gregavfc Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 to be honest kalim i dont want anything to do with all the shit hes been posting. i apologise on his behalf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 You don't need to appologise mate for someone else's immaturity, u did nothing wrong. Anyway, whats your avator about?! looks like something out of pirates of the caribbean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 it's jesus lol. i had to cut it down because it wouldn't fit. the whole picture is funny though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Back to the jokes: An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the . The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m*sturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the . The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop j*rking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Back to the jokes: An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!'' that ones been on here before i think Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the . The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m*sturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the . The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop j*rking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. and that one i think Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him. The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I love you so much." The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 CHILD: Dad, where did I come from? DAD: Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!.. Listen...Dad and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, mom did some downloads from dad's memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, we discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared. CHILD: Huh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 The one about Jim's 3 girlfriends; brilliant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 On a warm summer evening, a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was hot and thirsty and said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore and he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump up for the fly and I will catch the fish and eat it." A hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Mmm" he thought,"If that fly goes down three inches, the fish will jump up for it, the bear will expose himself and grab the fish and then I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch." Now, you are probably thinking that this is enough activity for one bank of a lake but there was more. A mouse was by the hunters foot and he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches, the fish will jump up, the bear will grab it, the hunter will then shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich and I'll have a decent lunch." Lurking in a bush, was a cat and he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches the fish will jump up, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his sandwich , the mouse will make off with the sandwich and then I can have the mouse for lunch." The poor fly is so hot and dry that he drops down for the cooling mist of the water...the fish swallows the fly...the bear grabs the fish...the hunter shoots the bear...the mouse grabs the sandwich...the cat leaps for the mouse...the mouse ducks...the cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is..... Whenever a fly goes down three inches..... Some pussy is probably in danger!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 SHEER class :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 They're all great, that last one especially! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 You're just an easily pleased joke-slut Matty :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 There was these newly weds that were both virgins and nervous about the wedding night. Finally when it came the wife took off all of her clothes and went under the covers while her husband took off his clothes one by one. First he took off his socks and his toes were messed up. His wife says "what happened to your toes?" He says "I had toelio". She says "you mean Polio", but he said, "no, toelio". Then he takes off his pants and the wife sees that his knees are all banged up and weird. The wife says "what happened to your knees?" He says "I had Kneaseles". And she says "you mean Measles" and he says "no, Kneaseles". Finally he took off his underwear and she says "Let me guess...small cox?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt, I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk with my mouth full." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 19, 2004 Share Posted June 19, 2004 There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish. The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish. It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 19, 2004 Share Posted June 19, 2004 What does a Birmingham City do wen they win the Premiership? He turns off his playsation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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