WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[BOF]

Aww crap

[rjw63]

Aww crap

[mjmooney]

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!! A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is wonderful news" screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am God." "But this is absolutely amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!"

"You look tired my son" said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?" "Oh yes" replied the bomber "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you".

The bomber sits down and God says "You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?" "Oh yes please" replies the bomber "I am most thirsty, thank you".

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts "Oi, Mohammed, two coffees over here and make it snappy!!"

"Fatwah for Mister Wardle!"

[Amsterdam_Neil_D]

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!! A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is wonderful news" screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am God." "But this is absolutely amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!"

"You look tired my son" said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?" "Oh yes" replied the bomber "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you".

The bomber sits down and God says "You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?" "Oh yes please" replies the bomber "I am most thirsty, thank you".

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts "Oi, Mohammed, two coffees over here and make it snappy!!"

"Fatwah for Mister Wardle!"

Got to say that is quality, real lol stuff.

[quaresma7]

Muslim goes up to heaven when St Peter asks him "Have you been good throughout your life?" The Muslim replies "Yes, I've given £5 to red nose, £1 to children in need and £1 to the homeless shelter". "Let me check with God" St Peter replies. About 5 minutes later St Peter returns back with £7 and says to the Muslim "God says here's your £7, now **** off!"

[rjw63]

A married Russian couple are walking through Red Square when the weather suddenly takes a turn for the worse: “Oh great,” sighs the woman, '”snow”. “That's not snow” protests her husband, “that's rain!'”

The two continue to disagree and the argument becomes quite heated. Just then, the man spots a communist friend walking on the other side of the street. He shouts to him, “Hey, Rudolph! Is it snowing or raining?” Rudolph looks up to the sky and without hesitation replies, “It's raining - definitely!”

As he moves on, the man smiles at his wife. “What are you looking so smug about?” she snaps, “that doesn't prove anything!” “Ah but it does,' says the man, 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

[villab0y]

Rob, have you been reading Drat's joke book?

[BOF]

I like it Rob, seasonal

[mjmooney]

“Ah but it does,' says the man, 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Right, that's it, gloves off....

Rod Stewart was doing a tour of Germany, and on one of his days off visited a local lunatic asylum as a charitable act. The ward sister showing him around told him that the inmates wanted to set him a challenge - he had to guess what their favourite hobby was. Looking around the ward, he noticed quite a few fishing nets, so he said "Fishing?" The lunatics were highly impressed by this and asked the sister how he knew. She immediately burst into song:

"Rod guessed, you Jerry mental men, net-loving you display..."

[BOF]

Oh deary me.

[TrentVilla]

We've reached a new low

[mjmooney]

We've reached a new low

I'm so proud.

[rjw63]

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins piling presents under the tree. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile, just stay for a while..." Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... please... stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... please... stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!

[rjw63]

Dear Santa...............

Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy.

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in burger flipping. How about I send you a **** book called a dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the Space Ranger, at least he can **** spell. Santa.

Dear Santa: I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and Joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah.

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa: I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy.

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a a shit house door when the plagues in town.. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who whines bleats and complains? It's time to give up that dream. You're getting Lego instead. Santa

Dear Santa: I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, an Action Man, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a mini bike. Love, Francis .

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're **** gay. Barbie dream house it is! Santa

Dear Santa: I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan .

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of Jack Daniels. Santa

Dear Santa: What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas .

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a ranch in California, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the arses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the roulette table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa: Do you see us when we're sleeping? Do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica.

Dear Jessica, Are you really that **** stupid? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa: I really, really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy.

Timmy, That horrible **** whining may work with your parents, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a **** pair of slippers.... again! Santa

Dearest Santa: We don't have a chimney in our house so how do you get in? Love, Marky.

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky"! That's why you're getting your arse kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a second floor council flat. Third, I get inside your place just like all the chav burglars do, through your fuckingbedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

[acwilliams]

How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride our bikes

[Olejniker]

The day finally arrives; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get Into Heaven.

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

Here is the First: What days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer."

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd....

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure." Forrest replied, "Everyone knows his name is Andy Howard".

"Andy Howard?!" exclaimed an exasperated St. Peter. "OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy Howard as the name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song and the prayer.

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME, I AM HIS OWN......

"OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN, HOWARD BE THY NAME"

St. Peter opened the gate and said: "Run, Forrest, Run"

[Juju]

The charity pantomime held for the benefit of the paranoid schizophrenics society decended into chaos last night, as someone from the audience shouted "He's behind you...."

[Juju]

The charity pantomime held for the benefit of the paranoid schizophrenics society decended into chaos last night, as someone from the audience shouted "He's behind you...."

[Olejniker]

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did!

What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...

And I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found out that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a"sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing...

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[BOF]

Imagine my joy when getting out the christmas decorations; I found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy