Guest RantinRob Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Karren Brady has been told she needs a bloodclot removed. So small heath are selling Heskey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pelle Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Now I've read all those 73 pages of good fun. I must be mad. Anyway, some really brilliant stuff in here. Don't know why I haven't read this thread before. A little surprised that this one hasn't come up yet but it's probably so old that it's really dead and burried in England and elsewhere. But here we go: It's Freddie Mercury meeting his maker just after he died. He comes up to him and God says "Well, Freddie, you didn't live that good a life so you should really go down to hell but your beautiful voice belong here in heaven. It's hard to tell what to do with you. Tell you what, to decide this I'll reincarnate you to give you a second chance to prove where you belong. And since I'm a big fan of you I let you decide yourself what to be reincarnated as" Freddie don't need to think too long before he answers: "I wanna be goalkeeper in Birmingham City!" "Birmingham?" says God, obviously surprised. "They're the worst football-team in the world. You won't win anything. Why them?" "Well", says Freddie "I don't really care about football but I'll have ten arses in front of me, thousands of dicks behind me and I can't catch a thing." Note: I'm a huge Queen-fan. And you're allowed to shoot me down for being antique if you like. :winkold: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pelle Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 This one is said to be true: It was some kind of celebrity party where both Marilyn Monroe and Einstein were invited. After a while Marliyn walks up to Ainstein for a little chat. After a while she says to him: "You and me really should have a child together. Imagine a child with your brain and my look!" "Yes," Einstein replied "as long as it don't go the other way..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gareth_barry's_left_foot Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 This guy was lonely, so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box:........... "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fu**ing shoes on." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Karren Brady has been told she needs a bloodclot removed. So small heath are selling Heskey Was gonna post that yesterday as it came through as a text on my mobile, Thought might get deleted though i see the mods do have a sense of humour!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hev Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 That one about the duck was great. Here's a similar one someone told me today when I told them the duck one:- Reminds me of the one where a chap goes into a bar, pulls a frog from his pocket and says to the landlord - if my frog can do a trick for you can I have a free beer. OK says the landlord. The chap puts the frog on the piano where he plays God save the Queen. Landlord is impressed and gives the chap his drink. Next day chap comes in again and says free drink for another trick. OK says the landlord. This time the man puts his frog on the bar and pulls a hamster from his pocket. The hamster then sings God save the Queen. The landlord is impressed and hands over the drink. A man standing nearby is impressed and offers £100 for the hamster. "Done" says the man and the exchange takes place. The landlord tells the man he's mad selling a singing hamster for £100. Don't worry said the man - the frog's a ventriloquist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 old mavis goes to see a spiritulist/medium as her husband Albert has been dead one year and she misses him terribly. The medium holds her hand and asks " is Albert with us ? " there comes a reply " yes, i am here "....Mavis is shocked " oh Albert, it's me Mavis, how are you dear, i miss you so much " ALBERT........hello love, i miss you too, but it 'aint so bad here on the other side MAVIS..........how come love, what are you up to ? ALBERT........well i do a lot of swimming for a start, it's great MAVIS.........really, because you hated water whilst we were together ALBERT........yes but as i said, it's different here on the other side....i fly a lot too you know !! MAVIS..........FLY ?...you never once went in the air whilst we were together...flying ? swimming ?...i don't understand !!! ALBERT........Mavis dear.....i can't really do owt else...i'm a **** duck !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 What is being explained? You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, Whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse has actually been thrown it would be plain wrong to be in front of the other shopper. Answer Now that's football's offside rule explained for girls and bearing in mind the world cup is coming soon I expect your full understanding and no questions during the game......PLEEEASE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Man City team news for the weekend; David James has been axed. Joey Barton said our kid didn't do it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bickster Posted February 3, 2006 Moderator Share Posted February 3, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Laughed out loud at that Bickster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bickster Posted February 3, 2006 Moderator Share Posted February 3, 2006 Laughed out loud at that Bickster glad to bring a smile on your face today Richard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pelle Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Laughed out loud at that Bickster Actually me too. But then again, I've been drinking som wine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trimandson Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Laughed out loud at that Bickster Actually me too. But then again, I've been drinking som wine. Only "som" wine, I'd suggest a little more then "som", possibly "sevral btles" :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Bloose fan nips into a boozer on his way home from work, after a while his mobile rings, he sees it's his missus, answers and says " **** ! how did you know i was in here ? " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 how do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach ?.....it's not hard !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pelle Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 Laughed out loud at that Bickster Actually me too. But then again, I've been drinking som wine. Only "som" wine, I'd suggest a little more then "som", possibly "sevral btles" :wink: Well, today I can just say that it finally got a bit too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LJRM050389 Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 African Cup of Nations Latest Egypt 8 ......... Ethiopia didnt. Ill get my coat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Larry is recovering nicely at the hospital.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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