WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[mattavfc]

Dunno if anyone reads these anymore, but hey:

15 things to do in Sainsbury's:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' trolley when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in houseware to go

off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the female toilets.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 10

at Pharmacy" ... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on hold.

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the houseware and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When an assistant asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you >pick your nose.

10. While handling knives in the kitchen ware department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from >Mission Impossible.

12. In the car accessory department practice your Madonna look using

different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through shout, "PICK >ME! PICK ME!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal

position and scream, " NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly...."Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"

[Richard]

One for all our Scottish viewers:

"It is just before Scotland v England at the next World Cup Group game.

Rooney goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Rooney goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Rooney 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from ! the Stadium "England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McSh*te 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!

"No, No, I have, I've let you down.......... I got sent off after 12 minutes "

[Guest RantinRob]

^^^^^

**** hell, did you have to brush the cobwebs off that one?

[Richard]

I thought an England based footballing joke might cheer up the masses on this bad day :wink:

Obviuosly I was wrong

[Richard]

If Saddam Hussein gets the death penalty, do you think they'll ask Beckham to take it?

[Jon]

If Saddam Hussein gets the death penalty, do you think they'll ask Beckham to take it?

nice one Dickie.

He'll likely have Beckham, Darius, Southgate & Batty all queing up and failing miserably to successfully execute the f*cker

[Dale]

On a warm summer evening, a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was hot and thirsty and said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore and he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump up for the fly and I will catch the fish and eat it."

A hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Mmm" he thought,"If that fly goes down three inches, the fish will jump up for it, the bear will expose himself and grab the fish and then I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you are probably thinking that this is enough activity for one bank of a lake but there was more.

A mouse was by the hunters foot and he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches, the fish will jump up, the bear will grab it, the hunter will then shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich and I'll have a decent lunch."

Lurking in a bush, was a cat and he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches the fish will jump up, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his sandwich , the mouse will make off with the sandwich and then I can have the mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is so hot and dry that he drops down for the cooling mist of the water...the fish swallows the fly...the bear grabs the fish...the hunter shoots the bear...the mouse grabs the sandwich...the cat leaps for the mouse...the mouse ducks...the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is.....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches.....

Some pussy is probably in danger!!

Forget the three inches I prefre the moral...

When the fly goes down.

The pussy always ends up getting wet!

[smudge]

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!

[JohnCresswell]

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

[JohnCresswell]

What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school?

Not only have you let me down, you've let yourself down, and you've let the whole school down!

What do pelicans eat?

Anything that fits the bill.

What lottery did the broom win?

The sweepstakes.

What is lemonade?

When you help an old lemon across the street.

What is blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

[Guest RantinRob]

Oh dear..................

[Dale]

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

That one was quite amusing.

[JohnCresswell]

QUITE?!!!!

They are all fantastic.

[Dale]

John lets face facts you are fantastic! you run the best Villa site on the net and you have a sense of humour its so refreshing.

[Dale]

A blonde is concerned about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

[JohnCresswell]

John lets face facts you are fantastic! you run the best Villa site on the net and you have a sense of humour its so refreshing

That is more like it.

[Dale]

Well John it is a joke thread :wink:

[JohnCresswell]

[Dale]

Just kidding you Rabbit you are a true legend. (if you butter up the mods your life can only be good!)

And another joke for you:

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at the office.

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

[Dale]

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to standard since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.

She immediately jumped up and ran to the standard section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New

York."