Grogan_Avfc Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 what do you call one bluenose on the moon? a problem what do you call 50 bluenoses on the moon? a problem what do you call 1000 bluenoses on the moon? a problem what do you call all the bluenoses on the moon? problem solved :oops: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 ^^^ mwahahahahaaaaaaa, I like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Withnail Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 A.M. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 A.M. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up Finally, at 5:00 A.M. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" " I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, . Peter, Peter, something or other.." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 The dirtiest joke of 2005 (and probably 2006 now) I would like to apologise in advance!! There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day And they saw two teenagers having s*x on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having s*x. Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa." :shock: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 Mwahahahaaaaaaahahahahaaaaaaaa!!!!! That's a cracker! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 LEGENDARY STUFF Gordon Strachan - Football Manager and Comic Genius. 4th one down has to be the best............. On Wayne Rooney... "It's an incredible rise to stardom; at 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson." Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?" Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off] Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today? Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there. Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?" Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today. Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it? Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here? Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. So I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick - down negative man, down. Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around? Strachan: No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless. Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up? Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret. Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?" Strachan: "I don't do impressions" Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then? Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose! Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play? Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 you forgot one on strachen. this one made me laugh reporter: so whats the latest on delgado? strachen: listen i got alot more better things to talk about then delgado for instance this yogurt im about to eat. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? SWIM ****************** Bloke walks into a bar with a giraffe "Lie down here whailst I get the beers" he says to the giraffe Barman comes over and says "You cant leave that lyin' there" The bloke replies "Its not a lion - its a giraffe" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 A Scouser, a Geordie and a Manc are all working in Saudi Arabia. As it is a strict government, alcohol is against the law and the nightlife is pretty limited. The Englishmen decide that they will not get caught and decide to risk brewing their own. Unfortunately they are caught and hauled up in front of the Sheik. "Alcohol is strictly against my laws and as you have disobeyed me you will be punished" boomed the Sheik. "100 Lashes for each" "However, I have fond memories of England and I will grant you all one wish because of my sentimentality" The Geordie was 1st in line and when asked what wish he wanted he said with a smug grin "Tie a pillow to my back" The Sheik tied a pillow to the back of the Geordie and a huge arabic guy stepped up behind him with the whip. The pillow only lasted around 20 lashes before the whip cut through, after 80 the Geordie passed out with the pain and was carried off to his cell. Next up was the Scouser, having seen what had happened to the Geordie he was a bit panicked and not being the best at maths spluttered out "Tie 2 pillows to my back" The sheik looked at him curiously and carried out his wish, tying two pillows to his back. The same punishment began and obviously after only 40 lashes the whip cut through the pillow. The Scouser still had 60 lashes left and although he didn't pass out, he was whimpering when the sheik counted 100 and was dragged off back to his cell in a right state. The sheik turned to the Manc, who looked remarkably relaxed considering his circumstances. "I visited Manchesteras a youth and found it to be a most beautiful city, for this reason I will grant you 2 wishes my friend" The sheik said. The Manc was pleasantly surprised and said "Give me 300 lashes" The sheik looked at the Manc with total admiration "not only are you an honest man you are also very brave my friend" the sheik commented "and your second wish?" "Tie the scouser to my back” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Withnail Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 Whilst on holiday in the Highlands, a man is chatting to an old timer pissed on Whiskey in the local bar. "See this pub eh laddie? I built this pub with my own bare hands brick by brick, but do they call me Hamish the Pub Builder? No." "See that bears head on the wall? I wrestled and killed that beast with my own bare hands, but do they call me Hamish the Bear wrestler? No." "See this whiskey im drinking,i distilled that myself laddie from my familys ancient recipe, but do they call me Hamish the Distiller? No." "But I get caught shagging 1 fcuking goat..