WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[paddy]

I've had loads of illnesses recently so I went to the doctors the other day and was listing my problems to him. He did some tests and I went back in the next week to get the results. He comes in and says "I think you're a hyperchondriac Mr. Smith". "Oh no" I said, "not that as well".

[mjmooney]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No - the **** gates!'

[rjw63]

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him. "No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me."

[rjw63]

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, Senor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod." "My prize thoroughbred is DEAD?" "Yes Senor Rod! He died from all that work pulling the water cart. "

"Are you insane?? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor." "Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??" "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!" "Yes, Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with one of your new tailor-made Super Quad 460 golf clubs."

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep **** shit!!"

[rjw63]

The train was quite crowded, and a US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Madam, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no-one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, madam, may I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window".

[wiganvillain]

Quality rjw Quality

[NulliSecundus]

LOL that last one is brilliant rjw

[Qwpzxjor1]

I heard a similar version of Rob's second from last joke :

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, well I have some good news and some bad news.

"What's the bad news?" he asked

"Well, I'm afraid that your parrot, he is dead" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, Senor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod." "My prize thoroughbred is DEAD?" "Yes Senor Rod! He died from all that work pulling the water cart. "

"Are you insane?? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor." "Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??" "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!" "Yes, Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"What funeral?!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod."

"My wife is dead?"

"I'm afraid she died of a heart attack after the letter came through that your home insurance expired last month"

"Well...what's the good news?" he asked.

"Well, you see... you'll like this.. it's excellent news.... all the heat from the fire and the increase in worm activity from the rotting corpse of your dead horse has made your tomato plant shoot up - it's gone up a foot in a week."

[acwilliams]

I saw a house on fire this morning. I rushed in and managed to pull three people out of the flames but couldn't save the family up the stairs. The firemen I pulled out weren't too happy.

[saturdaygig]

I remember when my old gran put lard all over my grandad's back.

He went downhill pretty fast after that.

[mark_bennett]

Two Jehovas Witnesses knock on the door of an elderly lady, she opens the door and asks who they are, they tell her that they are Jehovas witnesses and she lets them both inside. She tells them to take a seat on her sofa, and asked if they would like a cup of tea or coffee "Two teas would be nice please" came the reply, then she asked if they would like custard creams with their drinks "Oh yes please, that would be lovely", came the response. Five minutes later the old woman came back into the front room and placed the drinks and biscuits on the table , sat down and said "So what is it that you want to talk to me about?", and the first Jehova shrugs hers shoulders and says "We don't know , this is the furthest that we have ever got".

[villahero]

not only have Jonathon Ross and Russell Brand been suspended by the BBC....it now appears that they must be placed on the Sachs offenders register

[villab0y]

Dear Jonathan Ross,

I've Shagged your daughter,

Who's laughing now...?

Lots of love,

Gary Glitter x

[Qwpzxjor1]

After the recent tethering-on-the-edge-of-total-economic-and-financial-meltdown couple of weeks it seems economic systems and their workings have pushed their way into the need-to-know-category.

Well thanks to a friend from rural Ireland we can now simplify this all down to what makes sense and explain 21 economic models with cows. It is remarkable how much sense it all makes from this real world perspective ;-)

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh#t out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive...

[tonyh29]

Barack Obama arrives at the Pearly Gates and is greeted by Saint Peter:

"May I go in?" asks Obama.

"First I must ask you a few questions" answers the heavenly gatekeeper.

"O.K." replies Obama, "I'm pretty good at Q & A."

"Well," asks the saint, "What did you accomplish in your time on Earth to merit spending eternity in Paradise?"

"I was elected the first Black president of the United States of America!" Obama proudly declares.

"A Black president in America!" exclaims Saint Peter. "Hallelujah, when did this happen?"

"About 20 minutes ago!" Obama answers.

[Ikantcpell]

A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front of the little girl's screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer. “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life,” he says.

“Why, it was nothing,” the man says. “Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lion's den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.”

“I noticed a bible in your pocket -- are you a republican?” asked the journalist.

“Yes, and I'm a christian on my way to a bible study,” the man replies.

“Well, I'll make sure this act won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page,” he says before leaving.

The following morning the man buys a copy of the New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page:

“Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch"

[Ikantcpell]

A site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," the foreman announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" the foreman asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply

[rjw63]

A man says to his wife "Darling, what would you do if I said I'd won the lottery?" Wife replies "I'd take half and leave you" He says "Excellent! I got 3 numbers, here's a fiver... now **** off!"

[rjw63]

A class of five-year old school children return to the classroom after playing in the playground.

The teacher says to the first child "Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?" Becky replies "I have been playing in the sand box." "Very good," says the teacher "if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit." Becky duly goes and writes 's-a-n-d' on the blackboard. "Very good," says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says, "Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?" Freddie replies, "Playing with Becky in the sand box." "Very good," says the teacher, "if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit." Freddie duly goes and writes 'b-o-x' on the blackboard. "Very good," says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says, "Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?" "No," replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives."

"Oh dear," says the teacher, "that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit."

[Rodders]

A class of five-year old school children return to the classroom after playing in the playground.

The teacher says to the first child "Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?" Becky replies "I have been playing in the sand box." "Very good," says the teacher "if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit." Becky duly goes and writes 's-a-n-d' on the blackboard. "Very good," says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says, "Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?" Freddie replies, "Playing with Becky in the sand box." "Very good," says the teacher, "if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit." Freddie duly goes and writes 'b-o-x' on the blackboard. "Very good," says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says, "Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?" "No," replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives."

"Oh dear," says the teacher, "that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit."