usvilla Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 i was walking around the cemetary this morning and i saw 4 pall bearers walking with a coffin i thought nothing of it of course then an hour later i saw them again and i thought - these bastards have lost the plot ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Whats the difference between Boy George and a scouse car thief? The scouser wouldn't have been caught and jailed for forcing entry into the back of an Escort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Tony Hart's funeral has been pencilled in for next week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I'm about 3yrs into my relationship now, and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra; And I've bought her a treadmill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid" she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," Paddy says, "neither did I until you shone that light on her face". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LT_1993 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MR.Smalljob Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Thoughtful! Did you know that: - A cigarette shortens life by two minutes? - A beer shortens life by three minutes? - But a working day shortened it eight hours! What do you choose? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LT_1993 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 paddy and mick are staggering home after a night drinking when they come to the bus depot paddy says to mick " lets steal a bus and drive that home " " good idea " says mick, after two minuites paddy runs over to mick and says " mick i cant find the number 12 " " dont be an idiot " barks mick " we'll steal the 23 and walk home from there " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowychap Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 i was walking around the cemetary this morning and i saw 4 pall bearers walking with a coffin i thought nothing of it of course then an hour later i saw them again and i thought - these bastards have lost the plot ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MR.Smalljob Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 - If your nose runs and your feet smell, does this mean that you built upturned ? - If money is the root of all evil, why do all churches ask for them? - If a deaf person is in court, it still called a hearing? - If your plan is not to having a plan - you have a plan then? - If love is blind, how can you believe in love at first sight? - If you spend your days with nothing to do, how do you know when you're done? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 What does a pizza delivery boy and a gynaecologist have in common? They both get to smell it, but they don't get to eat it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LT_1993 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 If you spend your days with nothing to do, how do you know when you're done? when a big skinny bloke in a tatterd hooded black robe shows up holding a letter and some farming equpiment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MR.Smalljob Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Rich Man & poor Man A rich man and a poor man were drinking in a bar. Rich man: Ya know what I’m gonna get my wife for Christmas? Poor man: What? Rich man: A diamond bracelet, and a new Mercedes. Poor man: Why? Rich man: So if she doesn’t like the bracelet she can drive her new car to return it. Poor man: That makes sense, I think I’ll get mine a hairbrush and a dildo. Rich man: Why? Poor man: So if she doesn’t like the hairbrush she can go **** herself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Best day of my life... Walking down the aisle towards my wife, Everyone smiling at me, Vicar says a few nice words I give her a kiss, Then shut ****' coffin lid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
usvilla Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MonsXI Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Bought a new stick deodorant. Instructions says 'take off top and push up bottom' Still in casualty....................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 This really tough Hells Angel bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar. He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls "All you down there... You're all a bunch of queer cocksuckers!" He gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar. "You're all a bunch of stupid really bad people." All is still for a moment until a little guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says "Where the **** you going?" The guy says "I'm at the wrong end of the bar." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 A 6 year-old black boy is sitting on his proud uncle's knee one summer evening. The boy says "Uncle, why do we have black skin?" His uncle replied, "So that we don't burn so easily in the hot African sun." The boy then asks, "Uncle, why do we have such a big, wide nose?" His uncle replies, "So, that when we are running to catch our prey in the hot African climate, we don't run out of breath". The little negro boy then says, "Uncle, why do we have such long legs?" His uncle says, "So that when we are being chased by lions and tigers, we can run fast to the next tree and escape them," he answers proudly. The little boy, looking a little puzzled, then asks, "Uncle, why do we have this funny black curly hair on our head?" His uncle replies, "Well, son, when your up that tree escaping the lion or tiger, it will keep the hot African sun off of your head." The little boy stops to think for a while and then asks, "Then Uncle, why the **** do we live in New Orleans?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heystally! Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 What's the difference between Michael Jackson... (Can I finish this or is it slander?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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