WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[BOF]

"More than one million pounds spent on toddler hunt" - McCanns

The babysitter would've been a tenner at most.

[BOF]

What's the difference between Amir Khan and a Rustler's burger?

About seven seconds.

:crylaugh:

[villanmike]

A cannibal is found crying next to a large pile of shit, his mate asks "whats wrong?" The cannibal replies "I've just dumped my girlfriend"

[villab0y]

An English ventriloquist visiting Waleswalks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the boyo

'Hi, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English t**t.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Boyo: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Boyo: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Boyo: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Boyo: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at thevillager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Boyo: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Boyo: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

[CastleBromVilla]

An English ventriloquist visiting Waleswalks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the boyo

'Hi, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English t**t.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Boyo: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Boyo: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Boyo: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Boyo: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at thevillager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Boyo: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Boyo: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

[Ikantcpell]

An old man in his 80s got up and put on his coat.

“Where are you going?” his wife asked.

“I’m going to the doctor,” he replied.

“Why?” she asked. “Are you sick?”

“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and began putting on her sweater.

“Where are you going?” the old man asked.

“I’m going to the doctor too,” she replied.

“Why?” he asked.

“If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!”

[Ikantcpell]

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man emphatically. "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged and said: "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said: "Small world!"

[Ikantcpell]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

“Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. - Your Husband”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up

[Ikantcpell]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don’t try to fool me because I can tell the difference.”

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.

The man takes a sip, scowls and says, “Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.”

The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.

The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, “Bartender, I don’t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!”

Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, “Ah, now that’s the real thing.”

A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, “Hey, I think that’s really far out what you can do. Try this one.”

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, “Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!”

The drunk’s eyes light up and he says, “Yeah, now how old am I?”

[Stevo985]

Why shouldn't you wear Russian underpants?

Chernobyl fallout

[Stevo985]

Why did the baker's hands smell?

Because he kneaded a poo

[rjw63]

A guy sits drinking in a bar until he throws up all over the front of his shirt. He freaks, and says to the bartender, “My wife is going to kill me when she sees this mess.”

The bartender says “No problem; easily fixed. You got $10?” The drunk says yeah, and the bartender says “Put the $10 in the front pocket of your shirt, and tell your wife somebody else threw up on you, but he gave you $10 to have your shirt cleaned.”

The drunk thinks this is a great way out, puts the money in his shirt pocket and heads home.

When he gets home, his wife is livid. “You threw up on yourself, ya filthy drunk?”

“No no no!” says the drunk. “Somebody else barfed on me, and look! He gave me ten bucks to have my shirt cleaned!”

The wife says “That’s a twenty dollar bill.”

And the drunk, thinking quickly says, “Oh yeah… he shit in my pants too.”

[jonno_2004]

Had the Large Hadron Collider experiment failed, the DFS sale would have actually ended.

[acwilliams]

17,000 atheists in the middle east rioted this week, after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk.

[acwilliams]

17% of 16 year olds have had more than one sexual partner...

... Now I'm not judging, but they're most probably slags.

[rjw63]

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

[rjw63]

Herman had just hopped out of the shower, looked out the window and saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he raced outside and climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought Herman, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was a wee bit easier on the eye. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought Herman, "might as well carry on."

On this cloud was lounging lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, Herman thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Take me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she said, flirtingly. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When Herman reached the next cloud, there was a fat, slobbish ugly old man, with flies buzzing all around him. "G'day Mate, I'm Cess!"

[Ikantcpell]

Herman had just hopped out of the shower, looked out the window and saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he raced outside and climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought Herman, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was a wee bit easier on the eye. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought Herman, "might as well carry on."

On this cloud was lounging lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, Herman thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Take me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she said, flirtingly. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When Herman reached the next cloud, there was a fat, slobbish ugly old man, with flies buzzing all around him. "G'day Mate, I'm Cess!"

Haha..bad luck

[rjw63]

A kid at the grocery store asked me why don't they make white M&M's?

I explained that they'd enslave the dark brown M&M's, steal all the red M&Ms' land, hunt the blue M&M's to extinction, accuse the yellow M&M's of obstructing trade, start a panic that the little green M&M's were invading the Earth, and complain that the damn light brown M&M's were taking all their jobs.

[Ballybunion_Ice]

Q. How does a Geordie prounance ‘Ninetendo Wii’

A. ‘Nintendo Y – I’ (in geordie accent)