WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Nigel]

So Newcastle have a new manager. i'm sure there's a Joe Kinnear somewhere....Oh there it is!

We have a new pub joke

[Kalim_a]

The Italian says, “When I’ve a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her kneesa, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy”.

The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.

The Aussie says, “Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. And MATE ….. She hits the **** roof.

[rjw63]

A woman comes home late one afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and her husband lazing on the couch having done nothing but eat crisps and watch TV all afternoon. She shakes her finger at him and says, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!" "Wow," he thinks, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this."

[NorthEnder]

every morning at work Clint goes up to Sally, and compliments her on how nice her hair smells, this goes on for a few years, finally Sally has enough and goes to the manager and complains, she explains the situation but the manager cant see whats wrong, sally explains but clint is a midget.

[Ikantcpell]

Adam and Eve had sex for first time ever. After their lustful act was over, Eve went to the stream to clean herself up. As she is washing up, she hears a big booming voice coming from heavens above.

"For God's sake Eve, how am I going to get that smell out of the fish now?!"

[Ikantcpell]

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important pig, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday

[Ikantcpell]

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.

“Out drinking again!?” she says. “How much money did you spend this time?”

“$100,” he answers.

“$100!” she shouts. “That’s ridiculous, spending that much in one night!”

“Easy for you to say,” he replies. “You don’t smoke, you don’t drink, and you have your own pussy

[rjw63]

A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says "I can tell you how to have sex with her!" "Yeah", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God!"

The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, "I have ordained it. You must have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha!" he cries. "I am the hippy!" "Ha-ha!" cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver."

[Ikantcpell]

This is not a joke but something a friend of mine's grandmother said..

My friend is adopted from Sri Lanka but before he was adopted the whole family was discussing it when his grandmother said : I think it's very good that you can adopt children from other countrys but what will you do when he starts talking :?

[GasGasGas]

A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says "I can tell you how to have sex with her!" "Yeah", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God!"

The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, "I have ordained it. You must have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha!" he cries. "I am the hippy!" "Ha-ha!" cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver."

What? Is the bus driver a part time ventriloquist, or does he have a sissy voice? Very funny one though.

[villab0y]

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

[villab0y]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'

[villab0y]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Sydney . I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year'

[villab0y]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, ½ dozen eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, ½ dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you work that out?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

[Phumfeinz]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, ½ dozen eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, ½ dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you work that out?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

[Stevo985]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, ½ dozen eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, ½ dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you work that out?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

I posted this one a few pages back, but I think I pulled it off better

[drat01]

In a poll on Skysports Joe Kinnear has been voted the worst ever caretaker appointment. Ian Huntley was voted second

[Nigel]

Took the mother in law out last night!

.....quick smack, she never even saw it!

[Nigel]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'

[Ikantcpell]

A civil engineer, a chemist and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says.

The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal."

The chemist steps up and agrees to sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal."

So the economist is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!