gregavfc Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 hehe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 Two women are playing golf one Saturday morning. The first one tees off and watches in horror as her ball hooks and heads towards a group of men playing another hole. The ball hits one guy who crumples in a heap on the ground, both hands clenched firmly between his legs. The women rush over, and the one who hit the ball says, "I'm really sorry, please let me help you-I'm a physical therapist and I can ease the pain if you'd allow me." "Oooh-ahhh-oooooh!" screams the guy, writhing around on the ground with his hands still between his legs. "I'll be alright in a couple of minutes love..." But the woman is persistant and pins him down and unbuckles his belt, unzips him and slips her hand inside and massages his groin. "How does that feel?" she asks. "It feels absolutely great," says the guy smiling, "But my thumb still hurts like buggery!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 OK, this is a TRUE STORY - it's from a mesageboard only me and 3 other people use (it's a bit secret) :wink: Couldn't stop laughing when I read this, so I thought I'd reproduce it for yer "Here's a true story to be going on with. Completely true. Not embellished. I used to work for a beer tent company - going round the country setting up marquees and bars for county shows and things like that. Getting leathered and smoking joints. Was great fun. Once we were in Derby, Markeaton park. At some shit festival - suzi quattro was there. We had a night off and went round the fair. There were three of us, and most of the rides were two seaters, so we were alternating who was on their own. I had some chips. And lots of cider. And lots of joints. We got to the american skyliner - like a big (ferris) wheel, with cages instead of baskets, which spin round independently of the wheel. I was alone in my cage. As it went round, I started to feel sick. I managed to hold it in until the ride stopped, at which point the piece of human filth in charge of the machine said "Scream if you wanna go backwards", which prompted me to try and emit an anti-scream which would suck noise from the air. My plan didn't work, and the ride lurched backwards, with my cage spinning the opposite way it had before. I started being sick - i had pints of liquid and chips in my belly - as the thing was spinning round, so I got wave after wave of my own vomit sloshing upwards over my face and down into my groin. Finally the ride stopped, and i waited for my cage to get to the bottom, where I staggered off. Two 18 year old- ish lads were getting on (into my cage) and said "What's it like?" and I replied "It's all over the place", and they were locked into the cage. I then realise they meant the ride, not the vomit. I watched as they were hoisted into the air in my cage full of vomit (there was a thick layer in the floorwell, and it was all over the seats - they shouted as it started up but it was too late. They were stuck in a spinning cage of vomit. I went and found my friends - some more of them had arrived whilst we were on the ride, and they laughed at me and said they'd seen someone being sick on the ride and were most amused that it was me. As I sat there laughing about it two girls came up and said "hey - were you sick on that ride?" At which point I noticed they were also covered with vomit. At that point I left hastily." Mwahahahahahahahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JuanPabloAngel Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 They were stuck in a spinning cage of vomit. That line really made me laugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 What's green and smells like pork?? Kermit's finger Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avfc102001 Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 A bear goes into a pub and says 'I'll have a pint of ............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avfc102001 Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 ……beer please.’ The barman says ‘ok, but why the big pause’. To which the bear replied. ‘I'm a bear I was born with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 How do you know a blonde's having a bad day? Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the special edition Pepsi bottle cap back on? Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexicon Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
usvilla Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 whats the conection between a wife and a condom ? they are both in your wallet more than on your dick ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 ^^ Not up to your usual standards though Greg. :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 My mate spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 ^^ One day a bloke called Dave was sitting at the bar in a pub when in walks his mate Steve with a massive grin on his face. "What have you got to be so happy about?" asks Dave "It's my ferrit" says Steve "ever since I got him I've been unable to wipe the smile off my face, he gives the most amazing blow jobs" "Give over" says Dave "you're pulling my leg" "No, straight up" says Steve "it's true and to prove it I'll let you have a go" So Steve pulls a ferrit from out of his trousers and passes it to Dave. "Ok, I'll try it now" says Dave and walks off to the gents to give it a go. 30 seconds later (ok so Dave's easily pleased) Dave walks out of the gents with an absolutely astonished look on his face having had the best blow job of his entire life. "I have GOT to have this ferrit" says Dave "will you sell it to me?" "Well I dunno, I might for £75" says Steve And so a deal was struck and Dave bought the ferrit and took it home and showed his wife. She was not happy at all especially when she found out that Dave had spent £75 on it. "A Ferrit, I ask you, a ferrit, what the hell am I supposed to do with a ferrit?" asks his wife. So Dave replies: "Teach it to cook then *** off!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 Two idiots drove to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the patrons of the station, to anybody who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the man asked the male attendant about the contest. The attendant said, "If you win, you're entitled to free séx," and the man asked how can he enter the contest. The attendant explained, "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free séx." So the idiot filled up and asked to play the contest and said, " I Guess 7." "Sorry I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two returned to the same gas station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one idiot asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free séx. "2," said the idiot. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As the two idiots were walking back to the car, one idiot said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other idiot, "My wife won twice last week." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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