victie1 Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Guys I am sorry to have to tell you but I have been struck down with Bird Flu I know it def bird flu as I have started talking utter bollox, wearing make-up and I cannot park the fecking car!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grogan_Avfc Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed... and finds four Chinese men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 ^^^ muhahahahahaaaaaaa, like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grogan_Avfc Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 :-) :-) :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grogan_Avfc Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 a binman is on his usual shift when he comes across a house with no wheelie bin outside. so he walks up to the house and knocks the door. no-one answers so after a minute or so he knocks again. eventually a small japanese geezer opens the door, "harro" he smiles. "alright mate, wheres ya bin?" asks the binman, "i bin having piss" replies the japanese man. " no mate, wheres ya BIN?", " ok, i bin having poo" says the japanese guy. frustrated the binman shouts " no, wheres ya WHEELIE BIN", "ok i wheelie bin having wank" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Heard it but still funny. Even funnier if you imagine its Kalim :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grogan_Avfc Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 my last one... the public health guy enters a hospital on an inspection. he is given a tour by the manager when they come across a patient wanking. "oh my god, what is happening in there?" asks the inspector. "this man has a serious problem, his testicles create too much sperm and unless he masturbates 20 times a day his testicles will explode" replies the doctor. "oh i'm terribly sorry" says the inspector to the patient. they walk past another open door, where they see a man being given a blow job by a young nurse. "oh my god what is happening in there?" fumes the inspector, "same problem, but he's with BUPA... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted January 19, 2006 Moderator Share Posted January 19, 2006 A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “OK old fart, time for you to retire.” The old rooster replies, “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?” The young rooster says, “Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.” The old rooster says, “I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.” The young rooster laughs. “You know you don’t stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start.” The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, “Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month.” Moral of this story.... Don’t mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Pissed meself at this one............................. An eight year old boy comes home from school and says "Daddy! Daddy! What is the difference between a pussy and a word removed?". The dad says, "No, I can't tell you that! You're too young!" The son goes, "NO I'm not daddy! Please tell me." So the father says alright and takes the boy into the bedroom. When they walk into the room, the boys mother is fast asleep. So the dad pulls back the covers, and like always, the mother is lying there without any panties on. The father points in between her legs and says, "You see that? That's a pussy!" The son asks, "Oooo! Can I pet it?" The father replies, "NO! You'll wake up the word removed!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 :crylaugh: :crylaugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OutByEaster? Posted January 19, 2006 Moderator Share Posted January 19, 2006 I was in the garden yesterday with my step ladder. It's not my real ladder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 :crylaugh: :crylaugh: No probs mate! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrogers Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 2 Peanuts walking down the street One's Assaulted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gareth_barry's_left_foot Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 2 Peanuts walking down the street One's Assaulted Yeah yeah; the other's roasted huh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 you will probably have to read this again to undertans it, i did A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come >once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... " "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 a young girl sneeks her boyfriend in after a night out. They're heavy petting on the sofa when the lad asks if he can use the toilet. " no " says the girl " the toilet's upstairs and you'll wake my parents" the lad pleads " oh please, i'm desperate ". The girl sighs " no, look if you want to go, just do it in the kitchen sink ", so the lad scurries off. About a minute later, a call comes from the kitchen.... " have you got any bog roll ? " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Bahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grogan_Avfc Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 a brummie, cockney and scouser applied for a job in the army, on their first day the corporal told them they needed to show balls of steel and determination to kill ANYONE for their country. the corporal handed a gun to the brummie and told him to go kill his wife, off he goes but returns later and says he just couldnt do it. the corporal hands the gun to the cockney, but he couldnt do it either. so the corporal gives the gun to a scouser. the scouser returns later on and tells the corporal "some dope but blanks in the gun so i had to choke her to death instead." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted January 24, 2006 Share Posted January 24, 2006 I was in the garden yesterday with my step ladder. It's not my real ladder. the proper way to say that is i have a step ladder, my real ladder left home when i was 4 years old Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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