WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Guest]

what does a dwarf get when he runs between a womans legs ? A flap across the face n a clit around the ear

Great, I've got Pepsi everywhere!

[paddy]

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when

I Was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

i might play that trick on my kids, legendary

one of my mates moved from liverpool to wolverhampton to birmingham and now back to liverpool, unfortunately his accent isn't anywhere near as comical as it should be

[Designer1]

How did Darth Vader know what Luke had got for Christmas?

He'd felt his presents.

[Kalim_a]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[Kalim_a]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

[Kalim_a]

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.

The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"

The lawyer says "**** the Boy Scouts!"

The priest says, "Do we have time?"

[Kalim_a]

"Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled but little Johnny doesn't go.

He walks to the teachers desk and says, "Teacher can i go home with you?"

The teacher says "No!"

Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."

So the teacher says, "Okay."

They get to the teachers house and she says, "Well i'm going to take a quick shower, you sit right here."

"Can i take a shower with you?" he asks.

The teacher says "No!"

Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."

So the teacher says, "Well okay, I guess."

So their in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can i turn off the lights?"

The teacher says "No!"

Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."

So the teacher says, "Okay."

So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can i stick my finger in your belly button?"

The teacher says "No!"

Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."

"Well okay." says the teacher, "JOHNNY!, that's not my belly-button!"

"Yeah? and that's not my finger eather!"

[Kalim_a]

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.

The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands.

"See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard.

[Kalim_a]

Two rednecks are playing golf behind two flamingly effeminate golfers who are just flitting about after every shot, every putt, everything.

The rednecks are getting so mad watching the unmacho behavior of the two at the "gentleman's game," so they decide they're going to hit into them to get off.

The rednecks' shots are getting dangerously close to the two gays, and finally, a shot from one of the rednecks hits one of the gays on the head and it knocks him out cold.

The other gay is in an angry panic, shaking his friend to get up, "Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Get up!"

He shouts at the rednecks, "You bad men! We are going to sue you!"

One of the rednecks yelled back, "You ain't gonna sue us! I'd just as soon suck your winney!"

The gay heard that and started shaking his friend,"Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Hurry! They want to settle out of court!"

[Guest RantinRob]

Oooer, that's a bit un-PC Kalim :-) :-)

[Guest]

They're all good Kalim, keep 'em coming!

[Kalim_a]

dont think this has been posted before...could be wrong...

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

[Kalim_a]

Hope this one has been posted before...

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking For a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitablly impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. " I played for 20 mins today, we Were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, The media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, " Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed And beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time." The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

[northernvilla]

The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified

she wanted to see absolutely everything.

During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient

was w*nking. "Oh my!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the

meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry

your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his

testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is

causing this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a

day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode, and He would

die instantly. "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen. On the next floor they

passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a bl*w-job "Oh

my goodness!", said the Queen, "What on earth is happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA".

[LancsVillan]

http://www.agri0013926.agriplus.net/error/

[Designer1]

Woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's....

and asks "Can I have a perm please?"

"Aye, nee problem pet. Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."

[LancsVillan]

Letter form Home Office!

A letter from the Home Office (London, UK), to the People of America:

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your

borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'

(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.

Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"

e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA.

The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

[Clarry]

A man takes his friend home, only to find his wife doing naked yoga in the front room with her legs behind her head. Thinking quickly, he shouts "Show some decorum, I've got a friend with me, put your teeth in and comb your hair!"

[Clarry]

What's the similarity between a pork-pie and oral sex with an OAP?

You have to remove the crust first and suck out the jelly before getting to the meat.

I am very very very sorry for that one.

[drat01]

A bloke got admitted into the local hospital with food poisoning. Apparently he had been fed a diet of daffodill bulbs.

The doctors think he should make a full recovery but he wont be out until spring!