WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Kalim_a]

brilliant lads keep em comming plz

[LancsVillan]

This bloke's in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on

the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in

the morning.

Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then a

louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife, so

he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and

this bloke is stood outside.

"'Ere mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push?"

"No, Sod off. It's half three in the morning and I was in bed

asleep," says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she

says, "Dave, how could you. Remember that night we broke down in the

pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had

to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have

happened if he'd told us to sod off?"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He

opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he

shouts, "Eh mate, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah

please, mate."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The reply comes: "I'm over here on the swings."

[Withnail]

Out at sea, there was a guy whale and a girl whale. They were swimming along when the guy whale noticed a ship sailing towards them. Aboard the ship was the sea captain that had killed the guy whale's father. He turned to the girl whale and told her what had happened, then suggested that they should do something. "We should swim underneath the boat and blow air out of our holes to tip the boat over," he said. So the two whales did just that. To their surprise they saw the crew still alive and swimming towards the shore. "Come on, we have to go eat them!" yelled the guy whale. The girl whale turned to him and said, "Hey, I went along with the blowjob, but I AM NOT going to eat the SEAMEN!"

[Withnail]

While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun lying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know about, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a Rectum Stretcher," I responded. The cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to 2 fingers, then 3, then 4, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly by surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot asshole?" To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun, a badge, a patrol car and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic ticket: $95 / Court Costs: $45 / Look on cop's face.... Priceless

[Withnail]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pantsoff, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing - priceless

[peterms]

One from the late, great Tommy Cooper:

Man goes into a dentist's, says "You've got to help me".

Dentist: "What seems to be the trouble?"

Man: "I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You want a psychiatrist, not a dentist. What did you come in here for?"

Man: "The light was on."

[Rodders]

2 sausages in an oven. 1st one says: jesus it's hot in here!" 2nd one says " **** me a talking sausage!"

[Villaninireland]

A Blues fan was walking to the dole office one day when his friend, another Blues fan, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first Blues fan was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second Blues fan replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!'"

The second Blues fan nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[avfc102001]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time

they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she

would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,

romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw

her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a

vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at

him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better

explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll

explain the toy... you explain the kids."

[avfc102001]

LAST WEEK, I WAS RUSHING AROUND TRYING TO GET SOME LAST MINUTE SHOPPING DONE. I WAS STRESSED OUT AND NOT THINKING VERY FONDLY OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON RIGHT THEN. IT WAS DARK, COLD, AND WET IN THE MULTI STORY CAR PARK AS I LOADED MY CAR UP WITH THE GIFTS I FELT OBLIGATED TO BUY.

I NOTICED THAT I WAS MISSING THE SHOP RECEIPT WHICH I WOULD NEED TO GET OUT OF THE CAR PARK WITHOUT PAYING, SO MUMBLING UNDER MY BREATH, I RETRACED MY STEPS TO THE SHOPPING CENTRE ENTRANCE.

AS I WAS SEARCHING THE WET PAVEMENT FOR THE LOST RECEIPT, I HEARD A QUIET SOBBING. THE CRYING WAS COMING FROM A POORLY DRESSED BOY OF ABOUT 10 YEARS OLD. HE WAS SHORT AND THIN. HE HAD NO COAT. HE WAS JUST WEARING A RAGGED FLANNEL SHIRT TO PROTECT HIM FROM THE COLD EVENINGS CHILL.

ODDLY ENOUGH, HE WAS HOLDING TWO FIFTY POUND NOTES IN HIS HAND. THINKING THAT HE HAD GOT LOST FROM HIS PARENTS, I ASKED HIM WHAT WAS WRONG AND HE TOLD ME HIS SAD STORY. HE SAID THAT HE CAME FROM A LARGE FAMILY. HE HAD THREE BROTHERS AND FOUR SISTERS. HIS FATHER HAD DIED WHEN HE WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD. HIS MOTHER WAS POORLY EDUCATED AND WORKED TWO FULL TIME JOBS TO MAKE ENDS MEET.

NEVERTHELESS, SHE HAD MANAGED TO SCRIMP AND SAVE TWO HUNDRED POUNDS TO BUY HER CHILDREN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. THE YOUNG BOY HAD BEEN DROPPED OFF, BY HIS MOTHER, ON THE WAY TO HER SECOND JOB. HE WAS TO USE THE MONEY TO BUY PRESENTS FOR ALL HIS BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND SAVE JUST ENOUGH TO TAKE THE BUS HOME.

HE HAD NOT EVEN ENTERED THE SHOPPING CENTRE, WHEN AN OLDER BOY GRABBED TWO OF HIS FIFTY POUND NOTES AND DISAPPEARED INTO THE NIGHT.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU SCREAM FOR HELP?" I ASKED.

THE BOY SAID, "I DID".

"AND NOBODY CAME TO HELP YOU?"

THE BOY STARED AT THE GROUND AND SADLY SHOOK HIS HEAD.

"HOW LOUD DID YOU SCREAM?" I ENQUIRED.

THE SOFT-SPOKEN BOY LOOKED UP AND MEEKLY WHISPERED, "HELP ME!"

I REALISED THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE COULD HAVE HEARD THAT POOR BOY CRY FOR HELP.

iT WAS THEN I REALISED WHAT I HAD TO DO, I GRABBED HIS OTHER TWO FIFTY POUND NOTES AND F*CKED OFF.

[Guest RantinRob]

bahahahahahaaaaa :-)

[LancsVillan]

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant,

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,

O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

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"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

[Guest RantinRob]

:-) :-) :-)

[sparky]

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant,

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,

O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

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"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

*cough*....hmmmm

[Kalim_a]

A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present and as they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "Dear Maria, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact, she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love Peter

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

[LancsVillan]

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing, it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[LancsVillan]

Q. What do you call a Chav in a box?

A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

A. Sorted.

Q. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?

A. Safe.

Q. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

A. Innuinnit.

Q. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one tumble down a flight of stairs.

Q. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

Q. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

A. "What you lookin' at?"

Q. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

A. Paint three stripes on it.

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

A. The police.

[Richard]

Q. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

A. Innuinnit.

Q. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

Especially funny. LMFAO :lol: :lol:

[Villaninireland]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian

[Guest RantinRob]

mwahahahahahahaaaa, good 'un!