WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Guest RantinRob]

^^^^ooooh you are awful, but I like you :-)

[Villaninireland]

Thought you would like it

[thomasgunn]

Dear IT Support,

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancé 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself. Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drains my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

[Designer1]

Quality mate.

[LancsVillan]

This was apparently in the Washington Post... the title of the article was

"Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male

resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public

indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on

Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to

stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one

around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone

interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked

out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in

it,and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident

embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a

Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience Until

officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"That was an unusual situation,that's for sure,"said officer Taylor." I

walked up to Lawrence and he's...just pumping away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I

just went up and said, "Excuse me sir , but do you realize that you're

having sex with a pumpkin?". "

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me

straight in the face and said, .... "A pumpkin? F*ck me, is it midnight

already?"

[thomasgunn]

lol

[LancsVillan]

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a

group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe

in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One

day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start

building a house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the

activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung

around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less

adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her,

let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her

little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope

containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to

her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the

bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the

cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her

'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men

building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house

again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said, "I think so. Provided those

c*nts at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks.

[Villaninireland]

What do you call a sleep walking nun ? A roamin catholic

[Guest RantinRob]

^^^where's Ellis The Tosser gone? :-)

[JohnCresswell]

I went to a wedding the other day. Was very emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.

[theboyangel]

very poor JC! ^^^^

anyway-

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the

newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She

thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day

and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and

the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no

hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,

waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as

she directed.

"Now take off my boots." Ever so slowly, he did as she asked.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them

neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her

eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was

told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly

pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into

town again, you're fired!!!"

[theboyangel]

Three Tests

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind

the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses

there must be thousands of dollars there...He approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then

you get all of the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender:"Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar

with the other bills...

Bartender: "Ok, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that

whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't

make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back

with a sore tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You got to make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't

do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get

crazier from there...

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat

teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it

with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not

make a face... Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into

the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body...

"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[Guest RantinRob]

^^^muhahahaha, superb!

[sparky]

ok heres my contribution :

Man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his trousers.

Barman says : 'Do you know youve got a steering wheel down your trousers?'

man replies : ' Yeah - its driving me nuts!'

[IainG]

Two big blokes in a pub.

One says "Your round"

The other replies "So are you, you fat bastard"

[LancsVillan]

Two big blokes in a pub.

One says "Your round"

The other replies "So are you, you fat bastard"

hey Risso he's talkng about us, you hold him

I'll go for the pies

[theboyangel]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a

pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to

buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged

crawler), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and

decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's

with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited

a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box:...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my f***ing shoes!."

[theboyangel]

some quotes from the edinburgh fringe festival

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be

sh*tting herself.

(Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance)

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I

was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me

to sleep at night.

(Susan Murray at the Underbelly)

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind

people were given pointed sticks?

(Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when

I Was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

(Susan Murray at the Underbelly)

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?

A: The ultrasound people.

(David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I

looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say

something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying

school.

(Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She

said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All

right, but we're not going to get much done."

(Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

(Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on

its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself

that they're enjoying it as well.

(Scott Capurro at the Pleasance)

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help

thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

(Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend t ells you,

because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite

flower?"

And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"

(Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and

punched someone in the face.

(Jeremy Limb, at the Trap)

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

(Jimmy Carr)

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have

botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look

shocked.

(Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance)

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought

the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

(Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the

Girl out of Cork ...

(Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco)

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.

Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

(Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".

The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go

join The circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want

with a plumber".

(Steven Alan Green at C34)

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a

winner and a loser at the same time.

(Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms)

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an

Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be

quiet.

(Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big

sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a

try... What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!

(Seymour Mace at Café Royal)

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've

already got one!"

(Norman Lovett at The Stand)

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

(Chris Addison at the Pleasance)

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not

religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this

phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed

going to church."

(Colin Ramone at The Stand)

50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.

(Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance)

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this

sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I

feel?"

(Arnold Brown at The Stand)

'Schindler's List' ... I got that out, thinking it was a porn movie.

Well ... the title's in German ... and it did feature a shower scene.

(Ricky Gervais at The Playhouse)

[theboyangel]

Subject: Medical breakthrough

A man went to an urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect.

The doctor checked him out, then told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. ; However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the

risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on

the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try

out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic

evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants

in town.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse..."

[Villaninireland]

what does a dwarf get when he runs between a womans legs ? A flap across the face n a clit around the ear