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Writing groom speech


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Not mine, but assisting a mate in writing his. At the moment it's just a mass list of thank yous. His brother is the best man and will be funny so he doesn't want to be outshone totally.

Can anyone offer any advice on groom speeches and how to make them amusing in a non generic way.

Examples of funny things you've heard most welcome.


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Not mine, but assisting a mate in writing his. At the moment it's just a mass list of thank yous. His brother is the best man and will be funny so he doesn't want to be outshone totally.

Can anyone offer any advice on groom speeches and how to make them amusing in a non generic way.

Examples of funny things you've heard most welcome.


Went to a wedding last Saturday..........

The Groom's speech lasted 25 mins!!!!! It was dull. Keep it short, no longer than 10 mins.

It doesn't need to be funny.

Also worth the best man looking through it as they don't want to be telling the sames stories...as happened last Saturday.

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End with:

"And finally, thanks to Joe Bloggs for being my best man. He's done a terrific job. So good, in fact, that I've decided to let him do it again at my next wedding. Thank you"

And then just sit down, totally straight faced.

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Start with a joke at the expense of the best man. Get everybody to agree the bride looks stunning. Thank everybody who needs thanking. Keep it short, end on a toast.

Oh, and if you cant think of any good wedding jokes then I am sure there are a million speeches on YouTube you can steal material from.

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Don't mention your parents or the bride's, or their support and contribution to the wedding.

Make a list of family members and friends who didn't show up for the wedding. And offer your thoughts as to why they missed it.

Focus on your own accomplishments and make sure to include your ex-girlfriends by name.

Leave your bride out of it completely. Speak only to your friends about your own thoughts and experiences. Make no mention of her radiant beauty and your prosperous future together.

Pepper your speech with slurs, and slang. Work the word, "like" into each sentence. Ask Great Uncle Ed if he can hear you. Repeat the question several times.

Ramble on and on until you see the guests in the back get up to go to the bar! And then call the guests' attention to it.

Drink plenty of alcohol early in the evening, slur your words, and forget the name of your best man when it comes time to introduce him.

Above all, don't prepare a speech or practice it at all.

Shamelessly stolen from here.

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Good evening everyone, thank you ***** for your kind words and giving me your daughters hand in marriage.

You’ll have to excuse me - I’m not really accustomed to public speaking and I’m more than a little nervous about making this speech. It’d be fair to say this isn’t the first time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

I actually had a fantastic speech all worked out for today, but now I’m married my wife tells me what to say so I’ll have to give this speech instead.

Distinguished guests, guests of no particular distinction, relatives young and old, friends, freeloaders, stray golfers and anyone else who may have wandered in, you are all about to witness a unique event in history. The very first, and the very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us. However, it is a privilege and an honor to do so. I just hope that, so soon into our married life, I don’t let Mrs. Wig down.

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention! To be honest I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech. Now as is custom, there will be a few toasts during my speech, so please don’t neck the whole glass at the first toast…mentioning no names, Mother.

I want everyone here to know how lucky I feel to be stood here right now. Mrs. Wig is beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring - the list is endless but unfortunately I can't read the rest of her hand writing! But what I do know is that she’s a brilliant mother, a brilliant wife and my best friend.

It’s lovely to see so many of our family and friends here this evening to help us celebrate, what was, along with the birth of our son, the happiest day of our lives. Thank you all for your gifts and for joining us this evening. I know that some of you have travelled a long way to be here and that means a lot to us. It really wouldn’t be the same without you all…It’d be a damn sight cheaper, but that’s not the point.

Unfortunately, it’s not been possible to have everyone we love here with us today, but we know they’re here with us in spirit and they’re not only in our thoughts today, but more importantly they’re with us in our hearts. So, with them in mind, would you please all stand, raise your glasses, and join me in a toast to absent family & friends.

(To absent family and friends)

I’d like to start off by thanking our parents. Both have been very generous and I’m not sure what we would have done without them.

To mine I would like to say thank you for their love & support, for bringing me up and giving me the foundations, values and the opportunities that I have had to be the person I am today. I know it is hard to believe but, I had my moments growing up and they were always there for me when I needed guidance, help or maybe just a clip round the ear to see me right, and I hope they are as proud of me as I am of them. I also hope that I can provide the same love and guidance to my children that you have given to me. I love you both, hold your heads high you’ve done a cracking job!

