rjw63 Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 When asked by the Austrian media if he had ever met Josef Fritzl's daughter Alice, the family's next door neighbour replied "Alice? Alice? Who the **** is Alice? For twenty four years I've been living next door to Alice?" can someone explain this to me You need tp know about the Fritzl case, and you need to have heard the Smokie/Chubby Brown record "Living Next Door To Alice", or you just wont get it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craigyh74 Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 Based on statistics the most common sexual position amongst married couples is the doggy style, The Husband sits & begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nath182 Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 A man is standing in the kitchen and he shouts to his wife "Come and have a look at this clock", the wife comes in to find her naked husband stood in the middle of the kitchen looking at his erect manhood. She says to him, "Thats not a clock." To which he replies "It will be with 2 hands and a face on it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 A man is standing in the kitchen and he shouts to his wife "Come and have a look at this clock", the wife comes in to find her naked husband stood in the middle of the kitchen looking at his erect manhood. She says to him, "Thats not a clock." To which he replies "It will be with 2 hands and a face on it." Can I borrow Rob's picture? :winkold: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Tom was invited to his friends' house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin and baby. When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, "I think its nice you still call your wife all those pet names." "To tell you the truth," his friend said, "I forgot her name about three years ago." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" "Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!" To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy - once a Navy man, always a Navy man!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 If you find you can keep your head, whilst others around you are losing theirs, you may want to land your helicopter somewhere else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 I was sitting on the settee watching a soppy film with my girlfriend. She was lying with her head in my lap. Overcome with emotion after the film, she said, "give me a kiss dear." I said, "if I could reach down that far to kiss you, why would I need you in the first place?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villafan1985 Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth." So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!" "Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "**** me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zak Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Last night my wife told me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt so i **** her 3 times and punched her in the face Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sithevillan7 Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 A young boy goes up to his dad and says "dad what is love juice?" His father says "I cant tell you son your too young." But the young boy starts to cry and refuses to stop unless his father tells him. His father replies "okay okay..erm well son when your older and you meet a nice girl and you love each other very much you begin to touch each other in erm..certain places and the wet stuff you come across whilst your doing it is love juice." The young boy looks bemused at his father and says "oh okay dad but..whats that got to do with tennis?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth." So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!" "Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "**** me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
limvillian Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 **NEWSFLASH** Gary Glitter has just attempted suicide by jumping into the sea........ However coastgaurds managed to find him bobbing up and down on a small buoy!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Seeing as Gary Glitter is in the news.................... A little girl was standing at the edge of the road looking off the cliff crying. A man drove by and saw the little girl and pulled over. He got out of his car and asked the little girl what was wrong. The little girl said "my parents" while pointing at the bottom of the cliff. The man looks over the cliff and sees a car in flames. The man turns to the little girl, unzips his fly and says "Well today isn't your day, is it?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realised he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant, and then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Three men were waiting at Dallas Airport for their respective flights. One was a lanky, brash, gum-chewing cowboy, one an elderly American Indian and the other a Fundamentalist Arab Student. They got into conversation but when it was known that the Arab student was a devout radical Muslim, all were quiet. "Three hundred years ago" said the Indian, "My people were many, and we roamed all over this vast land. Now we are few, and confined to reservations. I often wonder why." "Three hundred years ago" sneered the Muslim student, "Islam was unknown here. Now there are thousands of Muslims everywhere. Do you know why that is?" The cowboy stretched his legs out, pushed his Stetson to the back of his head and drawled, "Well, Ah guess that's because we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet - but Ah reckon it's 'comin!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet, which had a "Tested to British Safety Standards" sign on it. Underneath someone had scrawled: "So was the Titanic." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wol. Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Amy Winehouse's health is at risk due to her crack problem. Her doctors say that if she doesnt wash it soon, she'll get gangrene. -------- An English man, an American and an Arab were sitting in a bar talking about their families. The Englishman said, "I have 10 sons at home and if I had 1 more I'd have a FOOTBALL team." The American said, "I have 15 kids at home and if I had another I'd have an american FOOTBALL team." The Arab said, " I have 17 wives at home. If I had one more I would have a golf course!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her." "If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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