WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Kalim_a]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?â€

Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.â€

Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!â€

His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?â€

“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’â€

[Kalim_a]

The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.â€

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can’t steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?

Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

[Kalim_a]

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

“Dear,†she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.â€

[Kalim_a]

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.

She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

[Kalim_a]

WOW, 100th page

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:

The brain said, “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.â€

The eyes said, “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.â€

The hands said, “Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.â€

The stomach said, “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.â€

The legs said, “Without me we wouldn’t be able to move anywhere. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.â€

Then the rectum said, “I think I should be in charge.â€

All the rest of the parts said, “YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don’t do anything! You’re not as important as we surely are! You can’t be in charge.â€

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn’t take any more of this shit and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story? You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge….you Just have to be an Asshole.

[Kalim_a]

After working together for some time Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other.

One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.

Dick finds Jane very difficult to 'enter', but finally succeeds.

When they are finished, Dick says to Jane, "If I had known that you were a Virgin, I would've taken more time!"

To which Jane replies,"If I'd known that you had more time, I would have taken off my Pantyhose!".

[Kalim_a]

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

[Kalim_a]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[Kalim_a]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,

"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".

"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".

"You gave birth to a child!".

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,

"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,

"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,

"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

[bedfordtel]

Here goes......

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing.

Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says

"Grandpa, can I have one of those?"

Grandpa says

"Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"

to which the little boy responds "No."

"Then you can't have one."

~

A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks,

"Can I have on of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"

to which the little boy responds "No."

"Then you can't have one."

~

Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food

and each buy a lottery ticket.

Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won £50,000"

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"

The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your

asshole?"

"Yes," Says grandpa.

"Then go **** yourself!"

[bedfordtel]

or.........

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her

students to use the word "fascinate"

in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to

my granddad's farm, and we saw his pet sheep.

It was fascinating."

~

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you

to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

~

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went

to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

~

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I

wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

~

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated

because she'd been burned by

Little Johnny before.

She finally decided that there was no way he could

damage the word "fascinate"

so she called on him.

~

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten

buttons, but her tits are so big that

she can only "fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried

[RuberyVilla]

A Villa fan Blues fan and a Jamaican are requested by a maternity ward to come in to identify their kids as there has been a mix up.

The Villa fan goes first and picks up the black child

The Jamaican father shouts "thats obviously my baby"

The Villa Fan replies " look mate one of them two is a Blues fan and i'm not taking any chances"

[AvfcRigo82]

Why can you never buy a cup of tea at St. Andrews?

...Because all the mugs are on there pitch and all the Cups are at Villa Park!

[villab0y]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude

woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,

when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single

gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a

hundred blazing summers and dismal winters,you have been given life

for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the

shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you

care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But

let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you

shit on its head ."

[LancsVillan]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way

they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said."I'm the

one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom.

MrCadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long

before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He

fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take

a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite

pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as

she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king

size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed a Time

Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did

a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her

a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had

been with Bertie Basset who apparently had Allsorts!!!

[drat01]

That's sweet Al

[Olejniker]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week

so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one

problem : the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand

how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look,

it's not the same hat!" or "Look he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was

furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,

drowning almost all who were onboard. The magician luckily found himself

on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would

have it, the **** parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went

on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days.

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and

said......

"OK, I give up. Where's the **** ship?"

[RuberyVilla]

Two women are drunk and whilst walking through a grave yard decide they need a wee,

The first woman uses her knickers to dry herself but the second woman uses a wreath,

The next day two men are sat in a pub

First man says…my missus came home last night without any knickers on

Second man says that’s nothing my missus came home with a card up her arse that read

“thanks for the memories all the lads from the fire brigadeâ€

[Danwichmann]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you

shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Jack.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Jack says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

Th e teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Jack replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the

wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

[stewiek2]

What's black, gay and pissed off?

Bernard Manning reincarnated