LancsVillan Posted June 30, 2005 Moderator Share Posted June 30, 2005 DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate. Things PMS Stands For 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweatpants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff - And my favorite one.. 13. Potential Murder Suspect Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a good warning. And remember: Money talks.... But Chocolate sings! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tegis Posted July 1, 2005 VT Supporter Share Posted July 1, 2005 An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the girls father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted July 1, 2005 Moderator Share Posted July 1, 2005 WHERE'S MY ROOSTER The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the ten chickens and one cock rooster he kept in a hen house at the back of the church. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and so the priest, who had for a long time suspected that cock fighting was taking place in the village, decided to mention it in church the next morning. At mass, he addressed the congregation, "Has anyone here got a cock?" All of the men stood up. "No, no" he said, "that wasn't what I meant, has anyone SEEN a cock?" All of the women stood up. "NO, NO" he said somewhat exasperated "that wasn't what I meant either, has anyone seen a cock that does NOT belong to them?" Half of the women stood up. "Jesus and Mary" he muttered quietly, "No, no no. Let me rephrase the question, has anyone seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted July 11, 2005 Moderator Share Posted July 11, 2005 Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for s something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees." The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRL Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 Thats ace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hev Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 > Marriage - Part I > A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the > wedding, he laid down the following rules: > > > 1). "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at the time I want and > I don't expect any hassle from you. > > 2). I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that > > I won't be home for dinner. > > 3). I'll go hunting, fishing, drinking and card-playing when I want > > with my buddies and don't you ever complain about it. > > "Those are my rules. Any comments?" > > His new bride replied, "No, that's all just fine with me. But please > understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . > whether you're here or not." > > (DAMM SHE'S GOOD!) > > ************************************ > Marriage (Part II) > > Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th > wedding anniversary! > > The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone > that reads: > > "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " > > "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone > that reads: > > "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last" > > (HE ASKED FOR IT!) > ***************************** > > Marriage (Part III) > Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast > table. > Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed > either," > and storms out of the house. > > After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends > and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the > irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" > > She says, "I was in bed." > > "In bed this early, doing what?" > > "Getting a second opinion!" > > (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!) > ****************************************** > > Marriage (Part IV) > > A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so > proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of > Six" in spite of her objections. > > One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go > home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. > He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' > > His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts > back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." > > (RIGHT ON, LADY!) > ************************************** > > Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment > > A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were > giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized > that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM > for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to > break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, > >"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. > > The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and > he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his > > wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. > > The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." > > Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. > God may have created man before woman, but there is always a > rough draft before the masterpiece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Come on guys... any new jokes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Hey Wheelie Bin ............ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LJRM050389 Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Why are mates liek condoms? Cause they protect you when things get hard. Poor, knicked it from the school playground Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted July 29, 2005 Moderator Share Posted July 29, 2005 PAGE 5 - no wonder everyone is depressed Man walks into a pub and orders 10 straight whiskeys. "Celebrating are we?" says the barman. "Yep, just had my first blowjob" "Congratulations" says the barman "have another on the house" "No thanks" says the man "If 10 don't get rid of the taste nothing will!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villaninireland Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus right now ... A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 I'm sure this has been on here before but someone had to bump this thread to the top... Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the shit out of the dog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children ! His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse No she replies, I'm your sons' English Teacher Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Aston Villa trying to sign Baros...................what a joke! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRL Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 small heath trying to be a premier league club... what a JOKE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simon_Terry Posted August 2, 2005 Share Posted August 2, 2005 Why is an old lady's vagina like a pork-pie? Because in both cases you have to bite through the crust and suck out the jelly to get to the meat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted August 3, 2005 Moderator Share Posted August 3, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted August 4, 2005 Moderator Share Posted August 4, 2005 Treat you women like your car Give it a regular, thorough going over. Touch up the exterior. Rub it down nicely. Have a quick tinker with the underside. Clean out the tubes. Make sure it's waxed regularly. Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting? Or bump starting? Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming. Change the lubrication. Check for leaks. Check the rubber is not wearing thin. Keep an eye out for bald patches. Lift up the front and have a long hard look. Check the rear end is clean and tidy. Check for spare tyre and any handles. Keep an eye on fuel consumption. Check the condition of the big end. Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days. Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it. Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable? Ensure that it responds well to you when you're in the driving seat. Make sure it's always clean inside. Make sure that it will not require any extra/expert servicing. Check all crevices, especially the box, for dust, dirt, or insect nests. Have any cracks been inexpertly filled in the past? Check the mileage and for any previous lady owners. And that no animals have ever been inside. Fit a child lock. The younger the better. Check that it will not break down on you with no warning. Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored. Does it drive well in reverse? Ensure you can tune the radio in to the football. Ensure you have sole ownership. If possible, test drive several times before commiting to ownership. Make sure that there is a proper response when you put your foot down, and that it is easy to control. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Actually, Ive always found women to be like my cars. Neither of them ever seem to go far enough. Actually, I like my women like my coffee. On street corners and I never pay more tha £4 ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NibblyPig Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 Actually, Ive always found women to be like my cars. Neither of them ever seem to go far enough. You keep pouring endless streams of money towards their up-keep and yet their condition gets worse by the day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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