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BendtKoch Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Never buy a dwarf with learning difficulties. It's not big and it's not clever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villafan306 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 The Football Association have been rocked by a series of revelations about England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson by a Sunday newspaper. Eriksson reportedly told an undercover News of the World reporter - posing as a rich Arab - that he would quit as England coach if they win the World Cup this summer, and suggested he would be prepared to become manager of Aston Villa as part of a takeover bid. An FA spokesman tonight said: "We want to reflect on the article in full before we make any formal comment." Eriksson was contacted by the undercover News of the World reporter to see if he would be interested in coaching at a new football academy based in Dubai at some point in the future. It is believed the Swede travelled to Dubai with the FA's approval. The newspaper claims Eriksson, his agent Athole Still and lawyer Richard Des Voeux met the reporter, posing as an Arab, at an exclusive hotel in Dubai. During the talks, Eriksson is alleged to have raised the idea of buying a club to the reporter. He reportedly said "Aston Villa is for sale" before allegedly referring to the club's chairman Doug Ellis. "The chairman is an old man today. He's sick." He added: "Aston Villa will sell more shirts in one week than they did for the last 10 years." Eriksson is also said to have suggested he could persuade England captain David Beckham to return to the Premiership from Real Madrid. "I'll phone Beckham. "Beckham and I, we have a relationship like that (he crossed his fingers). We are friends, but a lot of respect. "He will come back tomorrow. And it's up to me to convince him that this is the right place to be." The coach also made reference to England striker Michael Owen, who joined Newcastle in a £17million transfer from Madrid in August after a deal could not be struck with his former club Liverpool. "I asked him if he was happy. He said 'not really with the club'." Eriksson is under contract to England until 2008 but apparently suggested he could leave before then. When the undercover reporter stated that he could not do 'two jobs', Eriksson responded: "No but everything is possible. But only at the end of the season." When asked if he was genuinely interested or joking, he replied: "No I'm not joking." He added: "After five-and-a-half years - it's a long time to be England manager. "Anyway if I win the World Cup, I will leave, goodbye." Eriksson also allegedly revealed details of his salary. "I have two more years with the FA and there I have £3million net per year, plus bonuses. "Now if I will leave the FA, I should like to have a contract of three years. "I think (Chelsea manager Jose) Mourinho today.... is on five million net. I think he might be the highest paid today. "That's the area you have to think about." Eriksson's lawyer is said to have claimed there were "ways and means once Sven is happy of getting him out..." The coach added: "If I just walk out and the next day I work for Aston Villa then they will ask for money." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 villafans is probably the best out of the whole 100 plus pages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villafan306 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Well what can I say? Surely that means I am odds on favourite for Joker of the year at this years VT Awards? :winkold: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Well what can I say? Surely that means I am odds on favourite for Joker of the year at this years VT Awards? :winkold: Nah, that'll be one of the Ellis Apologists Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted January 18, 2006 Moderator Share Posted January 18, 2006 At the Metropolitan Art Gallery in New York, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three totally naked black men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy. The Curator of the gallery spotted that the couple were obviously having trouble interpreting the painting, and so he offered his assessment. He explained how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay black men in contemporary society". The couple were still confused, but reasoned that the Curator must have known what he was talking about so they thanked him for his explanation. After the Curator left, the couple were approached by a Yorkshireman. He said to them "Would tha like to know what t'painting's really about?" The couple were rather taken aback. "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the Curator of the gallery?" said the woman disdainfully. "Cos I'm t'fella what painted it", he proudly replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans in it all. They're just three coal miners from Barnsley". "T'lad in t'middle went home for his dinner"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Muhahahahahaaaaaa! :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Didiersix Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg. His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please." The guy goes upstairs, and sees his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters. He says to them both, "Hi girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you." The first daughter says, "That's not true." He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg. His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please." The guy goes upstairs, and sees his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters. He says to them both, "Hi girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you." The first daughter says, "That's not true." He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them." BRILLIANT!! Rob, is this your life????????????????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away the tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, Now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love. Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey, Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Dave however, heard the clock ticking in his head and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said:- ; ; ";Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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