rjw63 Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ? At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThunderPower_14 Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 What do nine out of ten people enjoy? Gang rape. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted November 17, 2008 VT Supporter Share Posted November 17, 2008 What do nine out of ten people enjoy? Gang rape. Are you Gabby, are you gabby, are you gabby in disguise?... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 What do nine out of ten people enjoy? Gang rape. Are you Gabby, are you gabby, are you gabby in disguise?... :nod: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.) CIDER He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid. CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER He's poor / student and wants to get laid. IMPORTED BEER He's old, likes good beer and wants to get laid. GUINNESS The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another. WATER He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid. WINE He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid. VODKA OR BRANDY Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid. PORT Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid. WHISKY/JACK DANIELS He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid. JIM BEAM Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid. RUM OR TEQUILA Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid. ALCOPOPS - BACARDI BREEZER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 21, 2008 Moderator Share Posted November 21, 2008 GUINNESS The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another. It has a very different following in England obviously Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 ALCOPOPS - BACARDI BREEZER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change. I like my Smirnoff Ice and I aint no gay. :cry: Very funny stuff though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 21, 2008 Moderator Share Posted November 21, 2008 If I get really really manky drunk in a club I get the inexplicable urge to drink cranberry Archers. Sshhh don't tell anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
World_Domination Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 I drank pear cider with mixed berries and ice last friday, twice. :oops: right about the Guniess see alot of the moodies on it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your Mom's house today and I saw her in the hallway stark naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your Mom and she is good, the best ride I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your Mom liked it in the ass!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says... "Dad.......you're pissed again, **** off home!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 That last one is pure genius! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 A man comes home from the pub very late at night and very drunk, His wife says "OK smart arse, explain how you got the lipstick on your shirt." man reply's "**** easy, i used it to wipe my cock!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 There are three Giants walking round the Earth, The first one says "I cant see because the clouds are to thick," he then puts his hands down through the clouds to see where they are, "We're in Paris, i can feel the Eiffel Tower,"So they keep walking. an hour later he puts his hands through the clouds again and says "We're in Blackpool, i can feel the tower." They keep walking, 5 minuets later he puts his hands through the clouds again, and he says "We're in liverpool." the other 2 say how do you know that, He says "My watch has gone" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Had an accident? have you been injured at home, at work or on the roads? Have you tripped over? Have you hurt yourself? Serves you right you clumsy clearing in the woods! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted November 22, 2008 Share Posted November 22, 2008 What the difference between Marmaldae and Jam? You can't Marmalade your c**k up a girls a*se. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted November 22, 2008 Share Posted November 22, 2008 These are 30 things people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q. Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cizzler Posted November 22, 2008 Share Posted November 22, 2008 How do you get a fat girl into bed ? Piece of cake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Tubby walks into a pub and is surprised to see Paul McGrath sitting at the bar. Being a Villa fan he thinks he knows a perfect opening gambit to get talking to him. So he walks up next to him and says "Your round my Lord". Paul McGrath turns to him and says "you can talk you fat word removed" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts