WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[LancsVillan]

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a

completely

different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to

have

sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENCE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let

the

children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance

apart

to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the

strained

carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even

though

they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do

everything we

say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you

scream

it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry

shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and

to

your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that

children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset

the

children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one

bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to

make

those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

[Villaninireland]

Undertaker to bereaved husband " When did you realise that your wife was dead ?" " Well" he replied "the sex was still the same but the dishes kept piling up "

[Villaninireland]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[bickster]

Whats the Difference between Arthur Scargill and Michael Jackson

Arthur Scargill hasn't had his hands on a miners helmet for 15 years

[Villaninireland]

What do the Pope and Prince Charles have in common ? They were both buried in musty old boxes last weekend.

[Villaninireland]

How do you know the new Popes German ? Because he's the first one out on the balcony with his towel.

[LancsVillan]

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon

her

return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you

ingrate! Why didn't you write to us? Not even a line to let us know

how

you were doing? Why didn't you call? Don't you know what you put your

Mum

through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a

prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! You little tramp!

Sinner!

You're a disgrace to

this family. I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur

coat,

title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account

certificate

for #5 million.

For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy, the spanking

new

Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a

lifetime

membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation

for

you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera

and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?" said Dad.

Girl crying again, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute Dad!..Sniff, sniff"

"Oh, be Jaysus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you

said a

Protestant!! Come here and give your old man a hug!"

[Villaninireland]

Lancs that is ace. Just sent it to everyone on my Irish mailing list.

[Villaninireland]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to

his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts,

"What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies,

"Gold, Silver and Bronze". "What colour are you going to wear

tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly.

> The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you

> came second for a change!!

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He

notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He

says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind

if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just

happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket

counter and this gorgeous brunette

with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead

of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said,

'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh' So she socked me a good one. "The

first guy replied, " Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue

twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to

say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I

accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat evil sl*g'."

The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a

remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection,he

noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish

Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir" is the nervous

reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir,

sometimes the men have .m-m-m....urges. That's why we have the camel,

sir." The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this,

but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month

later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.

Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to

his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it,

pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane s*x with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the Sergeant,

"Is that how the Irish do it?

"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies.

"They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

[Villaninireland]

Woman brings baby to the doctor because he is loosing weight. The doctor asks" Is he breast fed?" "Yes" she says. "Can I check your breasts" "Yes" she said. He fondled sucked and squeezed them and he says "No wonder he's loosing weight there's no milk in there" "I know I'm the granny"

[Villaninireland]

Alex Ferguson is one of the guests of honor at the Miss World Beauty

pageant. During the interval all the guests and contestants are mingling

over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by three of the most beautiful women

in the world.

Miss Venezuela pops the first question. "Sir Alex, I admire your

management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have

won." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers

the left strap of her dress and reveals her left breast and says, "Can

you autograph this please?" Sir Alex now bemused, duly obliges.

Miss Croatia pops the second question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you

play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them."

Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the

right strap of her dress and reveals her right breast and says, "Can you

autograph this please?" Sir Alex, again bemused, duly obliges.

Miss Argentina pops the third question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you

motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons." Sir

Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lifts up her dress

and reveals the fact she is wearing no underwear at all, and says, "Can

you please autograph this please." Sir Alex totally gobsmacked by now

says, "Hang on a minute love, no, no, no! Last time I signed an

Argentinean word removed it cost me £28 million!"

[duncandares]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

But just to show I'm not sexist

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked,"Mummy, are these my brains?"

Mum said, " Not yet honey".

[paddy]

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's already been told twice.

[wazzap24]

Here come the best 2 jokes in the world

1.

Bill, a former world champion weightlifter has fell on hard times and visits several building sites in the hope he can find some work as a labourer.

After a fruitless morning, he finally finds a foreman who has a vacancy.

The foreman agrees to give the guy a trial "ok mate, there's the hod, get that load of bricks upto the 1st floor"

"no problem" replies Bill and off he goes. He loads up the hod walks to the side of the building and hurls the hod in the air, all the bricks land on the first floor and the hod drops back into the arms of the weightlifter.

"bloody hell mate that was amazing" says the Foreman

"It was nothing" replies Bill and does exactly the same thing again except this time he lands all the bricks on the second floor.

The foreman has never seen anything like it, "it was nothing" says Bill again before, doing the same thing again except this time the bricks land on the 3rd floor.

"Just how far up can you throw that thing Bill?" asks the Foreman.

Bill loads up the hod again walks under the building and hurls the hod in the air with all his strength.

The bricks nor the hod return, Bill is amazed, "thats never happened before" he says to the foreman,

the Foreman reply's "Forget it you will cost me too much money"!!!!

[wazzap24]

Joke 2.

An old RAF pilot from WWII can no longer survive on his palrty state pension so in desperation he decides to sell his old fighter plane, given to him after the war for his valiant service.

He has kept the plane in perfect condition and knows it is worth quite a bit.

He places an advert in a aviation magazine and is soon contacted by an American businessman who collects wartime artifacts.

The American arranges a visit to England so he can view the plane. He is instantly taken by it and offers the old hero 500k for it.

As much as it pains him, the old man reluctantly agrees to the sale and the American writes out a cheque.

"before you take the plane I would love to take her up for one last flight, for old times sake".

The American is wary as the old timer doesn't look upto flying anymore but reluctantly agrees.

The old man climbs in starts her up and flies off into the distance.

The old man had told him he would be back withhin 1/2 an hour or so but 2 hours pass and still no sign of the old goat.

4 hours later just as the American is about to give up an go when he hears the sound of a plane coming over the horizon. The plane appears and to the Americans horror there is black smoke pouring from the plane. As it gets closer the American can see the plane is covered in dents and scratches, the old fella manages to land the plane with great difficulty in the middle of the field.

The American rushes over as the old man virtually falls out of the plane, "what happened" he yells in disbelief,

the old man can hardly talk but manages to tell his tale "I can't believe it, 50 missions during the war and not a scratch on her, I dodged every bullet and missile fired my way and now, I take her out for one last flight and I get hit by a flying hod of bricks"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Villaninireland]

ULTIMATE BLONDE JOKE.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied"It's square and it has your picture on it."The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the police woman.Here it is," she said.The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "It's ok you can go I didn't realise you were a cop"

[Guest]

Bwahahaha! Love that blonde joke!

[The_Rev]

What do Tony Blair and Wayne Rooney have in common?

They would both **** anything with a pension.

[ligs]

My house got burgled by a bunch of gays the other night - they broke in and rearranged all the furniture.

That's not olden, it's golden

[LJRM050389]

Why did the condom fly off?

Because it got pissed off