NibblyPig Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Paris Hilton was bit by her pet monkey the other day Paris Hilton was tested for rabees and the monkey was testes for clymedia. Because of her new illness, doctors told Paris Hilton to get some rest... ... they ordered her just to stay out of bed for a week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was of breeding bulls.They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said "This Bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little farther and saw another pen with a sign that said: "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked farther and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You really COULD learn something from this one." THE HUSBAND LOOKED AT HER AND SAID, ' GO UP AND ASK HIM IF IT WAS WITH THE SAME COW." The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duncandares Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 If men wrote "Cosmopolitan" Q My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister. A Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue,this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some female cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don''t mention this aspect of his behavior. Q My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don''t mention this aspect of his behaviour. Q My husband doesn''t know where my clitoris is. A Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal. Q My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal. Q My husband has never given me an orgasm. A The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don''t forget to cook him a delicious meal. Q How do I know if I''m ready for sex? A Ask your boyfriend. He''ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they''re not confused emotionally as women. It''s a proven fact. Q Should I have sex on the first date? A YES. Before if possible. Q What exactly happens during the act of sex? A Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway. Q How long should the sex act last? A There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he''ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don''t feel left out-while he''s gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Q What is "afterplay?" A After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift. Q Does the size of the penis matter? A Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover''s sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 whats pink and fluffy? pink fluff. ill get me coat....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish-villan Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves on one of the bedroom walls, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall. She's immediately touched by the amount of thought he's put into organizing the display. There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She finds it strange for a young man to have such a large collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. All the while she's thinking to herself ... This is wonderful! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could father my children!...etc. She turns to him...they kiss.. and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stewiek Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 What's yellow and powered by a 13 amp plug? George Best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish-villan Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Why do these jokes always involve an Irish man?????? Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight,Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. Shoite,Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face."Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "If i can just make it to me bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?" Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Condimentalist Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 That George Best joke was sick and inappropriate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheSufferingVilla Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Best fockin' laugh I've had in ages! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marks61 Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 That was sick and a little inappropriate. take no notice of him :evil: that was a cracker its the way ya tell em Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 most of us know that Liverpool airport has been renamed 'john Lennon' but did you know that a big sign greets you as you enter featuring a line from Lennon's most famous song ' imagine '...the sign says " above us only sky "......but because it's Liverpool, shouldn't they have used a different line from the same song......" imagine no possesions " !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villamark Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 They're not putting up Christmas lights in Vietnam this year......They're only hanging Glitter!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amsterdam_Neil_D Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 ^^^^ Good One Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheriffvilla Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started". Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"? The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger". Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax". "Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheriffvilla Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants he decided to call it a day when, an armless man approached him and said he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man ripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL".... The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to audition him, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name,"sighed the distraught bishop, but............." "HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 GARY GLITTER FACING THE FIRING SQUAD. HAVE YOU ANY LAST REQUESTS? YES. I'D LIKE PETER CROUCH TO SHOOT ME.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisVillan Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 2 fat blokes standing in a pub, 1 fat bloke looks at the other and says "your round" the 2cnd fat replies "so are you" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish-villan Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 how do you knock a clown off a swing??? Hit him in the face with a hachet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NibblyPig Posted November 24, 2005 Share Posted November 24, 2005 Crap one: A tortoise was mugged by a group of snails. When the police asked him what happened he said: "I don't know... it all happened so quickly" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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