WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Jimzk5]

a vicar knocks on a door to speak to the parents of there child who has been at sunday school.

the father opens the door.

vicar- "ive heard little johnny swearing in church"

father- **** sake, its the family next door, ive told johnny not to go and play round there but he wont **** listen.

vicar- "okay, ill ask them about it"

runs round the neighbours and knocks on the door, a woman answers

vicar- "ive heard the next door neighbours child johnny swearing in church, they said its your fault"

woman" sorry father, i dont know what there talking about, anyway, would you like to come in for a cup of tea?"

vicar- "na id better **** off ive got service to do"

[villafan306]

The following stories are true:

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

[LancsVillan]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far arse kissing will take you.

A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+18+5+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 131%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,

and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Arse kissing that will take you to the top.

[LancsVillan]

reports just coming in that a dwarf has stabbed someone at the psychics convention.

the police are looking a Small Medium at Large

[sheriffvilla]

A Posh Hotel holds 3 weddings on the same day and at the end of the night, the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of Beers.

One questions the other two, "listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... DO IT ???

Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on. Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first nights marital goings

on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us.

"No you're right" . What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it", offers another groom.

They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart. The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who

can barely stagger across the room to their tables.

The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order,

"Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".

The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess. The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast"

The waitress gets to the last groom. "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit. Whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor schlong must be. Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. Why, that's an awful lot" "Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is."

She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again...

"And by the way love, can you make two of those Brown ?"

[Guest RantinRob]

Bahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

[victie1]

Freddie Mercury, Versace and The Queen Mother arrive at the Pearly

gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they

each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some

mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful

music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade

everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to

be"

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll

completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the

cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you

will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"

The Queen Mother doesn't say a word. Instead she lifts up her skirt

and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into

her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over

the floor.

"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter

"Hold on a fxxxxxx minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"

"Fxxx off Fred", says St Peter, "you know the rules. A royal flush

always beats a pair of Queens...."

[villab0y]

The offside rule (girls version)

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes, always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.

Understand it now?

[Guest RantinRob]

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?" The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

[nick76]

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

>

>Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

>astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They

>seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in

>his shorts."

>

>Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny

>Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to

>use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

>

>Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen

>Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

>

>Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World

>Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he

>wished he had a hard on now."

>

>Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on

>This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed

>last night."

>

>'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's

>formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what

>he sees."

>

>Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well

>Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

>

>Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire

>match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands

>he just tossed it off."

>

>Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's

>nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

>

>James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What

>does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

>

>Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today

>after a 69."

>

>The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath

>away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

>

>Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big

>race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about

>coming from different positions."

>

>Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live

>said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

>

>A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed

>and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that

>eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave

>the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

>

>US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is

>playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his

>balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

>

>Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven

>Dicks on the field."

>

>Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that

>nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the

>Oxford crew."

>

>Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I

>once rode her mother."

>

>New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl

>Gibson comes inside of him."

>

>Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from

>Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

[LancsVillan]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were

swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that

inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to

Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I

wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo

and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by

his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark

boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away

whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new

menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he

thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and

behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his

friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a

prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see

his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to

the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he

set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral

gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,

"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the

enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've

changed.".........

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> .... "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian

[Demitri_C]

lancs that is terrible, i think that can be a contender for worst joke in this thread

[sheriffvilla]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we

started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to

swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants

for breakfast.

"Oh, sh*t mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got

up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do

YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be **** Coco Pops."

[ChrisVillan]

Oldie but a goodie Sheriff!

[b23avfc]

i´m a prawn again... hahahaha classic, cheesy but classic. They moan about the groaners but smile nevertheless!.

[andy_666]

What do the starship enterprise and a loo roll have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Cling-ons

[Guest RantinRob]

Oh dear, a Cresswell Special!

[LancsVillan]

Some of you can probably identify with this already!!!!

A very elderly gentleman - in his mid nineties, walked into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He was exceedingly well dressed, smelling slightly of a good after shave, hair groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel - presenting a well looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is a well groomed, attractive looking lady in her mid eighties.

The gentleman walked over and sat next to her. He ordered a drink, took a sip, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

[marks61]

Duck walks into a pub and asks for a beer and a sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my

sandwich please?".

"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get

many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town....

The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to

him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just

brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good

money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus?" Yes, that place with the big tent?".

"Yeah"

"With all the animals?"

"Of Course"

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What the heck would they want with a plasterer?"

[villab0y]

. "What the heck would they want with a plasterer?"

Cant believe i didnt see that coming!!!!!!