On Race Day First On Recall Day Fabricated Of Refried Dung Fails On Rainy Days Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream Fatally Obese Redneck Driver Fault Of R&D Finally Obsolete Racing Device Fireball On Rear Denting First On Road to Dump First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Recycle Dilemma Flipping Over Results in Death Flipped Over Roadside Disaster Follow Our Rusty Dogsled Foot On Road Decelerates Forced On Reluctant Drivers Formed Of Rejected DNA Forwarded Once; Return Denied Forward Only; Reverse Defective Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin Fork Over Repair Dough Fouled Out Re-done Dodge Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration Free Or Reduced Drastically Frequent Opinion Really Disappointed Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable Funny Old Rattling Dump (backwards) Driver Returns On Foot GEO Good Engineering Overlooked Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mansonAVFC Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Cough The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mansonAVFC Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 This isn't really a joke but is quite strange and makes you wonder. Proof that Bill Gates is the Devil The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.) By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following: B 66 I 73 L 76 L 76 G 71 A 65 T 84 E 69 S 83 + 3 ----- 666!! Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement??? Before you decide, consider the following: M S - D O S 6 . 2 1 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666 W I N D O W S 9 5 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666 Coincidence? You decide... Sorry about that I went a bit silly there, my mate sent them to me a couple of days ago and I had to post them. Enjoy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted October 17, 2005 VT Supporter Share Posted October 17, 2005 2 cows in a field, 1 says Moooooo! The other looks at him 'you b*stard i was gonna say that'! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gareth_barry's_left_foot Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 Tony Blair started jogging near No 10 Downing Street Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back. This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five quid !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mansonAVFC Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 Undies A blonde girl came home from college one day and told her mother that a boy had paid her a dollar to climb up a ladder and get his ball from off the roof. "You silly girl," her mother said, "he just wanted you to climb the ladder so he could look up your skirt and see your undies." The next day the same blonde girl came home from college and told her mother that the same boy gave her a dollar again to climb a ladder and get his ball off the roof. Just before her mother could admonish her for being silly, the girl said, "No mum, this time I tricked him. I wasn't wearing any undies!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villafan306 Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 I can't see this joke here and although it isn't that great there needs to be some reference to Sunday's game on here: How do you screw a bluenose? With a Phillips Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duncandares Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 A farmer was working his cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard "Keep right on till the end of the road..." Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal to a veterinarian in Sutton Coldfield When the vet asked him what was going on, the farmer told him. The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen too. He agreed he heard the small heath anthem but didn't seem particularly excited. "Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?" the farmer asked. The vet said, "Bud, I'm a Villa fan, last Sunday I heard twenty thousand arseholes singing it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craigyh74 Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 How To Shower Like a Woman: Take off clothes and place them in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. >>How To Shower Like a Man: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish-villan Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 Didier Drogba. biggest joke ive ever seen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisVillan Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 Newcastle United. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mansonAVFC Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 Birmingham City. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted October 24, 2005 Moderator Share Posted October 24, 2005 Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands. First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went." Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs." _____ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted October 26, 2005 Share Posted October 26, 2005 Some are a bit close to the mark but hey - THEY ARE DAMN FUNNY!! A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'. My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame 'cause he's a really good vet. Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'. Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much. It scared the shit out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again. Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'. A couple in a cafe in Llangollen (where I used to live) asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said............... 'Mc Don Alds'. Boss has to lay off Ann or jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off..... Ann says 'You better jack off, I've got a headache'. Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started. Paul McCartney poem inspired by his wife Heather -: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river. It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is! An Asian died and went to heaven, at the gates he saw St. Peter. He said to St. Peter 'I'm here for Jesus' St. Peter turned around and shouted 'Taxi for JC'. Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period. A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her vagina. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!' Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted October 27, 2005 Moderator Share Posted October 27, 2005 A boy about 13 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened dead frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of"a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. " The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases? " Of course the Madam said"No". He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the second room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others? " He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, ........and He's the Bastard who ran over my FROG! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisVillan Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Al, you are a wrong'un, but that was a beaut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 bloke walks into a pub with a crocadile on a leed, the barman looks at him and says "get that out, you cant bring that in ere!" the bloke says "dont worry, its a special croc, it does tricks" barman says "tricks, what do you mean" so the bloke with the croc says "ill show you what tricks it does" so he unzips his trousers, gets his cock out and puts it in the crocs mouth, grabs a bar stool and hits the croc over the head, the croc bites down, and the man winces in pain. the barman says "christ you must be brave" the bloke says "would anyone else like to have a go?" 80 year old woman in the corner walks over and says "ill have a go, but dont hit me as hard as you hit that crocodile" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 whats the differance between clint eastwood and anal sex? one makes your day, the other makes your hole week. (think about it) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted October 27, 2005 Moderator Share Posted October 27, 2005 who is the boss of the hankies....... the hankcheif sorry that was bad :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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