WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Ikantcpell]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?". She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have vagina" "Yes" she says. The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours!".

[BOF]

Husband and wife.....

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes.

Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[Craigyh74]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - ' £ 750'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the

lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - ' £ 2250'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - ' £3000'.

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again. You're in my cupboard now.'

[rjw63]

^^^

[villab0y]

I just heard on the news that Sullivan and Brady are going to court next month, the spokesperson said they are not worried as they have Ridgwell in defence.

I'll get me coat..

[villafan1985]

On the news the other day I watched shoppers in Zimbabwe taking huge wheelbarrows of cash down to the shops with them.

Well thats the last **** time i'm donating anything to Oxfam

[rjw63]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"? The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

[rjw63]

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting with a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place "for a coffee".

When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable.

Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want".

Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck. So he says: "I really fancy a 69..." "**** Off" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night"

[rjw63]

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "Oh I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Ikantcpell]

A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what the problem is. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well not exactly; it's her who suffers, not me

[Ikantcpell]

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink and sat on stools watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said, "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again

[Ikantcpell]

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman thought about it a moment and said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything

[JonnyBradford]

I was in a bar in Gibraltar and thought I'd order a glass of scotch,

'Do you want it on the rocks', asked the barman ?

'No thanks, I'll have it over here' !

'So you want it neat ?', he replied

'Yes, please'

'Well tuck your shirt in'

[Ikantcpell]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "The darn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[rjw63]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

[rjw63]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says "I see... take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor" she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly." The doctor says "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses let's work on your hearing..."

[BOF]

/\ I knew where that was going after the 1st para

[cbvilla4life]

What do Elton John and Richard Hammond have in common?

They both have skid marks on their helmets

[futumtch]

Typing errors made by church members who have the task of typing up church bulletins and parish newsletters.

Here goes :

The sermon this morning : ‘Jesus walks on the water.” The sermon tonight : Searching for Jesus.”

The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet on Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

The ladies of the parish have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

The altar servers are saving soft drink cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The church will be hosting an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Due to the parish priest’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

When the ill priest got better the following notice appeared in the church bulletin:

‘God is Good! Father Harris is better!”

The music for today’s service was all composed by Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The Altar Services Society will be presenting Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ in the church basement on Friday at 7pm. Parishioners are invited to attend this tragedy.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs Marsha Crutchfield last night. Mrs Crutchfield and Mrs Rankin sang a duet, “The Lord Knows Why.”

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church last Sunday.

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

Potluck supper : Prayer and medication to follow.

The Outreach Committee has enlisted 25 parishioners to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast on Sunday morning.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.

Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands along.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be : “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

This evening at 7pm there will be hymn singing in the park across from the church.

Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm in the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double-door at the side entrance.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The Chairman of the Parish Finance Committee unveiled the church’s new fund-raising slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

[Nigel]

A tourist visiting the old Wild West comes across a Red Indian with his ear pressed to the ground.

"Say, what you doin there"

"Um big carriage come by just after sun up"

"Jesus that’s nothing short of amazing, how could you know such a thing"

“.... broke my neck"