WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Condimentalist]

That's a good sig you got there Pelle. :winkold:

[victie1]

Please read thru this....it's worth it!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on you way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners with great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.

If the contestant answers 'yes' he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification.

If their partner answers those same 3 questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: Hey! This is Ed on FOX FM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.

DJ: Great. Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your first name please?

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you. Now what is your wife's first name?

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian. Is she at work?

Brian (laughing) Yes , she is at work.

DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?

Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.

DJ: Thats the boy, Brian!

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well?

DJ: Question 2 - How long did it last?

Brian: About ten minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh! No one would ever have said that if a trip was not at stake.

Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

DJ: Okay, final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I well.....

DJ: This sounds good, Brian, Where was it at?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks....

DJ: Uh huh.

Brian: and the Mother in law was in the shower at the time.

DJ: Thats the boy, Brian!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.

(3 minutes of commercials follow)

DJ: Okay audience, lets call Sara, shall we (Touch tones ringing)

Clerk: Hello.

DJ: Hey, is Sara there?

Clerk: This is Sara.

DJ: Sara, this is Ed on FOX FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian.

Sara: (laughing) oh ok?

DJ: Well, He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo... do you know the rules of Mate Match?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian (laughing).

Sara (laughing) Brian what the hell are you up to?

Brian: Just answer the questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.

DJ: Yeah, yeah Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brians answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: Ok.

DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?

Sara: Oh God Brian..........uh, this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: Around 8 this morning.

DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?

Sara: 12, 15 minutes maybe.

DJ: Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?

Sara: Yes.

DJ: Where did you have it?

Sara: OH MY GOD BRIAN! You did not tell them that did you?

Brian: Just tell them honey.

DJ: Come on Sara.... were running out of time?

Sara: Well.....

DJ: Come on Sara.... where did you have it?

Sara: Up the ar$e.

After a long pause, the DJ said, Folks, we need to take a station break.

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!!!!!!!

[LancsVillan]

Just in case you're stuck for what to write in your Valentines day

card........

I thought I'd help you along a little (some are for the lads and some

are for the lasses)

1. Thought that I could love no other

That is until I met your brother.

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

empty and so is your head.

3. Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your

face

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you,

because I was pissed.

5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you

screwed up my life

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming

10. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

11. My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe "go to hell"

12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[villadude]

Bloke walks into his lounge carrying a lamb under his arm

His missus is sat there open mouthed ...

Bloke says "this is the pig I've been ****"

Missus says "that's not a pig, it's a lamb"

Bloke says "I wasn't talking to you" !

[Pelle]

That one was brilliant, Victie. :lol: Absolutely brilliant. And one can't stop wonder if they got their well deserved prize.

[victie1]

That one was brilliant, Victie. :lol: Absolutely brilliant. And one can't stop wonder if they got their well deserved prize.

I think he already had his

So much better than celebrity Tarzan on Chris Moyles!!

[Derryvillan]

A guy joins the french foreign legion.

After about a month,hes frustrated at whacking off so at parade one morning asks the legionairre next to him how far the nearest town is.

Gets told its miles away.

Another week passes and he cant take it anymore.

Tells the other legionairre as much and that hes desperate.

Hes informed that any night except Sunday to use the water barrel next to the horses after 10 o'clock.

About half 10 that evening gets up sneaks over to the barrel and round the back finds a hole.

Whips it out,inserts and has about 15 minutes of what feels like the best b10w j0b ever.

Goes back to his tent for a great nights sleep.

Next morning at parade thanks his mate for the info.

Asks him can he do that every night.

"Every night except Sunday"

"Why cos its the sabbath"?

"NO,COS ITS YOUR NIGHT IN THE BARREL"!

[Jimzk5]

bloke joins the army and gets sent over to iraq.

after a few weeks his desperate for a shag, so he asks the other troops what they do for sex, one of them looks at him and points at a cammel.

after thinking for another few days he gets so desperate he decided to give it a go, he goes over to the cammel and starts **** it, a fellow troop walks out of a tent and says

"that unusual, all the other lads just ride the cammel into the brothel in town"

[sheriffvilla]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset ~ I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths you will understand that we are in the same situation,

although with one small difference.

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

[sheriffvilla]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "Its a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the

questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

[victie1]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[Demitri_C]

thats great victie where do u get your jokes from

[kingphil]

Bloke wakes up with a stinking hangover after a heavy night on the Guinness.

As he enters the kitchen, he hears the sound of the frying pan, and thinks to himself what a wonderful wife he has, as she is cooking him breakfast.

The smell isn’t that of bacon, but of something burning, with black smoke coming off the stove.

‘What the feck are you doing’ he exclaims to his wife, as he sees a pair of his socks smouldering in the pan.

‘Exactly what you asked me to do last night’ the wife replied – ‘Cook my socks’ !!!!

[kingphil]

Sol Campbell has apparently expressed an interest in signing for Charlton.

The interest has arisen due to last weeks goal scorers being Young & Bent

[victie1]

thats great victie where do u get your jokes from

The joys of email at work pal

[victie1]

Jim and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have ... (keep reading)

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."

"How soon can I go home?"

[ChrisVillan]

[victie1]

This is a picture of a horrible highway accident in Germany. The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you.

If you look closely you can see what appear to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage.

Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.

My friend stayed on the scene to help and even though he performed

mouth to mouth on quite a few of them, none apparently survived

Rumours that NV was this friend and stayed performing mouth to mouth for too long before going to work and designing the Spurs Kit are totally unfounded too

[TRL]

Holy shit :shock: blasphemy

[Simon_Jones]

BE WARNED!

I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me at Tesco in Springburn and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car As you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, Again on Saturday, and also yesterday