LancsVillan Posted December 4, 2004 Moderator Share Posted December 4, 2004 A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport" "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any fecking Frenchmen to show it to!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bickster Posted December 4, 2004 Moderator Share Posted December 4, 2004 HeHe, good one Al! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted December 5, 2004 Moderator Share Posted December 5, 2004 A rich white man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its a*s! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthafucka who pushed me in the pool." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernvilla Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 ^^^^^^LMFAO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 7, 2004 Share Posted December 7, 2004 A wives tale: The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." Then I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted December 8, 2004 Share Posted December 8, 2004 that's class - makes it all the more funny cuz WE have a cuckoo clock too :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted December 8, 2004 Moderator Share Posted December 8, 2004 One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted December 8, 2004 Share Posted December 8, 2004 nice one AL. quality for so early on a weds morning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted December 8, 2004 Moderator Share Posted December 8, 2004 A young boy goes up to his dad and asks "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?" "Well son," says the boys father "ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, then come and tell me what you've learned." So the boy asks his mother and she says "Oh yes, I'd be crazy to pass up an opportunity like that." Then the boy asks his sister and she says "Brad Pitt? I'd sleep with him for free. The million pounds would be the icing on the cake." The boy mulls this over for a few days and then goes to see his father. "So son," says his father "what have you learned?" "Well, potentially we're sitting on two million quid but realistically we're living with a pair of slappers." "That's my boy!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted December 8, 2004 Share Posted December 8, 2004 ^^^^^ LMFAO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 8, 2004 Share Posted December 8, 2004 Brilliant LV! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CBGB Posted December 8, 2004 Share Posted December 8, 2004 Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies. ...Taxi! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted December 8, 2004 Share Posted December 8, 2004 Couple of nice topical jokes. Little Johnny has his birthday at the end of November. Well all through October and November he goes to bed each night and prays for a bicycle for his birthday. "Dear jesus please can I have that bike for my birthday, I've been ever such a good boy" Well the great day comes and he has his presents but finds he doesn't have a bike. He is devastated but quickly realises that Christmas is just around the corner so he has a second chance. That night he goes to bed and prays for a bike. About half way through his prayer he thinks "stuff this it didn't work last time it's hardly going to work this" So he walks around the house until he comes to the little statue of Mary that his mother keeps in the corner of the living room. He takes the statue and wraps it in a towel and then takes it to his bedroom where he puts it in a drawer. He goes to his bed and gets on his knees to speak to Jesus again "Dear Jesus, if you want to see your mother again get me a bike for Christmas" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted December 8, 2004 Share Posted December 8, 2004 Kate's mother takes her to one side just a couple of weeks before Christmas. "Kate" she says "This year mommy is going to give you an unusual present. This year Daddy and I are going to give you a baby brother. He will be coming some time over Christmas. Now Mommy is going to be in a lot of pain but it's worth it for what we will be given. I will put up with the pain" Well over Christmas the Mother goes into hospital and there's a lot of toing and frowing but eventually after many hours of labour she presents Kate with her baby brother. Well the next year as Christmas approaches Kate takes her mother to one side and says "Mommy last year you gave me a very special present but it caused you a lot of pain. This year, if it wont be too painful, can I have a pony" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted December 8, 2004 Share Posted December 8, 2004 Men have 3 stages to their life. 1. They believe in Santa 2. They dont believe in Santa 3. They ARE Santa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRL Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 How 2 get a blond a broken nose..... Put ur c**k under a glass table ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Go on, you asked for it, shite christmas jokes.... What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their victories in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer :roll: I think that would be an appropriate note to go to bed on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted December 9, 2004 Moderator Share Posted December 9, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shillzz Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 NEWSFLASH Welsh Discover new use for sheep. Wool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villaninireland Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 whats the peice of skin in between a womans arse & c*** for ? resting your chin on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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