LancsVillan Posted June 3, 2005 Moderator Share Posted June 3, 2005 On the day of the wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by all Her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her Wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over her feet were in agony. When she and Charles withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think Of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Charles say 'God; that was tight.' 'There,' whispered The Queen. 'I told you with a face like that she had to be a virgin!' Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say. 'Right. Now for the other one. 'Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charles said 'My God, that was even tighter!" 'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 13, 2005 Moderator Share Posted June 13, 2005 A woman brought her pet Duck Cuddles who was very limp into her veterinary surgeon's clinic. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up onto the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, a onehundred percent certifiably certainty that this is a dead duck." The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150 !!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!" "The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan - it's now £150.00. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 14, 2005 Moderator Share Posted June 14, 2005 PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hev Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Never try to outsmart a woman! There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to cl ose the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it away.. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!? "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRL Posted June 18, 2005 Share Posted June 18, 2005 Is it allowed with some racial jokes?? Btw. I was watching BBC and parkinson, and they had this really funny irish stand-up comedian there. I do believe his name was Bri something, but i dont remember. Anyway, the dude was brilliant! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 I do believe his name was Bri something Was it the guy who did the joke about only being allowed to point at tractors with your feet and that's how he reckons riverdance was invented? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 24, 2005 Moderator Share Posted June 24, 2005 The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from a blow job. Seven per cent said they most enjoyed the sensations. Five per cent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination. Eighty eight per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 24, 2005 Moderator Share Posted June 24, 2005 Two extremely rich and keen Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt for moose. They bagged six on the trip, but as they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said that due to the weight, they could take only a total four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had exactly the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy turned to Seamus and asked, "Have you any idea where we are?" "Bejasus, I don't believe it, but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 24, 2005 Moderator Share Posted June 24, 2005 A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile. "Hello," she said, as she waited for her change. "Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion. "Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store. The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children." Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height. On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We sh@gged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number." The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 24, 2005 Moderator Share Posted June 24, 2005 Guy walks into a bar with his octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus and "He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man and generally reckon he's an idiot. At that the guy announces that he will wager £50 to anyone that the octupus can play any instrument that they care to provide. Immediately a challenger walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus who picks it up and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. In amazement the guitar man pays up his £50. Another man walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy also pays up his £50. At this point a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with the instrument for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgowVilla Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 On the subject of Scotsmen, Ladies and Gentlemen...The Glasgow Rhapsody (with apologies to Queen) s this the real life? Is it the methodone? Stuck in the Gorbals, got two bob fur the telephone? Open yer wine, an' talk wi' a whine like meeeee Um just a weegie, gie us yer Buckie Because I'll chib yer pal, rip yer da, slash yer dug, ride yer ma! Any way the Clyde flows, disnae really mater tae me.....tae me. Haw maw, just chibbed some word removed Buckie bottle tae the heid An noo the f**kin' b**stards deid! Haw maw, um just oan parole An noo I'm headin back tae Barlineeeee... Haw Maw, oohooh ooh Never meant tae steal yer purse But if I'm no full a smack this time the morra' Carry oot, Carry oot! An we'll go oot on the batter! Too late, the bailiff's here Sends shivers doon ma spine Gubbed 10 jellies just in time Goodbye all ma muckers, I've got tae go Got to go and rip some w*nk fae up the scheme Haw Maw, oohooh oooh I'm a jakey bam I sometimes think I've never been washed at all I see a little silhouetto of a bam Adidas! Adidas! Can ye get us a kergo? Thunderbird, White Lightening, very very frightening me! Twenty Mayfair, Twenty Mayfair, Twenty Mayfair and some skins Magnifico oh oh oh oh! I'm just a radge boy, nae body loves me He's just a radge boy fae a radge family! Spare us a pound for a wee cup o' tea? Get tae f*ck, skanky slob, will ye get a job? For f*cksake NO I will not get a job Get a job For f*cksake I will not get a job Get a job, Will not get a job Get a job Will not get a job no no no no no..... Oh gonorrheoea! gonnorrhoea! gonnorhoea and the clap! Then doon the pub, has the barman put aside for me? For me, for meeee! So you hink ye can slash me and pish in ma eye? So ye hink ye can chib me an leave me tae die? Haw bawbag, can't dae this tae me bawbag! Just wait till I'm oot, just wait till I'm right oot ma nut!! F*ck all really matters, anyone can see F*ck all really matters..... F*ck all really matter tae meeeeeee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maywelldo Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 Bloke walks into a petshop and says, ' I want to buy a wasp ' the petshop owner says, ' We dont sell wasps', bloke says ' You've got one in the window'. Bloke walked into the doctors , doc says 'What's the problem? '. Bloke says ' I've started seeing into the future'. Doc says, 'When did this start happening?' Bloke, ' Next Tuesday'. Sorry if I'm repeating these but I cant be arsed scrolling through 52 pages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnCresswell Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 I see Michelle McManus was on that weight loss TV programme the other day. She ate 9 packets of Doritoes a day, she confessed. Now that's an awful lot, isn't it? She was living the life of riley. Lisa Riley. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 26, 2005 Moderator Share Posted June 26, 2005 you cannot miss an opportunity to mention her can you :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yesnomaybe16 Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 What did the kid with cancer get for christmas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yesnomaybe16 Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Aids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Way to go to kill a thread yesnomaybe, I'll have to try and revive it with my favourite list of jokes ever, not all jokes are funny, some are sad, and some are as bad as the one above, I know there's someone on here who loves them but I can't remember who, they're in this thread already somewhere I think but here they are again... Sad Jokes Not all jokes are funny. Some are tragic. When someone else is run over by a steamroller, it's funny. When it happens to you, it's not so funny. In fact, it normally kills you. Although not always. Sometimes you end up very flat, but survive. That's also sad. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg. Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Policeman: Knock, knock. Woman: Who's there? Policeman: The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. They are all trapped in a jail cell. Eventually they all starved to death. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape the Nazis. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a cat with no tail? A manx cat. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? One. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house." The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop? Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man: What a beautiful dog. Does he bite? Dog-owner: No. Man: Can I pet him? Dog-owner: No, he has a form of eczema that makes him skin weep if touched. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell when an Essex girl wants sex? She displays signs of arousal, such as enlargement of the clitoris and swelling of the labia. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle? There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey? A mule. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane. However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a man with a spade in his head? You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NibblyPig Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 ...I know there's someone on here who loves them but I can't remember who, they're in this thread already somewhere I think but here they are again... I feel hurt Paddy... really hurt! I love those sad jokes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craigyh74 Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Paddy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire" He's got #500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1 million quid. "Paddy, for #1million, who was the great train robber? Was it, A, Ronnie Barker... B, Ronnie O'Sullivan... C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it D, Ronnie Biggs???" Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris" Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left. Paddy again say's.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris" "You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris. "No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer" "OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with =#500,000. However before you go,you'll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?" Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris" "You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?" Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no feckin grass!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craigyh74 Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread - wafers." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know - it - all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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