rjw63 Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 INTERNATIONAL DATING SECRETS WHITE WOMEN First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position. IRISH WOMEN First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. ITALIAN WOMEN First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress. JEWISH WOMEN First Date: You get terrific head. Second Date: You get even more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her, and never get head again. CHINESE WOMEN First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever Going to happen. INDIAN WOMEN First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. BLACK WOMEN First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you. MEXICAN WOMEN First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She's pregnant. Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana Strip. ARAB WOMEN First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab Community finds out. Second Date: You are shot dead. No third date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Scottish guy walks into a bar and says "I'll have a pint of Whitbread". Barman pours it, Scottish bloke goes to the toilet. A very large black lady is standing at the other end of the bar, while he's in the toilet she comes over, lifts his pint off the bar and farts in it. The barman looks rather shocked. On returning from the toilet the Scottish guy lifts up his pint, but the barman whispers something in his ear. A look of disgust spreads across his face, and he approaches the large black lady... "Eh, did you fart in my Whitbread?" he asks. "No, I'm Tessa Sanderson." I don't get it.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 There was a female hammer thrower called Faitma Whitbread and another Runner (?) called Tessa Sanderson Are you Fatima whitbread? Did you fart in my whitbread? Said in a scottish accent could sound similar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Tessa Sanderson and Fatima whitbread were both JAVELIN THROWERS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Ha ha close then!! Im too young to remember!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm an Aston Villa fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Villa fan?" "Because my mum and dad are from Birmingham, and my mum is a Villa fan and my dad is a Villa fan, so I'm a Villa fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Villa fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan." Brilliant joke! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Man: "You're pretty." Woman: "**** off." Man: "Don't interrupt. You're pretty... ugly, you fat word removed." Reminds me of a great song Lit - You Make Me Complete You make me cum You make make me complete You make me completely miserable Gotta hear it. Quality song I know that song very well, I like Lit alot...but I once NEVER thought about the lyrics like that! How daft of me! I just thought he wasnt finishing his sentence....I can't believe i didn't realize this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted December 4, 2007 Moderator Share Posted December 4, 2007 A Brummie goes to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11. Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects. The Brummie says to him, "there were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did". "Thanks buddy," the fireman replies. "You lot were bloody brave," the Brummie says. "Thanks. Where are you from anyhow?" the fireman asks. "Birmingham," he replies. "Birmingham? What state's that in?" asks the fireman. The Brummie looks around and replies, "about the same as this really..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrogers Posted December 4, 2007 Share Posted December 4, 2007 The FA cup draw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted December 4, 2007 Moderator Share Posted December 4, 2007 This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out.. he was a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy"... I replied, "Well, which one are you then?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingphil Posted December 5, 2007 Share Posted December 5, 2007 After the recent incident in Sudan with the teddy bear named 'Mohammed`, Matthew Corbett has cancelled his comeback tour in Africa with his famous glove puppet `Sooty`. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted December 5, 2007 Share Posted December 5, 2007 I bought a Teddy for £10 the other day, sold it on eBay for £20!! Now Im being slagged off by Muslims for making Prophet out of a Teddy Bear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 5, 2007 Share Posted December 5, 2007 This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out.. he was a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy"... I replied, "Well, which one are you then?" magic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenz Posted December 5, 2007 Share Posted December 5, 2007 What do you call a judge with no thumbs...... Justice fingers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lombardo Posted December 5, 2007 Share Posted December 5, 2007 Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The man replied, 'These are Carols.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 Tampax have announced they will be replacing the cord on their Tampons with tinsel. This is for the Christmas period only. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted December 6, 2007 Moderator Share Posted December 6, 2007 Tampax have announced they will be replacing the cord on their Tampons with tinsel. This is for the Christmas period only. Every. Bloody. Year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 you've added a joke there Bri and you never knew it !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted December 6, 2007 Moderator Share Posted December 6, 2007 you've added a joke there Bri and you never knew it !!!! Oh didn't I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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