victie1 Posted February 17, 2006 Share Posted February 17, 2006 An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??" Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course." Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The Englishman listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??" Englishman: "Of Course." Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chukling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain." After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you make love in France?" Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk. Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course." Englishman: "We don't. In Britain, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted February 18, 2006 Share Posted February 18, 2006 real madrid anounce they are to play a friendly against birmingham city fc. as the real team arive at st.andrews the team begin to talk and come to conclusion that real madrid will be far to good for birmingham, so they decide to just let robinho play on his own against 11 bcfc players. so the rest of the real team nip down the local pub, after the match kicks off they put teletext on to see that Robinho has scored in the 12th minute on his own, happy they turn teletext off. at full time they put teletext on to see that the FT score was 1-1, with heskey scoring in the last minute for blues. of course the team were delighted for robinho so they head down to st.andrews to congratulate him, when they walk into the dressing room robinho is crying. the real manager asks him whats wrong Robinho says "i let you down lads, im sorry" beckham says "what! you scored against a premiership team on your own and got a draw" Robinho looks at the team and says "i know, but i got sent off after 14 minutes" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 How Nelson would have fared if he's been subject to modern health and safety regulations. You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Appeasement. Order the signal. Hardy. Aye, aye, sir. Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this? Sorry, sir? England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this? Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist. Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco. Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments. In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle. The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking. Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead. I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water. Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please. That won't be possible, sir. What? Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected. Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy. He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral. Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd. Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled. Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card. Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency. Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons. A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven't you seen the adverts? I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy. The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral. What? This is mutiny. It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks. Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish? Actually, sir, we're not. We're not? No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation. But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil. I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary. You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King. Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules. Don't tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash? As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment. What about sodomy? I believe it's to be encouraged sir. In that case – kiss me Hardy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stethegeez Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Person A: Have you ever been to a duck-do? Next person will probably be like, "Whats a duck do?" Quack quack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
will87 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 when do blues kick off? .....every ten minutes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 when do blues kick off? .....every ten minutes wasnt that a joke mark "i bum alan hanson" lawronson made about wolves when they were in the prem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 old man walks into a doctors surgery sits down and asks the women next to him "how old am i " "the woman says, i dont know, about 60?" the old man stands up and walks over to the receptionists window, and asks the same question "how old am i" the receptionist looks at him and says "i dunno, about 70"? the old man says, "no infact im 82" so the old man walks over to this old woman sitting in the corner, and asks the same question "how old am i"? the old woman looks at him, and begins to undo his zip on his trousers, she gets his cock out and starts playing with it, she starts to feel how much his balls way and after a while she puts the old mans cock in her mouth after a few minutes of playing with the old mans knob, she looks at him and says "i know how old you are, your 82 years old" the old man looks at the old woman amazed, and says "how did you know that" the old woman says "i heard you tell the receptionist" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted February 22, 2006 Moderator Share Posted February 22, 2006 fish swims into a wall "DAM" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 > The 1st Affair > > A married man was having an affair > with his secretary. > One day they went to her place > and made love all afternoon. > Exhausted, they fell asleep > and woke up at 8 PM. > The man hurriedly dressed > and told his lover to take his shoes > outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. > He put on his shoes and drove home. > "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. > "I can't lie to you," he replied, > "I'm having an affair with my secretary. > We had sex all afternoon." > She looked down at his shoes and said: > "You lying bastard! > You've been playing golf!" > ************************************** > > > The 2nd Affair > > A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters > but always talked about having a son. > They decided to try one last time > for the son they always wanted. > The wife got pregnant > and delivered a healthy baby boy. > The joyful father rushed to the nursery > to see his new son. > He was horrified > at the ugliest child he had ever seen. > He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. > Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! > Have you been fooling around behind my back?" > The wife smiled sweetly and replied: > "Not this time!" > *************************************** > > > The 3rd Affair > > A mortician was working late one night. > He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, > about to be cremated, > and made a startling discovery. > Schwartz had the largest private part > he had ever seen! > "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician > commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated > with such an impressive private part. > It must be saved for posterity." > So, he removed it, > stuffed it into his briefcase, > and took it home > "I have something to show > you won't believe," he said to his wife, > opening his briefcase. > "M y God!" the wife exclaimed, > "Schwartz is dead!" > ************************************ > > The 4th Affair > > A woman was in bed with her lover > when she heard her husband > opening the front door. > "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." > She rubbed baby oil all over him, > then dusted him with talcum powder. > "Don't move until I tell you," > she said, " pretend you're a statue." > "What's this?" the husband inquired > as he entered the room. > "Oh it's a statue," she replied, > "the Smiths bought one and I liked it > so I got one for us, too." > No more was said, > not even when they went to bed. > Around 2 AM the husband got up, > went to the kitchen and returned > with a sandwich and a beer. > "Here," he said to the statue, have this. > I stood like that for two days at the Smiths > and nobody offered me a damned thing." > ************************************** > > The 5th Affair > > A man walked into a cafe, > went to the bar and ordered a beer. > "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." > "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. > He glanced at the menu and asked: > "How much for a nice juicy steak > and a bottle of wine?" > "A nickel," the barman replied. > "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. > "Where's the guy who owns this place?" > The bartender replied: > "Upstairs, with my wife." > The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs > with your wife?" > The bartender replied: > "The same thing > I'm doing to his business down here." > *************************************** > > The 6th Affair > > Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. > He looked up and said weakly: > "I have something I must confess." > "There's no need to, " his wife replied. > "No," he insisted, > "I want to die in peace. > I slept with your sister, your best friend, > her best friend, and your mother!" > "I know," she replied, > " now just rest > and let the poison work." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 great stuff!!!! :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted February 23, 2006 Moderator Share Posted February 23, 2006 Knock Knock Whose There Alex who Alex explain later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, Stevie asks if anyone has a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes. When he finishes, the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord!" A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. But the little old man jumps up again. "No, no, no! Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" Now truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie invites him up on the stage and says, "Okay, you start us off." The little old man grabs the mike and starts to sing ... "A jazz chord, to say I ruv you .." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Actual call centre conversations Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?". Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours". +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?" Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please". Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?". Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?". Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too F£$king stupid to own a computer!!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grogan_Avfc Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 what do canaries get when they go to hospital? TWEETMENT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick76 Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 CNN BREAKING NEWS: In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands ...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussiedave Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Where do you go to weigh a whale ? A whale weigh station !!! :oops: ( another cracker for me eh lancs ?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingphil Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Jack & Jill are playing hide n seek. Jill says to Jack 'If you find me, I'll let you mess with my pussy, and **** me in the ass' Jill carries on 'If you can't find me - I'll be in the shed' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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