thecraft Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 guess who's been browsing sickipedia ... "I'm a 14 year-old girl looking for a 45-55 year-old man for online webcam fun. Email me: operationlolita@metpolice.uk" *************************************************************** A scouser is walking through the town a girl whispers to him 'Blowjob, Five pounds'. He looked at her oddly and just walked on. Soon another girl says the same thing which he again ignores. When he got home he said 'Mum, what's a blowjob'? She replies 'Five pounds, same as in town'. *************************************************************** I've recently started dating, she's not from the UK. I find it adorable the way she stumbles around even the most basic English words, mispronounces words in a way which sounds ridiculous, and when she does get things right her accent makes it incredibly cute. I'd recommend dating an American to anyone! *********************************************************************** What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over. ************************************************************** A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delaney Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 What's Mr. T's favourite yoghurt? "A petits - filous" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 *************************************************************** A scouser is walking through the town a girl whispers to him 'Blowjob, Five pounds'. He looked at her oddly and just walked on. Soon another girl says the same thing which he again ignores. When he got home he said 'Mum, what's a blowjob'? She replies 'Five pounds, same as in town'. *************************************************************** Hahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thecraft Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 *************************************************************** A scouser is walking through the town a girl whispers to him 'Blowjob, Five pounds'. He looked at her oddly and just walked on. Soon another girl says the same thing which he again ignores. When he got home he said 'Mum, what's a blowjob'? She replies 'Five pounds, same as in town'. *************************************************************** Hahaha To be fair I was expecting the punchline to be something about the scouser stressing at the word job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kidlewis Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 "I went into superdrug to buy a can of Lynx Africa........I always wanted to know what Aids, Civil War and Fammine smelt like!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiganvillain Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 I forgot I had these until I saw this thread 1) A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one. 2) A blond is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring. The blond outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blond inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!!" 3) Two blondes were working on a house. One, who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!" 4) Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 You don't like blondes very much do ya? :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrissmith921 Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 Old ones are always the best It was Scotland/Wales 'International' weekend in Edinburgh, and as the crowds made their way down Princess Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack. The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it. As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now.' 'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death.' The man replied, ' No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!' 'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now.' 'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler' The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from Berkshire.. ' The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now' 'English Bastard Strangles Family Pet!!!!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in year four." "No, madam," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 i've just quit my job at the helium factory, due to the boss i'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted September 25, 2008 VT Supporter Share Posted September 25, 2008 I was walking through uni today and some guy came up to me, shouted in my face, then cut the bottom of my trouser leg off and threw it into the library. That's a turn up for the books. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted September 25, 2008 VT Supporter Share Posted September 25, 2008 I met this dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. i rang her to ask her out last night, but unfortunately, she'd popped her clogs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted September 25, 2008 VT Supporter Share Posted September 25, 2008 I went to a curtain shop yesterday and asked for some Net Curtains. The shopkeeper said they all had VAT on them, I told her that's Gross. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert when they suddenly spotted a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go in whereupon they were greeted by dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay and for a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation. The king went up the first man and demanded to know his occupation. The first man replied, "I’m a fireman." The king told his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis." Then finally the King asked the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!” The madam is astonished: “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 A blond woman was driving along the highway when a blond police officer pulled her over for speeding. “May I see your license?” the officer asked. “What does it look like?” the blond woman asked. “It’s a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it,” the officer explained. The woman looked through her bag and pulled out her compact mirror and handed it to the officer. The officer opened it up and said, “If you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn’t have pulled you over!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 Great Eastern Railways apologise for disruption to services in the Cockfosters area over the last few weeks. This has been caused by a large points failure at White Hart Lane. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrissmith921 Posted September 26, 2008 Share Posted September 26, 2008 A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!” The madam is astonished: “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick.” Brilliant! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiganvillain Posted September 26, 2008 Share Posted September 26, 2008 What do the letters D N A stand for Nationa Dyslexic Association Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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