Villaninireland Posted May 13, 2005 Share Posted May 13, 2005 A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah well, you started it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted May 13, 2005 Share Posted May 13, 2005 The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom "Kid's.... there's good news and bad news." "The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago" "The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NibblyPig Posted May 13, 2005 Share Posted May 13, 2005 The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom "Kid's.... there's good news and bad news." "The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago" "The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!" Gotta love that topical humour ligs (oh, that's right... this is in the Off-Topical section) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted May 13, 2005 Share Posted May 13, 2005 The old ones are the best ones, Monseuir Nibbles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trimandson Posted May 13, 2005 Share Posted May 13, 2005 With thanx to beta.org... What does DNA stand for? National dyslexic's association Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ED Posted May 14, 2005 Share Posted May 14, 2005 Oldie: A priest currently in the confession box has to go for a piss. So he asks the cleaner to fill in for him. "Whatever they say, just tell them to say 10 hail Marys, I'll be back in a minute". So the cleaner sits in the box, when an attractive woman comes along and confesses to having had anal sex. The cleaner thinks 10 hail marys are a bit of a let off for this woman, and that she deserves something more severe. So he leans out of the confessions box and asks the choir boy - "what does the Priest normally give for anal sex?" To which the kid replies, "normally just a packet of sweets". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villaninireland Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 NEWSFLASH Woman found dead in bath, filled with cornflakes and milk,bannana stuck in her pussy and rasins up her arse. Police suspect a cereal killer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villaninireland Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 Jacobs have releases a new biscuit called " Clitoris cremes" But be warned.... one lick and you will want to eat the whole box ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villaninireland Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you b*stards who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*stards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villaninireland Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 What are the similarities between a priest and a pint of Guinness? Both wear and black with white collars and a bad one will tear the hole out of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyShears Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Woman goes to the Doctor and says, "Doctor my vagina keeps singing". The Doctor replies, "Really? Can you tell what it's singing?" The woman says, "Yes, it sings 'Amarillo' all the time". The Doctor says, " It's OK every other word removed in Britain is singing that at the moment" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimmygreaves Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Q. Why are Pirates scoundrels? A. Because they AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NibblyPig Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 From the "pointless" thread... so good they have to be told twice Do you want to hear my joke without punchlines? (I didn't have time to write the punchlines) JOKE #1 What do you call a man with no teeth, no eyes and only one hair on his head? JOKE #2 Did you hear about the girl who just simply disappeared? JOKE #3 I was in a café down Chapel St yesterday and I ordered a latte. The waitress said she’d be back in a minute. She came back, in under a minute mind you, with a latte and she put down. I noticed there wasn’t any sugar so I asked the waitress for some sugar. She said she’d be back in a minute. She came back, with the sugar. I then felt like a biscuit... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 Woman goes to the Doctor and says, "Doctor my vagina keeps singing". The Doctor replies, "Really? Can you tell what it's singing?" The woman says, "Yes, it sings 'Amarillo' all the time". The Doctor says, " It's OK every other word removed in Britain is singing that at the moment" This is how you get to **** Amarillo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Rev Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 Woman goes to the Doctor and says, "Doctor my vagina keeps singing". The Doctor replies, "Really? Can you tell what it's singing?" The woman says, "Yes, it sings 'Amarillo' all the time". The Doctor says, " It's OK every other word removed in Britain is singing that at the moment" This is how you get to **** Amarillo whats that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Not my favourite version of this joke but I couldnt' be bothered to type it all out, so you can have this version instead, still pretty good. A young lad is totally into tractors. He subscribes to the latest magazines, he know the latest models etc. One day however, he sees a tractor kill a dog and he becomes less and less interested in tractors because every time he thinks of them he is reminded of the poor dog. 10 years pass and the lad (now a young man) walks into a bar with his girlfriend. Girlfriend : God I hate it when its so smoky in these places? The lad takes a deep breath and much to his girlfriends amazement he then proceeds to breathe in all the smoke in the bar. Girlfriend : Wow, how did you do that?? Young Man : Didn't you know that I'm an ex-tractor fan!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CBGB Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Q. Why are Pirates scoundrels? A. Because they AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR! How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced? - Buck-an-ear!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shillzz Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Not my favourite version of this joke but I couldnt' be bothered to type it all out, so you can have this version instead, still pretty good. A young lad is totally into tractors. He subscribes to the latest magazines, he know the latest models etc. One day however, he sees a tractor kill a dog and he becomes less and less interested in tractors because every time he thinks of them he is reminded of the poor dog. 10 years pass and the lad (now a young man) walks into a bar with his girlfriend. Girlfriend : God I hate it when its so smoky in these places? The lad takes a deep breath and much to his girlfriends amazement he then proceeds to breathe in all the smoke in the bar. Girlfriend : Wow, how did you do that?? Young Man : Didn't you know that I'm an ex-tractor fan!! Bow your head in shame young man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villaninireland Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been ****?" The fellow said "No", She said "You will be when the tide comes in" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 2, 2005 Moderator Share Posted June 2, 2005 some Peter Kay I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem? When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.' If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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