WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[BOF]

One day a lady ranch owner decided she needed a helping hand and posted a job advert in the local paper. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,

"You've done a really good job and the ranch looks great.

You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However, one a.m. came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

He finally showed up around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow

sitting by the fireplace.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He did.

"Now take off my skirt." He did.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"Now," she said "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"Don't you EVER wear my clothes to town again!"

[rjw63]

^^^ **** hell thats an old 'un........but my version involves Lady Penelope and Parker

[Olejniker]

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.

As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course where the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said,

"This is all your fault! If it weren't for your feckin' bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[Sit_Down_Potato_Head]

What's blue, hangs from the ceiling and doesn't fit anymore ?

Ian Curtis.

[rjw63]

What do you call four cows and a blackbird?

The Spice Girls.

[rjw63]

A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight sleeper-train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here". "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.

"WOW!!! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "get your own **** blanket!".

There was a stunned silence.

Then he farted.

[rjw63]

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Birmingham and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh... yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the Gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of £35,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Aberdeen."

"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"

"No, that's where the end of the queue is!"

[Jimzk5]

if russia invaded turkey from the rear, would greece help?

[Juju]

if russia invaded turkey from the rear, would greece help?

Not if your Hungary.

[BOF]

if russia invaded turkey from the rear, would greece help?

Not if your Hungary.

In that case Mum's go to Iceland.

[kingphil]

If you have sex 365 times a year and you melted down all the condoms 2 make a tyre, what would you call it?

A **** Goodyear!

[kingphil]

The Big Bad Wolf told Little red riding hood lift your top so I can suck your tits.

No, she said while lifting her skirt, eat me like it says in the book!

[kingphil]

A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.

The cat said, a wet pussy always makes a cock happy!

[kingphil]

Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard!

[rjw63]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother: "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really, was it small?" Sally replied, "No... salty!"

[rjw63]

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'

[rjw63]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

[BOF]

This is long but brilliant

Long but worth while

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right **** number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a word removed!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'word removed' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a word removed!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "word removed" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said," Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a word removed!"

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first word removed (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover word removed, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."

"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a word removed!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called word removed #1.

"Hello?"

"You're a word removed!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Steve Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, word removed," and hung up.

Then I called word removed #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, word removed," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll do what?" I said.

"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

"Well, word removed, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street , Ilford.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street . I got there just in time to watch two words removed beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.

[BOF]

Oh jeez I've tears in my eyes

"Why men are not agony aunts"

*****

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Neville

[privateer]

That is absolute quality!!!