Sorry Dad…all you get is a handshake.

I’d also like to sincerely thank Mrs. Wig's mom and dad, *** and *****, for making me feel like the son they never wanted – sorry, the son they never had. You’ve done an excellent job raising such a wonderful caring daughter, provided her with so much love and support over the years. I hope I can be everything you want from a son-in-law and more. I love Mrs. Wig with all of my heart and will do everything I can to continue to make her happy. I also feel I owe you a personal debt of gratitude for producing the perfect woman. OK, maybe the perfect woman isn’t quite right, but she’s certainly MY perfect woman.

So, Ladies and Gentleman, please be upstanding and raise your glasses to our parents, ***** & *** and ******* & ******.

Of course how could we forget a little man who played a big part on our wedding day as a pageboy and plays a massive part in our lives. That is our son George, who obviously didn't read the wedding rulebook i gave him, i highlighted the section about nobody is supposed to look better than the groom but he obviously chose to ignore it. George, here’s a thank you from mommy and daddy for being a superstar…we love you.

I would also like to say a massive thank you to our bridesmaid, my sister *****, who I think everyone will agree looks beautiful. I know how much support & help you have given Mrs. Wig up to and including this day. So from both of us, thank you.

I’d like to just ask everyone to all stand and raise your glasses and join me in toasting the bridesmaid & pageboy.

"The bridesmaid & pageboy!"

I’d also like to thank on behalf of myself and my wife, all the people who came on our respective stag & hen do’s, and thanks to those who helped organize them. You all did us both proud.

Now onto the star of the show, my gorgeous wife, Mrs. Wig – you look absolutely stunning.

I believe tradition dictates that I now tell you all an amusing story or two about Mrs. Wig. Fortunately, however, she dictates that I do no such thing so I will move swiftly on!

They say you don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you can’t live without, and I think that sums us up perfectly. Now if I had to single out one thing about why I love Mrs. Wig so much, it would be the fact that she makes me happier than I ever dreamed I could be. And I intend to spend the rest of my life making sure that the reverse is also true. I know that Mrs. Wig put a huge amount of effort into making our wedding day and this evening perfect and I think that she has done that, and more. Having lived with Mrs. Wig for a couple of years now, I have learned a valuable lesson – when I’m wrong, admit it…and when I’m right, keep quiet! Seriously though, I never have a problem finding the words to express my love for Mrs. Wig, but if I start then I probably won’t be able to stop. Suffice to say that, Mrs. Wig, I love you so much and I can’t wait to grow old with you. You’re my very best friend…my soul mate. Thank you for marrying me and making me the happiest man alive.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding, for the most important toast I’m ever likely to make,

And last, but certainly not least. My best man, *****. Give everyone a wave.

Many people don’t know that ****** has a rare medical condition which causes him to invent fanciful stories. He really does believe these stories to be true so please humour him during his speech.

But before I handover to ****** to administer my ritual humiliation, a few words about my best man. ****** and I have been friends for over 10 years. When writing my speech I thought about what is meant by the word “friend”. Turning to the dictionary a friend is defined as - someone to whom you are attached through affection and esteem, who is a favored companion, a supporter and an ally.

As a true friend, ***** and I have shared some great times through the years, and he has always been there for me as somebody I can rely on.

Now I know that speeches take up valuable drinking time, so all that remains for me to say is, please enjoy the rest of the evening…and mine’s a Carlsberg!

My speech, seemed to go down well.

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My mate whose wedding it was on Saturday nicked a couple of bits of that one, Wiggy.

No problem mate! :)

I asked him to make a donation for using it. One which you would like......

So he gave £5 to a group that cared for transvestites with tourettes.

Chicks with ticks and dicks!

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Try not to copy anything off the net :D

Gets really really boring and isn't personal. Just speak from the heart and keep it brief. Don't murder the poor chap with dodgy stories unless it really has to happen.

It's one occasion english people by nature kinda open up to their mates without sounding gay. You don't wanna go wild tho :)

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