WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[drat01]

The inside always smells good at first but after a while it becomes musty and stale?

[NibblyPig]

After a while, nothing happens even when you put your foot down

[LancsVillan]

The differences between men and women

NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call

each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.

* If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to

each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in

£20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will

have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change

back.

* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

* A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,

shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A

man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

* Women love cats.

* Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,

answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about

dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite

foods, secretfears and hopes and dreams.

* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

* Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people

remembering the same thing.

[paddy]

CATS

* Women love cats.

* Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

So true, cats are shit

[LancsVillan]

Longtime married husband and wife, Harvey and Gladys were getting ready

for bed.

Gladys went and stood naked in front of her full-length mirror and took a

long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey," she commented sadly. "I stare into this mirror and I

see an ancient creature.

My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my

waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and ... my

bottom looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"

She turned to face her husband and said,

"Dear, please tell me just one lovely positive thing about my body so I

can feel better about myself."

Harvey studied Gladys critically for a moment and then said in a soft,

thoughtful voice,

"Well ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for Harvey will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at the First

Methodist Church...

( Obviously there was nothing wrong with Gladys' aim either ...)

[ChrisVillan]

Thanks for that Al, I've just pissed myself laughin at work and the entire office stared at me like some kind of special child!

[LancsVillan]

no wonder we've been miserable - PAGE 12!!!

A brave knight has to go off to fight in the Crusades and leaves his sexy wife at home.

As he can’t trust his wife to be left on her own, he fits her with a very special chastity belt made out of razor blades.

On his victorious return, he lines up all his male staff, and makes them drop their trousers. He is greeted by a whole line of shredded todgers, apart from one. He goes up to that man and said, ‘I trusted you and, unlike all the others, you have not betrayed my trust. In return I shall give you half my land.’

To which the man replies, ‘Ugg ou gery muk.’

[LancsVillan]

An Englishman, American, and Arabian were in a bar talking about their families. The Englishman said, ‘I have ten kids at home and if I had another one I would have a football team!’ ‘Well,’ says the American ‘I have 15 kids at home and if I had another one I would have a US football team!’ ‘Well,’ said the Arabic guy, ‘I have 17 wives at home.’ He paused, sipping at his drink. ‘If I had another one I would have a golf course.’

[LancsVillan]

Q. How can you tell when a mechanic just had sex?

A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?

A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They're called 'Predickamints'

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?

A. Nothing.

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?

A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?

A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?

A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?

A. Kermit's Finger

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?

A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?

A. Ten minutes of silence!

Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?

A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?

A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A: Lickalotopuss.

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?

A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Q. What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A. Pimp.

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A. Polaroids.

Q. Why are women are like tyres?

A. There's always a spare.

Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?

A. Beethoven's First Movement.

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?

A. A tran-sister.

Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

A. I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

Q. Why do women wear black underwear?

A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the petrol station?

A. Right before the petrol stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?

A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhoea?

A. A salad shooter

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

[LancsVillan]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[LancsVillan]

old one but still good

If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[JohnCresswell]

I went to a wedding the other day. It was really emotional. Even the wedding cake was in tiers.

---

I was sat at home the other day and there was a knock at the door.

"Hello" said the young boy, when I opened the door. "I'm collecting for the local swimming pool"

So I gave him a glass of water.

[Kalim_a]

RABBIT?!!?!

After lancs great effort you had to spoil it didn't you? :x :x :x

[paddy]

I went to a wedding the other day. It was really emotional. Even the wedding cak was in tiers

I remember you posting that one before, it's a classic though.

[Kalim_a]

What does John Cresswell look like?

Is it

a)

c)

OR

d)

[LancsVillan]

THIS ONE Kalim ;-)

[dont_do_it_doug.]

No man can compete with those feckin things. Me and a mate had a plan to blow up the factory, but we realised the loss of human life wasn't realy worth it over a few dildo's. I took the baraclava back the next day......

[villafan306]

Just looking back through the thread and noticed this one:

Aston Villa trying to sign Baros...................what a joke!

[Craigyh74]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel

dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has

breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out

the sand, several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what

looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie but this is no ordinary genie. He is

wearing a Senior Managers ID badge and a dull grey suit.

"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this" says the man. "I'm not going to trust a

Senior Manager."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks

like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this decides that the

genie is right.

"OK I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink

"***POOF** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever

seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of

delicacies. "

OK kid, what's your second wish"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams"

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled

with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK kid you have just one more

wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter

where I go beautiful women will want me and Need me"

**POOF*** He is turned into a Tampon.

The moral of the story? If a Senior Manager offers you anything,

there's going to be a string attached.

[LancsVillan]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."