Stevo985 Posted January 26, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted January 26, 2009 ....and acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13! I dunno, is it slander? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heystally! Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 I'm only wondering because he was found innocent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 26, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted January 26, 2009 Probably is....though there is a lot worse in this thread Sorry for stealing your punchline Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heystally! Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Ha that's ok. It's a fairly obvious one. As is "Why did Jacko spread dairylea on his cock?....." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wol. Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 I used to like Michael Jackson. Now he's just a pale imitation of the man he used to be Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 to quote Jimmy carr.... " he couldn't have been more guilty if his house was made of sweets. IF i was a millionaire paedophile....i would definately have a funfair in my back garden " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVFCLaura Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Why did the H kill himself? Because the G had... (Loving Jimmy...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 As men age, we end up seeing more and more of the Medical establishment, which nowadays, has more and more women in it. For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is absolutely gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 When Madonna married Guy Ritchie she moved to London because she wanted to be more "English". She is now a single mother with 3 kids by 3 different fathers, one of whom is African. Job done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 A deaf mute man is working his way up in the Triads and finally gets the job of collecting "protection" money on a small patch in China Town. After a few weeks though he gets greedy and starts to cream off some of the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Triad bosses however soon realise that they are short by about £40,000 and send their best enforcer to sort it out. He finds the deaf mute collector and asks him where the money is, but they can't communicate so the enforcer drags the guy to one of the poor restaurant owners who he knew could use sign language. "Ask him where the money is." The restaurant owner signs to the man who'd been terrorising the neighbourhood for weeks "Where's the money?" The deaf mute replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the enforcer this, who immediately pulls out a gun and points in the collector's mouth. "NOW ask him where the money is." The terrified deaf-mute signs back, "The £40,000 is in deposit box 542 at Paddington Station and the key is in the glove compartment of my car." The restaurant owner says to the Triad, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger, and your mother is a prostitute who works the docks for little or no money." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis. "No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning. "I'm sorry,” he said, “but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick." On hearing this, his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage. "Well, just how sick are you?" he demanded. "Well," the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender: "I'm so pissed off!" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So, I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said: 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?" "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head: "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" said the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!" The bartender paled: "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on. "But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches from the ground!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 “I can’t find a cause for your illness,” the doctor said. “Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.” “In that case,” replied his patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyh29 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 apologies if this has been posted before but I found an old old Pst folder of mine where I'd kept all my funnies over the years ( the mans head going up a horses butt mpeg is still funny 8 years on :-) ) A Birmingham City fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Blues shirt. He knocks on the pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a Villa scarf. "Hello " says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Birmingham fans allowed in heaven." "WHAT?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Blues fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Blues supporter. "Oh really", says St Peter "What have you done, then?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St Peter "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the Boss." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now **** off". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Hahahahaaaa :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Rev Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 What's green and smells like yellow paint? Green paint. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swollef Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I got home and found the missus dead in the washing machine. I was really gutted.But at least she died in Comfort Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wol. Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Whats Brown and Sticky ? ANAL ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
usvilla Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 The wife & I were in bed watching "who wants to be a millionaire ?" i politely asked if she wanted sex - she said NO after a few minutes i asked again this time she didnt even turn around - just NO ! so i said well then i would like to use" my phone a friend" that was when the fight started ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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