WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[BenjaminJames]

Three guys and a girl are stranded on a desert island. After a week on the island the girl commits suicide because she's so ashamed of what she's been doing. After another week on the island the guys bury the girl because they're so ashamed of what they've been doing. A further week later the guys dig the girl back up because they're so ashamed of what they've been doing.

[Guest RantinRob]

Three guys and a girl are stranded on a desert island. After a week on the island the girl commits suicide because she's so ashamed of what she's been doing. After another week on the island the guys bury the girl because they're so ashamed of what they've been doing. A further week later the guys dig the girl back up because they're so ashamed of what they've been doing.

muhahahaha! Good 'un

[Risso]

Michael Jackson's taking the family on holiday to Florida. He's going to Tampa with the kids.

[dbaldelli]

tony the tiger was negotiating a new deal with keloggs frosties, it was all grrrrrreaat apart from a new clause in the contract.......... tony liked his old ones.

[Dale]

oh dear!

[JohnCresswell]

Well I like it.

[LancsVillan]

in a flash of inspiratin I worked out what was wrong with the board and just looked at how far down this board the joke thread had fallen

so

A bloke walks into a bar with a crocodile. Predictably, most of the patrons scarper and the barman complains. But the owner of the croc says, "No worries, mate, watch this." Picking up a bottle, he smashes it over the croc's head. No reaction, other than a wag of the head. The bloke then gets his cock out and puts it in the croc's mouth, but again the croc just wags its head. Then a fellow punter asks if he can try it.

"Help yourself, mate," says the owner.

The punter proceeds to smash a bottle over the croc's head and then put his cock in its mouth. The croc just gives its usual response. Word spreads and several blokes try it. Then an old biddy walks up for a go.

"Can I just make one request, though?" she asks the owner.

"Ask away, " he replies.

"Don't hit me so hard with the bottle."

[Guest RantinRob]

bwa ha ha haa!!!

[Guest RantinRob]

A child psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "We all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mother, "You are obsessed with money. You've called your daughter Penny He turned to the third mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

The fourth mother takes her little boy by the hand and whispers "Come on, Dick, we're leaving".

[Designer1]

A teacher asks a group of ten year olds to tell a story to the rest of the class that has a moral.

Little Johnny (the rough kid in the class) get's up and says "Well miss, my grandad was in the war and one day he was caught on the german side of the trenches and he only had a bottle of whiskey and his big knife. He drank the bottle of whiskey and then killed about a hundred germans and then after that his mates rescued him"

The teacher, looking puzzled says "Oh, that's really great Johnny, a bit violent but really great. But what was the moral"

Johnny looks up and without skipping a beat says...

"Never, ever F**k with my grandad when he's pi$$ed!!"

Ithankyou!!!

[Guest RantinRob]

Nice one.........BTW - what the **** is your avatar????

[Guest]

Good one Designer1

And Rob, that is the villain from the movie 'Ichi The Killer'

[Designer1]

Indeed it is Mr Kakahara himself. Top movie if you like extreme (and I really do mean extreme) violence and a nicely twisted story.

[Guest RantinRob]

Looks like a woman with a beard

[Designer1]

A piano player goes to an audition at a very prestigious Jazz club. They are looking for an ultra talented musician and he thinks he fits the bill. He goes into the audition and is met by Dave the bandleader who asks the pianist to play something that he has written himself.

The pianist says "OK, this is called your F***ing mother is a F***ing whore and you are a F***ing w***er!. By the F***ing way, I've got F***ing tourette syndrome"

The bandleader is stunned, however as soon as the pianist starts to play the tune all is forgotten as it's the greatest thing he has ever heard.

"What about another one?" asks Dave

"OK, this one is called "You are such a word removed and every F***ing body in the whole F***ing world hates you, you F***ing F***!"

Again, the tune is absolutely amazing. The bandleader gives the job to the pianist and his first gig is the following night.

The following night the bandleader comes up to the pianist and says "Right, you are on tonight with Rita, she is our new singer" he points over to a stunning blonde bombshell in a skimpy dress who is unbelievably sexy.

"O F***ing K" says the Pianist!

During the first number of the set, the pianist cannot stop looking at the blonde singer and in particular her rather fantastic set (that's tits to those from Dudley!) and eventually he gets a rather uncomfortably large erection which he tries desperatly to conceal.

After the first few numbers he is almost at bursting point so he decides that during the break he must go for a J.Arthur in the toilets.

Just as he has reached the point of no return in the toilets during the break he hears a voice saying "Oi, you've got to get back on stage now. It's time to finish the set!"

He rushes out from the toilet and slumps back onto his seat at the piano feeling rather less amorous as before. Just then the guitarist comes over to him and whispers "Hey, do you know your knob is hanging out and it's got jizz all over the end?"

To which our friendly pianist replies...

"You hum the F***er mate, and I'll play the word removed!!!!"

Ithankyou!!!

[dont_do_it_doug.]

After marrying a younger woman, a middle-aged man finds that no matter what he does in the sack, she never achieves orgasm. So he visits his doctor for advice.

"Maybe fantasy is the solution," says the doctor. "Why not hire a strapping young man and, while you two are making love, have him wave a towel over you?"

The doctor smiles. "Make sure he's totally naked - that way your wife can fantasise her way to a full-blown orgasm."

Optimistic, he returns home and hires a handsome young escort. But it's no use: even when the stud stands naked, waving the towel, the wife remains unsatisfied. Perplexed, the man returns to his doctor.

"Try reversing it for a while," says the quack. "Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." And so he returns home to try again - this time, waving the towel as the same escort pumps away enthusiastically. Soon, the wife has an enormous, screaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel and taps the young man on the shoulder. "You see?" he shouts triumphantly.......

"That's how you wave a bloody towel."

[mark.c]

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Scouser all arrived at

their hotel to find there had been a mix-up with the

bookings, and that there was only one room left for

them to share.

The manager explained that this room only had two

beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm

which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one

of them sleep in free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere

else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the

barn.

The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to

sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the

door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but

there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I

feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."

"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there

instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the

Scouser and the Jew to share the room.

They were just settling down to sleep, when there was

a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he

said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm

a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn

with it."

The Scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and

stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu

to share the room.

The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to

sleep, when there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig.

[theboyangel]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself

off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door

and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup

of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[Guest RantinRob]

bwahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

[Designer1]

So this Bloose fan walks (ambles?) into a pub and says "Were gonna win the premiership this season".......