WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[maqroll]

"I've always been around paper. My parents owned a paper shop, didn't they?, yeah, until it blew away."

[rjw63]

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to the local hardware store can turn out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their beautiful boobies almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another hardware store.

You agree and they both climb in the passenger seat, one sitting on the other's lap.

On the way, they start kissing each other... then one of them turns to you to perform something nasty... while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 24th, 25th, 26th, twice on the 28th, on the 29th, 30th, April 1st, 2nd today and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

[shortshadyuk]

I was working on an IT project and it needed a new password

i put in "MYCOCK" as the password

it said "Sorry thats not long enough" lol

[nrogers]

A young girl wanted to go to a James Blunt concert, so she asked her Dad if she could go. He replied you can go when you suck my dick... The girl was digusted but, she wanted to go sooo badly that she agreed.

So she went down on him, took him in her mouth, tasted and spat is out, saying "Dad, your dick tastes like shit!"

Her Dad responded with "I know love, your brother wanted to borrow the car."

[maqroll]

A young girl wanted to go to a James Blunt concert, so she asked her Dad if she could go. He replied you can go when you suck my dick... The girl was digusted but, she wanted to go sooo badly that she agreed.

So she went down on him, took him in her mouth, tasted and spat is out, saying "Dad, your dick tastes like shit!"

Her Dad responded with "I know love, your brother wanted to borrow the car."

ugh....

[Olejniker]

^^I didn't get that joke at all. I've got one:

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

[Olejniker]

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "Where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "They're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "Where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "They're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?" The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

[Olejniker]

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her friend about her and her mother's conversation.

Her friend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

[Olejniker]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

[BOF]

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to the local hardware store can turn out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their beautiful boobies almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another hardware store.

You agree and they both climb in the passenger seat, one sitting on the other's lap.

On the way, they start kissing each other... then one of them turns to you to perform something nasty... while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 24th, 25th, 26th, twice on the 28th, on the 29th, 30th, April 1st, 2nd today and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

I like it And I'm not convinced that it's not a true story

[Ikantcpell]

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Ikantcpell]

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead. She says, “What the heck is going on up here? We're having a grand time downstairs!”

One of the blondes looks up and says, “Yeah, but you've got a driver!”

[Ikantcpell]

An elderly couple named Sam and Helen are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots and seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looks again and again says, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat."

[rjw63]

^^^

[Chindie]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend: "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."

His friend replies: "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I never found her head."

[Juju]

Proof that dogs are a mans best friend.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of a car for an hour.

When you open it, which ones pleased to see you?

[leemond2008]

what is the stupidest animal in the jungle?????????????????

a pola bear

[rjw63]

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "I opened a can of peas instead."

[rjw63]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't! Worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said: "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

[rjw63]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?". She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have vagina" "Yes" she says. The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours!".